In The Desert

May 31, 2011
By oxygenwriter51 PLATINUM, Steinbach, Other
oxygenwriter51 PLATINUM, Steinbach, Other
20 articles 1 photo 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost." - JRR Tolkien

The golden desert sands lay around me. Enticing me with their glow. But my eyes were drooping closed, still tired after the long sleep I had.

I slowly get onto my feet and look up at the teal sky above me. I squint my eyes at the sun’s glistening rays of light. The heat radiates on my face, making my whole body feel warm.

This peaceful feeling was broken by a painful growl from my stomach. Hunger fills my body from head to toe. I look all around me and see nothing but sand. I need to find food and water, or else I could die out here.

I walk a little farther. What seems like a few hours later, I reach an oasis. I can even smell the water. I walk up to the well and lean over it; there’s still water inside.

I find a dirty jug on the ground. I reel the bucket from the bottom of the well to the top, and pour the contents of the bucket into my empty jug. I look down and notice that, beside the well, there’s some biscuits left in the sun to dry. Seeing as, the village looks rather barren; I assume that no one’s been here for a while. So I take the biscuits.

I leave the oasis satisfied. I continue to walk. I look ahead of me and see sheets and sheets of water ahead of me. My heart quickens at the thought of endless water. But as I move closer and closer to them, they start to disappear. I start to run, trying to beat them before they vanish, but they disappear just as fast as I run.

Seeing things, I must be going crazy.

A few hours later, I come across another oasis, fill up my now-empty jug, and grab any food I can get my hands on.

I continue to walk, yet again. Then suddenly I see five figures dressed in black walking towards me. When they reach me, they attack me. They take my food and my water. They even take my jug. I’m left in the sand dune, burning from the heat. I get up again.

After a few more hours of walking, I come across a dead carcass in the sand. Vultures have devoured it. A few hours later, another dead carcass appears. The vultures have devoured that one too. The presence of death surrounds me and I feel paranoid. Will I be the next dead carcass someone sees?

Suddenly, a deadly rattlesnake crosses my path. It keeps following me for hours. I’m tempted to kill it, but I can’t because I enjoy the morbid company it brings.

I come to yet another oasis. But I don’t have any water jug. I reel up the bucket in the well, just to realize that it’s dried up. I search the village for food, but discover that it has all been destroyed.

A big gush of wind causes the sand to fly up all around me, making a tornado of sand. I’m caught in the middle of it. I cannot feel anything. I cannot see anything through the sand. This tornado knocks me down; back to the burning heat of the sand.

I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I have no strength to get up. The rattlesnake slithers beside me, and curls up near my wrist. I disappear into my final oasis.

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This article has 3 comments.

on Jun. 22 2011 at 10:55 am
oxygenwriter51 PLATINUM, Steinbach, Other
20 articles 1 photo 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost." - JRR Tolkien

Hey! thanks so much for the feedback on my story! your post wasn't harsh at all actually. it was good constructive critisism (hope i spelt that correctly). that's actually what i joined this site for... to get feedback from people my own age, so that i can become a better writer. thanks again!

Fayrouz SILVER said...
on Jun. 21 2011 at 5:55 pm
Fayrouz SILVER, Fargo, North Dakota
9 articles 12 photos 364 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Only dead fish swim with the stream"

although i agree that you need more description, i think you should have more AWESOME description. you already have description, but the problem is that it is ordinary. boring. plain. typical. expected. what it needs is voice. it already sounds like you can communicate an idea, or an impression of it, but once you add that voice then BAM it'll speak to the reader. that's what i have for you :) keep writing and you'll definitely get better! sorry if my post is a littler harsh...but i'm only honest.  good luck! :)

alex198 said...
on Jun. 20 2011 at 9:36 am
alex198, |, Other
0 articles 0 photos 113 comments
This is good but I think it needs a bit more description. The story feels a bit rushed and some things you say can be filled up with some good description, like how you started off with the first couple of paragraphs. I liked your description of the "teal sky" especially. I think this would just help the prose to flow a bit better, rather than now when it seems a little jerky. That's just my opinion though :) Hope that's helpful.

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