May 24, 2011
By Anonymous

You could seldom find a more average day on the boardwalk. The sun shined with extreme intensity as Vito Suave strutted his way down the pier, like a cat on the hunt. As Vito had already been in New Jersey for a week, he was certain it was high time to pick a lovely lady to take out for his first American date! He had dreamt of this moment for months and Vito was confident that today was the day he would find his tall glass of water to drink up. He stiffly strolled by several sizzling candidates, flexing every part of his chiseled bronze bod. Feeling his muscles tense and his mouth relax into a stunning half-crooked smile as he flashed his teeth in the sun’s burning light. After hours of lackluster encounters Vito decided it was time to treat himself to some cotton candy. As he ate the sugary snack he was suddenly awe struck.
He laid eyes on the choicest maiden he had seen in Jersey. She was tall, had cornstarch hair that shined in the sun. Realizing he was pressed for time he sprinted towards the lady faster than Usain Bolt. As he made eye contact he muttered, “You like cotton candy”? He received no response what so ever, as she finished her beer. He then dropped to his knees and whispered, “You complete me lady”! Unaffected she looked away, Vito knew he needed an ace in the hole. Quickly thinking he knew he must sing for his women, as he busted into the first verse of “I wanna love you” by the fabulous Akon himself. Clearly she was blown away as she introduced herself, she said “Oh, wow, my names Deena”. Running his fingers through his toupee he said “ I’m Suave……Les roll”.
They locked arms and hit the nearest pub upon Deena’s request. Vito asked her “What you like to eat in New Jersey?” She replied, “I really like pickles, alcohol, and filet mignin”. Vito was slightly turned off by this comment, having an odd deeply rooted phobia for pickles. He replied, “That’s nice….”, as he looked for anything to feign interest in. His eyes made their way to a TV nearby, currently showing the pilot episode of the newest season of The Jersey Shore, home to his arch nemesis the “Situation”. “I hate the Jersey Shore” Vito yelled in frustration as he watched. Seconds later his jaw dropped as his dream date Deena appeared on the screen with the Sitch himself. “Why you dance for Mike”? Deena looked quite embarrassed as she admitted that the situation on the screen had taken place. She went on to say “Its all scripted you know, I’m actually a really classy girl”. Vito begged to differ as he left the pub, refusing to tarnish his legendary reputation with a girl of such poor caliber. He then proceeded to get some more cotton candy. He enjoyed it immensely as he watched Snooki being incarcerated and escorted off the beach. “Very Nice”.

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