How to survive a Zombie invasion

Note: If you are reading this then, you are in dire need of a guide in order to survive the weird things that are in your backyard right now. Let’s get started!
How to identify zombies: Drooling, moaning, walk with a limp, call out “Brains!”, or just stand there…making you want to shoot them, or they’re trying to EAT YOUR BRAINS!!!!!!!!
Step One: Lock, cover, board up, and do not look out any doors or windows. Zombies may be lacking in brains but, they certainly know that if someone is looking out of an “empty” house, then the house is not empty.
Step Two: Pray. This is very helpful for those who rely on the help of a higher being. Also, this will prove to you that your higher being truly does care for you.*

* If you are atheist, this does not apply to you.

Step Three: If you are with a girlfriend, boyfriend, or just a friend…DO NOT LEAVE THEM WHAT SO EVER! The last thing that you would want to happen is to go looking for food come back and see you friend walking towards and then you thinking…”Oh, it’s my friend, I’ll just go this way and…AAAAUUUUGGGHHH! THEY’RE EATING MY BRAINS!!!!!”

Step Four: Hiding places. The Following are good hiding places in case the worst is to happen…the local gun store (unlimited ammo and supplies to ROCK THEIR BRAINLESS WORLD!!!), Your house (you ought to know the best hiding places there), and finally on board of a ship that is in the middle of an ocean (If you have enough food, then you are golden until a hurricane comes)
The Following are the worst places to hide in…A mall (large space, big enough for all the zombies to hide in. Now, girls, yes that dress maker’s dummy just winked at you and yes, there is a zombie behind you…), a large field (please see mall), and in a graveyard (zombies!)

Step Five: Choosing your weapons. Zombies are prone to some weapons and with the help of this guide; you will know which ones to get!
Do get/ have: Shotgun (Great), rifle (good), car (okay) note: if you don’t know how to drive…good luck, catapult (fair), sword (better), knife (fair), THE ONE RING (Good!), and…a nuke (Excellent) Note: be around one hundred miles away before using nuke.
Do not get/have: Flamethrower (flaming zombies are coming!), bow and arrow (just think about a zombie running towards you with arrows sticking out of its head), Catapult (takes too long to load), ANYTHING with fire! (Zombies burn too slow)…you may get all of these at the mall*

* You fool
Step Six: how to run away from the Zombies. Some Zombies are fast, some are slow. All you need are two things in order to outrun a zombie. One: a good pair of running shoes. Two: someone who is slower than you are.
Step Seven: How to survive the person who was slower than you were when they are turned into a zombie. (Please refer to weapons in Step Five)

Step Eight: what to do if your house is being invaded by zombies. If you are reading this right now…when your house is being invaded…then you are either a nerd (zombies love you) or you really want to die. One word: Fight!

Step Nine: What if step eight didn’t work? Then, well…I hate to break this to you but…uh…you’re dead.

Step Ten: The Zombies are gone, what do I do? Keep hiding and help those who need help, not the zombies but the people, and always sleep with your weapon of choice by your bed.

If you are reading this, then you are prepared to fight the evils of the Zombies and continue the race of the humans! Congratulations and oh, by the way…don’t turn around. (Sorry)