Certifiably Indie

April 18, 2011
How many times has this happened to you: you are in a public place, trying to ignore the drivel playing over the loudspeakers called “mainstream music” when, horror of horrors, you recognize the song being played? On second thought, you don’t just recognize the song playing, you love it. You’ve been a fan of this band since 2004, before they had any semblance of recognition or celebrity, but now you cringe at the thought of being lumped into the same category as so-called “fans” who only know the band from their hit single on the radio. Don’t they know that this single was produced three years ago? Don’t they know that this single isn’t the only good song on the album, but just one of many beautiful songs that their teeny-bopper ears can’t begin to appreciate, that their consumerist brains can’t even begin to comprehend?

Being played on the radio, let alone – shudder – being considered popular is a kiss of death for your favorite song. What if your fellow indie friends point and laugh at you because your favorite band has become – gasp – mainstream? What if they find out you are a fan of a band that has sold out? You’re sick of having to either defend your love of a band to the death, explaining you were one of their true fans from the beginning or sever ties with them because, although they create brilliant music, they’ve become just a little too successful for your tastes. Both of these options require a large amount of energy that could be spent thrift store shopping.

Never fear, friends with independent music tastes! I have invented a new product that will allow you to show off to all your friends that, yes, you liked a certain band first and prove without a shadow of a doubt that you were one of the original fans. Just follow these simple steps, and you never have to feign apathy for your favorite band again!
1. Apply for an IndieCard. Fill out the accompanying paperwork and mail it with a $300 check. Because we only select the best applicants and have a limited stock of cards, the process might take up to eight weeks.
2. Receive your IndieCard in the mail (if you pass our applicant screening.)
3. Every time you discover a new band, call our offices at 1-800-HIPSTR7 for directions in completing a “Musical Request” form. Once you receive this form, mail it in with your IndieCard.
4. Receive your IndieCard in the mail with some additions: the band name and the date of request filed. If you fill up one card with multiple band requests, just order another one. Easy as that.

Your IndieCard gives you tangible proof that you discovered a certain musical group before your friends (and all those posers to come). If someone accuses you of jumping on the musical bandwagon, all you have to do is flourish your card and prove once-and-for-all that you enjoyed a particular band or style of music first. You will never be grouped with trend-following scum again, nor will you have to stop liking a band simply because they have grown famous. We want to provide you a service that will help you show your love for certain musical acts and appreciation for real music. We all know that those who only like a band after they have become successful aren’t true music fans, and now you have a chance to prove that you are not one of them.

Make sure to tell your friends about the IndieCard! Well, not too many. We want to keep this underground.

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