New feelings

December 6, 2007
Kristy had that uncomfortable feeling again. That strange feeling where she was shivering even though she felt exceedingly warm. It grasped her like a boa constrictor, like nothing she had ever felt before. This feeling had become an almost natural thing lately, and it seemed bound to become one of those things that would greatly affect her life. Every time it brought with it mixed feelings of affection and disdain. Worst of all it came whenever she thought about him.

Why did she torture herself like this? Didn’t she learn her lesson? These feelings were supposed to have ended last year. Every day seemed to bring with it a reminder of him, even on days when she never saw him. These thoughts and feelings were beginning to consume her, and she hated it.

Last year she had been thrust into the world of rushing hormones completely unaware of the painful emotions they brought. Never before had she had a crush on someone, unless one could count those fleeting preschool crushes that were only pretend. Oh sure, there had been a cute movie star every now and then, but never anything like this. Last year she had received her first taste of a broken heart.

It began with blind affection, falling in love with an image she had created in her head based off of one fact about him. When she met him she simply continued to create fantasies that were nothing like the situations reality. She had wanted him to like her, too. It wasn’t until the Christmas dance when she had realized the full extent of this feelings.

Her friends had teased her, even gone so for as to try to pull her over to him, but Kristy had stood her ground. She wouldn’t allow them to make her suffer such embarrassment. She had been prepared to enjoy her first school dance, talking to her friends and sampling all the food at the snack table. She would have gladly settled for that, but all dances have their slow songs.

She had looked for him during one of these songs, just to get some pleasure from her secret. The fact that she had feelings for him still did not enter into his sphere of knowledge, and perhaps it never would. There he was, dancing with another girl. Kristy’s feelings had blinded her from the triviality of it all. She only knew that she wished that she was the one dancing in the decorated lunchroom, his arms wrapped around her, her mind didn’t grasp the fact that he probably didn’t even like this other girl in that way.

The rest of the night she had moped. She only wished to sit quietly, watching him. Hadn’t these feelings only been pretend? If they had been why was she feeling so torn apart now?

In the days that followed the dance Kristy had been quick to notice his flaws, which she had been so ready to ignore before. Affection was replaced with competition. Throughout the remainder of the year she concentrated on beating him in all academic categories, now she couldn’t even remember who had won.

That had been a year ago. Hardly any thoughts of him had penetrated her mind during the summer, but a few weeks into the new school year the old feelings returned. They were only increased by her new awareness of her best friend and her relationship with a particular boy in their class. No, it wasn’t the boy she sought after, but their group was often interacting with his.

This year she had become prone to looking at him and abruptly turning away as soon as he began to turn in her direction. Yes, she had feelings for him, but she could hardly call these feelings love, sense they were intertwined with feelings of contempt, disdain, and rivalry. In the rare moments when he spoke directly to her she became even more aware of this strange combination of feelings. He didn’t seem to like her, and that feeling of rivalry seemed to come forth from him at these times. Yes, it did hurt, but she couldn’t help wishing for him to show some sign of harboring any amount of affection for her. Perhaps it would come, but until then she would continue to wait for the moment she would have a chance to reveal her feelings to him. For the time being she would just have to learn how to cope with these new and indescribable feelings.

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