When I was in 5th grade I learned that girls were hot. I was walking with my buddy to play football catch outside of his girlfriend’s house. He was hoping she would see him and invite him inside. On the way over I said to him, “Man, your girl is really pretty.” He just looked at me and laughed. “Dude girls aren’t pretty. They’re hot.”

When I was in 6th grade I went to my first dance. I asked a really hot girl to dance who I didn’t know. In the middle of the song, I kissed her with tongue. She was my first kiss.

My junior year of college I had a threesome with two girls. My friends thought I was the man.

In 3rd grade my teacher told me the word “hottie” was added to the dictionary, but I didn’t know what it meant yet.

When I turned 31, I got married.

The summer going into freshman year, I turned 14 and had a big pool party with an ice cream cake. I lost my virginity that summer.

In the 2nd grade, my friend and I discovered porn websites.

I was 32 I got my wife pregnant. It was a boy.

When I was in the 4th grade, I masturbated for the first time.

When I was 52, I got divorced. I remarried a year later.

In the 11th grade, I started only talking to girls in low cut shirts.

In the 7th grade, I found out girls started wearing thongs. They also started wearing push-up bras.

The same year, a girl told me her eyes were “up here” and pointed to her face. I didn’t get what she meant.

When I turned 16, I had sex in the backseat of my parents’ minivan. I laid down the softest blanket I had because she said she “wanted her first time to be special.”

When I was in 8th grade, I texted a girl for a naked picture. She sent over a few.

When my son turned 12, I gave him my collection of porno magazines. It was one of those “father-son moments” you see on TV.