Living With Guidos

May 4, 2011
By Kaitlin Cottrell BRONZE, San Diego, California
Kaitlin Cottrell BRONZE, San Diego, California
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Guidos are one of our Earth’s most peculiar species. They are closely related to humans, along with the oompa loompa, although some key characteristics differentiate them from the rest. Humans have evolved over time to produce well mannered contributors of society, and go on about their lives with little or no trouble at all. The guido and guidette, unfortunately, have not had much success in the area of “mental evolution”.

They share a much lower IQ rating, and are often susceptible to following trends. A guido’s natural habitat is within the tri-state area. They roam in herds, avoiding any real confrontation with the humans, in search for a short term mate for the night. Appearance is everything when it comes to this species. Many often share the same features, making them easy to spot in public. Hair is the first key giveaway, as it has often been spiked to a fine point, and can be dangerous. The crucifix or rosary hanging around their necks is one of their stranger accessories, seeing as multiple counts of premarital relations have been in direct violation with their religious status, but some researchers believe the guidos may think T stands for something. The tight fitted tank tops are often illustrated with catchy slogans, this allows the guido to advertise themselves without having to actually do any work. Over sized sunglasses protect their eyes from the harmful UV rays that are found in tanning beds. They have been known to wear these glasses at night, and the purpose in this is currently unknown.

Communication, while advanced compared to many subspecies, is on a much lower scale than a human’s. It is done verbally between the guidos and guidettes, as they have made up their own language. Some of these terms include: Hippo - an undesirable female, Juicehead/Gorilla - men with an enhanced muscular physique, and Robbery - stealing a female from another guido. Learning the guido’s language was a slight challenge, but through expert opinion we believe to have cracked the code.

A guido is a natural phenomena on this Earth. As far as studies have shown, they live in harmony with other species, and only fight amongst each other. Documentation of guidos in their natural habitat can be seen on the show Jersey Shore. The series is highly educational, and enjoyable for those interested in this exciting and diverse species.

The author's comments:
This was my Description essay when we wrote our 8 rhetorical modes.

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