Can't Keep On The Edge

One more step, and it’s over. One more wish, hope, dream, love, life, gone to ash. Or in this case, just a memory, a heartfelt story burning away with nobody to watch the flames die. Die. Death. Why did I have to think of that? Why does everything I do play a role in what I don’t do? It’s all out to get me, everything I’ve ever wondered took its interest in me at the end. Is it the end? Every fate I can imagine seems horrible in my view, might as well be over. Next I’ll be the one in the hospital, but no one will be holding my hand, crying over my bed, waiting until I fall into my sleep.

Does it make someone crazy or stupid to love a person too much? If it does, that must make me an idiot. I loved him more than anything ever. Yet I find forever deceiving even in the best of lives. Any little slip up could lead you to a broken life line; any cloud in the way of the sun could send you down a spiraling hole too deep to climb out of. I tried to get a forever and all it left me with was an empty heart. As if I was a beggar on the side of a road to nowhere, asking for something every day, but only gaining pass-bys and pitiful smiles. Slowly fading to an unrealistic nothing.

Sometimes I wonder. I ask myself questions I know I’ll never find the answers to. Put myself in situations I’ll never be accustomed to. I can see the way fantasy is becoming shredded, the way I stretch it over the thick layer of reality doesn’t make this a surprise. Stitch the wounds only to cut them deeper, dig the ditch only to bury the survivors, put out the fire only to set it aflame. I only say this because I’m on the edge of it all. Toes pressed against the ledge of defeat and overlooking any reason to step back. All over again.

Moments come when I wish I had a second chance to get it right. But as of now I no longer believe in second chances, I couldn’t keep my first, don’t want to try again. Maybe it’s easier to just lose it all, like a game show with thirty seconds left and not a clue what the answer is. At one point we all have to take a chance, make a guess and hope it’s correct. And sometimes at the bottom of the leader board you find yourself holding on by the skin of your teeth. Sometimes you can’t even find yourself on the premises. Keep searching for the answer but all you can find are the remnants of the ones who’ve failed before you.

I keep changing my mind. On some days I think it’s okay to do things like this, it’s happened before. Some days I think I’m stupid and should just try to be happy, I like those days. But the days after, always the days after those happy days I realize I can’t be happy, and it kills me. More and more I die, more I hate, more I love to hurt, and it scares me. And from up here, the view from my little metal cage, it isn’t the nicest. And I can’t seem to find the key, or my keeper. I’m losing control of the hinges, the bottom is caving in, the bars are folding, and I’m starting to free fall. Free fall to my death.

I hope it’s quick. Snap my fingers. Boom. I’m gone. It’s over. Done. Don’t have to worry about a funeral, it’ll be too much trouble anyway. Find a box, dig a hole, write on a rock, all the same. I don’t care anymore. Take my heart and let it be yours because I’m done with it. Hopefully it’ll be loved when I’m gone, most likely it’ll be trash, like it has always been. Only one thing left to do now.

I close my eyes, entwine my fingers, breathe deeply, and take one last look at my life. With that I move my feet a little bit further, and feel myself falling from the edge.

They say when you die that your life flashes before your eyes. All I saw was my reflection, the reflection of my future I never got to see. All I could feel were the warm tears emerging at the moment of impact, and his arms around me one last time after it was over.





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