A Gum Satire

June 2, 2011
More by this author
The punishments issued to those who are caught chewing gum have been growing more and more severe. Some teachers will permit gum chewing, but most will not. If the teachers who do not permit it, catch you, they will stop the class, ask to speak to you outside, then walk you to the office and make you explain to the principle why you are in his office. After that, the teacher will try to explain to you why you should never chew gum, and sometimes even stoop so low as to tell the student that suspension is knocking on their door. These are only rumors which are going around, but I find it odd that there are so many rumors which revolve around the topic, of gum chewing.
This one isn’t a rumor; I was in the same classroom when it happened. My friend John, Soudmack, had dreams of one day going to live in the Vatican to become more at one with God. Forgetting whose classroom my friend was in, he chewed his gum carelessly. Well it only took our teacher; Ms. Nallen four minutes before she had realized who. Now for a visual description of Ms. Nallen that doesn’t pertain to the story at all, she’s a women with sandy brown hair, in her mid 50’s, is pondering retirement, and enjoys laughing rather hard at her own jokes. She quietly asked to speak with John Soudmack outside in the hallway. The students pretended to sound uninterested and played with their Nike shoes, in particular their aglets.
As soon as Ms. Nallen left the room with Soudmack, the students had begun to crowd around the door, as if personal space, was becoming less and less a problem. Thankfully I’m gifted in predicting situations like this, meaning I was the first one to that door having the wonderful advantage of hearing and seeing everything that happened outside that door. Ms. Nallen reminded Soudmack, that she is not afraid to get nasty, and began to ponder ways that she could make poor Soudmack pay. She suddenly remembered his life dreams. Mr. Soudmack, she whispered in his ear. Should I remind you that God knows everything that goes on in this world? Realizing the angle where Ms. Nallen was beginning to come from, Soudmack only ever so slightly nodded his head. Ms. Nallen then breaks into an awful grin.
How do you think God feels when people break the commandments? Not good replied John. How do you think the school feels when you break its policies? Not good John replied again beginning to grow bored. Now Mr. Soudmack, what if God and I switched places for a day. Would he smite you for all eternity for breaking school policy and chewing that absolutely disgusting substance known to me a highly Germinated Universal Mess, or as you children have began to call it, GUM! No I don’t really think he would, but I’m pretty sure that you would if you ever got the chance, replied Soudmack in a rather tired voice. “FEELING SMART ARE WE MR. SOUDMACK”, yells Ms. Nallen. To the office, she says again. For chewing gum, Soudmack says rather quietly and begins his journey to the office.
It takes us a few second to rearrange ourselves in the seating order that we were in prior to the events that had just occurred. When Ms. Nallen walks back into the room, you can tell immediately that she had just been in an argument. Her face has defined a new shade of red, and her sandy brown hair now dangles in front of her head. In and an incredibly ungraceful manner, Ms. Nallen attempts to blow her hair back onto her head, which unfortunately does not work. Even more frustrated, her face becomes a shade of blue, and she kicks her desk, screaming for one solid minute. Thankfully her screams were so loud she had failed to her our laughter, for if she had, I’m sure she wouldn’t be the only one screaming.
As young Soudmack made his ways to the office, he began to wonder what Ms. Nallen’s childhood had been like. If now, a good forty years later, she has found a word to describe each letter in the word gum; her childhood must have been quite interesting. Soudmack wondered how he could avoid situations like this. The school was becoming stricter, so strict in fact the ridiculous rules were actually enforced. Soudmack looked at what had happened to him in the last ten minutes and found two things that he could take away from his experience. One, if you do ever choose to chew gum in Ms. Nallen’s class make sure your as discreet as possible, and two, if you are ever caught in a situation where a crazy teacher as you backed into a corner, be a kiss up until you’re out of trouble.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

Site Feedback