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No Sh*t James Jamison

Cheerio my name is James Jamison of the Jamison family from Devonshire England. Let me tell you a little about myself, I grew up with my mum and dad on our thirty-two acre estate with my younger brother Edward and sister Mary. My family was not a very warm family as most English families aren’t, my mum was more affectionate to the dogs and horses, only putting us above dad which was not hard to do, considering she despised dad, usually referring to him as a bloody w*nker who did nothing but sit on his bum all day. I got out of this hellhole at eighteen because I had always fancied a different life for myself. I enrolled in The Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts in London, my friends and I had always referred to it as the dog’s b*ll*ks but who are we to judge we don’t know anything, although everyone else says it’s the bee’s knees as well.


Here I was starting my new life, I was doing great I got me self a bird and met my best mate Will. I was on top of the world that is until I got a call that knocked me up one day, I picked up the telly and on the other end was my mum “James I need to tell you something important” she said it in a really serious tone which for her was unusual, because usually by this time a day she was out with her uppity friends having their afternoon tea and scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam, now I was hungry just thinking about it. I was lost in this thought when she brought me back “James, JAMES, JAMES WILLIAM JAMISON!” she just about took my bloody ear off. “Yeah mum I’m here don’t get your knickers in a twist, what is it you need to say?” I held my breath and prayed it wasn’t about the two hundred pounds I had spent on my new laptop. “Well James, it’s about me and your father, I don’t know how to tell you this but well son were getting a divorce.” I sighed in relief and then the words started to echo in my mind, a divorce sure the fact that my parents were still together proved that love was not only blind it was bloody stupid as well, but a divorce, I just never thought it would happen. She went on telling me what was going to happen, but I didn’t really hear her after that. All I could think of was the fact that my parents weren’t going to be together anymore. That meant two separate homes and two separate lives, what were my siblings going to do, was my last thought before my mother said her goodbyes, saying she had to run and was late for a meeting with her lawyer. To make matters worse the next day I get a call from my father saying he had discussed it with my mother and both of them had decided that I was eighteen and needed to get a real job, put paid to this camp s***, and get on with my life. They were both so blinkered it made me pissed. I didn’t know what I was going to do. How was I going to pay for school or my apartment or even just food and clothes? So what was I gonna do I got a job as a barman. They pay was lousy and the hours sucked plus my boss was a complete duffer.


So here I is at my job two years later my life has completely changed and I am a completely different person I’m not posh anymore but somehow I don’t care, I still work as a barman at the TGIF in Piccadilly Circus but now I live on my own two feet although some days it felt more like one leg and the other one had been chopped off. One day I’m stepping out of the loo when my best chap Will walks up to me, he looked a little narked so I knew this wouldn’t be a fun night. He says to me his birds is going out tonight so he’s stuck with my bloody *rse tonight instead of getting girls. I could tell he was already snookered so I carried him back to his lorry and drove him home, bloody buggerd must have weighed a thousand pounds, because by the time I got home my back was really hashed up. I went to bed and got ready for the next day. This has been my daily life for the past two years day in and day out school, work, and taken Will’s bloody bladdered *ss home. I knew things couldn’t go on like this forever I needed things to change.


Three months later and my acting hasn’t been going really great lately, I just graduated a few months ago so I’ve been able to start auditioning but so far I’ve got nothing. At this point I’m kind of Brassed off but I gotta keep going at it. I just had to bootled myself up enough to go to my audition today. After my audition I was completely chuffed I didn’t c*** up once and to top it off I met this real dishy looking girl and I got her number and told her I’d give her a ring. Three days later my blower rings while I’m watching the telly. It was the casting director for the show I had just auditioned for, asking if I could come in today for a call back, of course I said yes and I ran around the house slipping on a pair of trousers, a jumper and some trainers tripping over my pants on the floor.


Three years later and here I am a successful actor on the West End. I’m always getting chatted up even when I tell them to clear off because I’m happily married to Elizabeth, the girl I met at my audition three years ago. Tonight I am walking home from a long night at the theatre when I get my favorite call asking to pick up some nappies and something to cook on the Barbie tomorrow. I laugh and say I’ll be home soon. My life turned out to be ace, even when it’s a bloody horrible day; I still have a blindingly beautiful wife, a brand new baby girl, and a job that’s the mutt’s nuts. So my life’s pretty good how’s yours looking now? Cheers From the Jamison family!





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