Where Insanity is Bred

March 30, 2011
By Carbenia SILVER, Waynesburg, Ohio
Carbenia SILVER, Waynesburg, Ohio
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments


Every once in a while, people get a little insight into insanity, where you feel like you're on the brink of losing it...

And maybe I was...

There were many things in my life adding up at the time, and they all found their way out of my body as writing. And, what came out with this writing scared me. I wasn't sure what parts were me, and which parts weren't. But, unfortunately (to an extent), they are all me. They came from my mind, anyway. The deep, dark places in the back of my mind that only make themselves evident at certain times.. Thoughts like these haunt all of our minds somewhere. And though I'm Not Ben, I thought him up. He's a product of my mind; somewhere, he lives in me.

And that scares me...

But, I realize, just as anyone who reads this, that he is my imagination, and he's not me... nor am I anything like him. He's a character in a story, and he is insane. Maybe he's someone who could exist, but luckily for the rest of us... he doesn't. And never will.

While writing this, I saw how “getting into character” for writing a book, story, or for other things like acting and such can really mess with you. (like how they say Heath Ledger went a little crazy before he died, playing The Joker in Batman.) I saw how music can deeply effect your mentality, and bring out parts of a person that aren't usually there. That's what this was all spurred on by.. Just having some songs stuck in my head.. and they messed with me. Yes, music is wonderfully powerful, in fact I think that this was meant to be a concept album, and one day I wish to make it one one day. But, I didn't write it to be a collection of songs... but I think that it'd make a good one...

I also learned a lot about myself, some of that scared me, but it was fine. Actually, I quite enjoyed it.

And, luckily, it passed over as quickly and easily as it came.

... The insane... “phase”, if you'd like to call it that, passed. But, unfortunately, too soon. It left me before I was quite finished writing it.

Thats where I am now, while writing this, what is to be a forward (not typing it, though.. thats where I am now, where are you?). The insanity has passed, and I'm stuck in someplace I think is the middle. And it scares me a little that I want it back.. If only for a little bit... (since then I've finished, and I'm not as happy with the second half as I am the first.. But if it ever comes to me again.. things can be revised, changed, and added... you know?)

But.. Sometimes our minds have a will of their own, don't they Dad?


The circles around my eyes are growing constantly darker

even as I write this down.

This is the inside of the darkest parts of my mind

going crazy as I start to drown.

Welcome to my nightmare

The words I'm putting down with pen

My mind's growing darker

As I write this down

Going insane from the pain I feel

As I start to drown.

Tears rolling down my face, sparking fires on the padded ground

with only me, my dad and the television set.

Conversations without a single sound.

Welcome to my nightmare

Thats how Alice said it.

And I'll always see that picture as a frown

Look at my tears as I

Slowly begin to drown.

And it's sad to know that a cripple

whose only love lived in the icebox

could've been my father all along

And I sit silently staring into the static

looking for myself, but I can't pick me out

of the collage of me in my head

My life has been a nightmare

And I'll have to like it here

Cause there's no way outta here...

Chapter 1

I wake up in the middle of the night

Sweat dripping from my neck.

From my dreams into a nightmare

But do you know what I really need?

I head down to that frozen door.

Pull your soft, cool body out

and you're freezing to the touch...

pleasing to the touch... my dear...

And without thinking I do it again...

Like a hundred times before

But I can't stop from thinking...

This time I'd like it warm...

But we can Remedy that.... Can't we honey?

So downstairs to the furnace

I've got a chair for you...

Try not to burn the skin..

Warm you up.. ooh, just enough...

But, It's got to come sometime...

I know they're taking me away

Oh, Dad, what should I do?...

End it your way?

“I'd think you were a coward.

But then again, you got that from me,

I guess it's true...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.”

So, let them come and take us... to that house of padded rooms
All along we're screaming.. Not sure of what to do... (I wish they could only hear me...)

It had to happen sometime

They're taking us away

Just a crippled f*****.. They told me

They're disgusted with me.

Not sane enough for trial.. Home is where

I'll go... And I guess I'll need to get

Used to this place..

I'm not leaving anytime soon...

Staring at you now, that formless shape on

the television set... I see you now...

Laying on the floor... Crying, Bleeding, Dying...

Is it Ok...?

Sadness never stops him. Grief just fuels his rage.

Why couldn't it be me...

But... We killed her, didn't we?

That inborn need to dominate “you got that from me”

Benni... and Sadness fuels the need.. To dominate.

To feel like a man.. “and it makes me feel like a

man”... Daddy?


It makes me feel like a man... Benni?

So, beat me, Dad. And I'll cry in rage. And feel just like you..
A Man... A Man..

And I'll wake up from this sad delusion and walk back
over to my chair... and I'll sit and cry until I'm
ready again... And then

Once again.. It'll begin.


Chapter 2: Childhood

Growing up is hard to do... when you can't tell what's

right or wrong.

Crying can only help so much.. So young,

I'd like to sing a song...

So I sit alone and sing to Me.. A voice I've never heard..

Just a child sad and alone

Singing like a Bird. And the beauty of my voice

Astounded me.. and I laughed for the very first time.

And I wept and cried in tears of joy.

Then She came to me..

“A voice to fit that ugly face,

To fit your crippled hand.

Shut that mouth and hush now, child

And never sing again”

And I didn't.

Growing up is hard to do.. Wordless without a song.

Being mute and crippled as I am

A retarded child...

Daddy was right...


And my new mommy and daddy can't give me love

I miss you, Dad.

And my new daddy can't beat me like you did...

Can't make mommy blue like you did..

I love you, Dad.

Oh, why did you have to go?
oooh, Baby Babe

I'll never leave you... I'm bottled up inside, waiting
To explode

And this place isn't home.. and
oooh, Baby Babe.

Though I'm dead now.. I'll always live on with you.
(And what a life It'll be..)


The static is humming inside my head now...

Constantly wish that I was dead now... But how can you tell?

Besides the cuts on my wrists??

I'm crying now... "parents?" Didn't you love me? Am
I all alone? or are you with me, daddy? Father?
Benni?... Benni?

Alone in a basement... This is no home.

And though I'll call you mom and dad..
You can never replace..

Daddy? Father!?

I'm screaming.. but only I can hear me..
Me, My Dad, and the Television set.

Are they Deaf?

Am I... Dead?


And I lay in the basement... Just like you did!

Remember, Dad?

How you made mommy lay in the basement?

How she got too rotten?

How the maggots got to her?

And then... you... sang...

Why can't I sing? Can't they hear me?
Can't you hear me?

Thats how I lay...

In the basement.. All alone..
With Daddy and Me...
All alone with Daddy and Me...


And It's been years now...

the boys and girls are so cruel..

And they Crush my hand...

And they Crush my Hand!

And they Crush my Hand!

As they call me a freak

As they Laugh why I don't scream.

As they Scream when I smile.
As I laugh as they scream.

And It's been years now..
And I know you won't go away!!!

And It's been years now
And I know I can Always...



That sound... penetrates my innermost

The scream and the … the scream!

The color of red!

The cool shade in the darkness where I
feel that I can hide.

In the circles around my eyes

in that feeling I get from you, Dad.

The denial is finally gone and I cast off
my former mind

And I hear my name..


Dad where are we now?

In this darkened chamber... We're all alone...

Son, you know I love you...

So, let me put my fist into your face... We're all alone.

And suicide is a sweet drink, slowly but surely...

We'll get there together..

Father to Son...


And I remember their voices...

Those cruel, terrible sounds.
And how I'd love to hurt you..

But for now, I'm the only one around.

But that cutting and that tearing at

this dear ol' flesh of mine

cannot compare to the joy I feel
if that blood I taste isn't mine.

You can scream and cry

but not deny

that this pain I feel is real

but when I cry

and wish to die

I'll put my pain upon your head.
Just like my Daddy did...
Just like I did?
Yes, just like We did...


I'll sing my song... I'll sing it as I sit in my
Comfortable chair..

But when I open my mouth up...

No sound comes out to hear...
Oh... where did it go Dad?
When I try to speak the words, your hand comes
up to beat me.

And the Blood drips down my face.


Blood, oh sweet blood.. dripping down my hand.

red upon the floor

Crimson in my hand.

Blood, sweet blood.

From my nose to my hand

From my busted lip.

Blood, oh sweet blood... upon my three fingers...
And Dad, why do we bleed

why did i do this.... to me?


I am just a kid

But I know that I am more.

I am a big strong man


The blood is dripping...

Down into my mouth... all across my tongue,

In between my teeth.. down my throat...

into my heart.. Into You..

Into Us

Sweet, Sweet Blood, Dad...


Dad? Why don't they hear me?

I'm speaking so clearly... are they deaf?

But Dad... you hear me! and I hear you!

So clearly..

Chapter 3: Love?

Love? Is this that feeling?

When I close my eyes... It's you I see...
ooo.. Judi... you're always with us now..

Just the three of us, me and you..

Can it be true?

You love me too?

ooo.. Judi.... why am I so alone..

If this is love that I feel...

who are you?



Well, father should I love her true..

Father should I love her like I love you?

ooo... Judi...

You see right through my faults..

You see that a cripple and a mute.. really does
have a heart.


Oh, please tell me, babe...

that I'm allowed to live.

Tell me life's not that complicated.

And oh, Judi babe...

please tell me... we can work it out.

Can we work it out?

Tell me, baby, how can you love me

if you'll always love him more?

And tell me, people change

But they never go away.

and I've only known you for a short time

and I've been lonely for so long,

I need you now.

But can I handle happiness in my life?

or will it slowly turn me inside out?

Judi... Judi baby...

I love you far too much..

My heart is given up..

My soul is torn apart

I've given all my heart

But I'll never receive yours...

A cripple and a mute cannot love you..

you'll never love me how I love you...

You'll never see me ow I see you...

And it makes me feel so lonely inside..

To give myself to you

To give myself to you

To give it all to you..

And never get that part of you...

Never get that love from you..

I'm not sure I can live with that...

oh, Dad, what can I do?


We're old enough now...

I love you, dear..
And though I've known you so short a time.

I'd like to get married?

So that I can.. (love you?...)

And I know you're using me and I know its true.

So go for it.. the ultimate revenge..

Against this man you say you love so well..

...And by now.. loves got nothing to do with it..

We're in the moment, love is false.

But neither of us care.

This marriage of our minds..

Feels real to me..
And though there's no pastor, no family, no priest...
This now is official.. And I love you...

And thats all it took...

To push me over the edge...

But tell me, baby is it real...?

This broken heart,

I'm waiting for it to heal..
but it won't...

I'm over the edge...


Chapter 4: Over the edge

You know how I know we're Insane, Dad?

It's not cause how we feel or how we think..

This gut feeling in the pit of my stomach, Dad...

It's growing thick, too big for me...

Oh, father dear, I'm dead inside

but its not the death that scares me..

Its the lack of all emotion..

even as I cry...

I want to smile...

And I like it.

And father dear, that's how we know we've finally
gone over.. cause this pain inside I don't want

to end.

I don't want to end...

And I like it.

So, I'll pop that same old music in and

let it seep into my brain.

And when it's finally gone too far,

When I should be crying

I'm smiling...

I'm smiling...

And I can't shake this feeling

Growing deep inside my soul..

And I like this... Insanity.

And Dad, don't leave me...

Cause I like this... Insanity?

I wake up early the next morning,

See her warm body lying next to mine.

And without a mark, cut or bruise, I look upon
her... perfect...



And ooo... Judi, Jude.. I see deep inside you...

I see into you.. Judi, Jude..

And I love this feeling deep inside, it makes
me warm and happy and without this
static interrupting I constantly relive it.

I take that piece of broken glass

lying dead, forgotten on the floor.

I feel it with my dirty hands,

And let that cool blade

cut into my soul...

Blood smeared across my hands and face

I long for her to feel this same way I do.

But she can't know me..

She'll never be

The girl I've wanted all along!

and ooo.. Judi, Jude.. I see so deep inside you...
I cut so deep inside you...

And I watch the blood flow from you..

Awoken from my deadly dream by deafening scream

It came from my own mind.

and jolted into consciousness,

I sit up and look over at your head.

your face.. It's just so beautiful.

And I really, really want to hurt you...

But it was just a dream

and Daddy you're with me

I sit up in the bed, and reach to touch her flesh.

So warm... I'm longing something...


and I really, really want to hurt you.

Want to make your skin turn blue.

Don't we, Dad?..


I love to see you cry!

I'd love to watch you... die! But not just yet...

and this Inherited domination... Is this love?
This... Is Love!



Oh, Judi how I love to see...

Those bruises on your arms and legs.

Those circles ringing round your eyes

the deep cuts, blood dripping from your thighs.
Oh, and Dad I finally feel like a man...

And I'd love to tell you how much I love you,

So I'll tell you Judi, with

The beating of my hands...

Cause you know I can't say it, Judi
Oh, and Daddy now I feel like a man...


And Insanity comes not by itself... It only is true when you crave it... when you wish for more.. When you grow to love this feeling growing deep inside of you.. and you look through all the love and happiness in your life just to keep this feeling that is coming out of you.

Deep inside... and you love it.

And you cannot bring Insanity upon yourself, if you wish it, It won't come. It comes in the night, into your room, with Daddy's fist, which pound it strait into your head.

And you grow, over time to love it... to crave that affection... and you smile when you should be crying... and you can't recognize yourself when you look into the mirror. (Or maybe you just don't want to believe that the cold, emotionless face looking back at you through the haze of pain that lingers in the air between your eyes is actually your face..)

You just stare and stare, and wait for this alien image in the mirror to say something back.. to scream.. to tear his own eyeballs out, and watch the blood drip down his face...

But he doesn't...

And.. You crave it...

And baby, I won't say that I'm sorry...

For loving you the way I do.

Cause Love is real and love is eternal

And my love is truer than you know.
And I can't live without you by my side, oh Judi Jude...

Benni's got a friend
and I can't live without her by my side
the bruises show my love for her
when words fail to explain
and I can't live without you by my side, oh Judi Jude.

Benni's got a friend

And, Baby I can't live without you

my love for you's forever true.

The pain inside turns black and blue

and theres no point in hiding myself from you.
Oh, Judi Jude. I can't live without you by my side.

Lalalalalala... I'd sing a song for you..
But my muted mouth can't do..
My crippled hand won't allow me to..
Daddy doesn't want me to.

Oh, Judi Jude.. I can't live without you.

I can't love without you...

My Judi Jude.

Benni's got a friend

Benni's got a friend

And Oh, how I love her so...

There are dark shapes circling round me now.

Late at night... are you there?

These shapes spring from my television set...

Dad... are you still there?

I feel you, I know you...But I'm still lonely even with you.

So, where are these things coming from?

To stand around my bed..

I look over to you, Judi...

But your not there..

They outstretch their hands to touch me.

And then I see their faces..




And I wake up.

These dreams keep coming to me...

They make my mind go round and round.
They drive me slowly over and over the edge.

I wake up constantly to find myself within my bed

looking over at my lovely bride.

And every time I get closer and closer to

grabbing that knife.

And each and very time I look more closely

at my "wife"...

And I sleep....

Chapter 5:Nightmares

I'm standing outside in the cold,

and ooo... It burns my skin.

So good...

An when I look around me to the snow,

I touch it and the pressure starts to rise.

Standing out bare in the snow

I love this cold sensation, running down my spine.

So good...

And around me lying in the snow,

A cold, dead body starts to glow.

Lost it's heat to deadly blow

and Judi did you have to go?

I feel Blood Pressure rise...

and I don't want to cry

I wish I'd seen you die...

The cold is warming our body now...

and I love this sensation growing in me now

So good...

It scares me to love it but I do anyway,

and around us the snow melts away.

But somewhere in this distance

I hear a stagnant scream.

But just whose throat its coming from

My eyes just cannot see.

And I feel free.

The Icy Tundra melts away

Around you and me


And the airs so cold, and so are you.

But the warmth is coming through me..


And somewhere in the distance.

I hear that same scream

and I hear another sound.

Of birds that start to sing.

And the frigid air, turns warm now.

As the flock of birds

circles round.

Like the rings around my eyes.

They're looking for you my dear.

A nice fresh meal,

But I love you, dear!

So laying outside in the grass

I'm wishing for these birds to pass

over me...

And Judi, where are we?

My minds fading to black now

Void of any thought at all

And what shines through is your face


I'm standing on a merry go round

and it's spinning round and round
like the thoughts inside my head
I wish that I were dead...

the one thing I see clearly, though

is your face, Dad... and I know
your with me now forever Dad
I won't forget that love we had.

And the love you gave, I've got scars to prove

That love you gave, I know was true.
And they say that you cannot love me now
But when Mommy died, you loved her anyhow.

And on this merry go round I see my Dad

And he's gaining on me, and I swear I've had... enough..
And Daddy though I love you so
You've been following me and this I know..

This merry go round spins round again

and this time it seems I've become a friend.
Dad... your with me forever
You are me forever.

I know by now I'm dreaming

This one just can't be true

cause I look down at my hand...

And see how I could have been.

And I feel a different kind of love...

Coming from some strange place..

A place I know to be hollow...

In the center of my chest

I count five fingers and look around

and next to me a beautiful girl

sits and holds my hand.

I've got friends all around.

And I witness life how it could've been

with Daddy and Mommy at home

With a love thats tried and true.

And It could be true...

And I look, sitting in a school...

For once I know happiness that feels real

And then I look down at my hand..

Frantically scribbling, writing something down.

And your reading it now...

A little black book with some poems in it..

I open it up and start to read...

And inside I find the story... of me...

And I wonder how such a happy boy

Could bring himself to conjure

Someone such as me...

But... Its just a dream...

I feel my way across these cool, dark walls,

As blind as I am Deaf.

And in darkness I scream, though not a

sound emerges..

And in insanity I wallow and wonderfully

If it's a dream.

And I can't hear myself scream.

So I lye down on the floor,

And start to cry...

And I like it

And I look to my right and see a face.

That familiar face...

And I despise it.

Mother, why are you rotting on the floor again?
Is this basement still my home?

And Wife, what are you doing on the floor again?
I thought I'd thrown that evidence away...

Oh, well.. No use in it going to waste...

And I Like it.. Just cool enough.. Just Like before.
And the smell entices me..

ooo... And I like it...

And now I'd like to change the name

of this chapter I have written.

Because now I feel that this nightmares

I am living

Is a sweet dream..

And I see you... in this...

Sweet, sweet dream...

Oh, and Dear...

Your sooo... sooo... Sweet.

Oh, sweet, sweet dream.

I dream of domination

To be the king of all this world

And all this world will love me...

Yes, the world will love me so...

And everywhere I go.

The children will call out my name...


And oh, the world shall love

their savior and their dove,

They'll fall and worship me...

Their "Daddy"

By now I realize that I haven't slept all night.

Staring into the blank television set.

And though its true I've dreamed

I was conscious, though it seems

That my subconscious mind has taken over.

And, Oh, Son! Life is like a sweet dream...

But without me, you'd be nothing...

You crippled little retard, you...

And Oh, Dad! Life is such a nightmares

And without death, I'd be nothing...

And I'll always say...

I love it.

Now I'm back at school, and I look down

at my crippled little hand.

I'm Crying now, and she comes to me..

Why do you look at me like that?

Oh, teacher dear, what is that look

of anger on you face?

Its not my fault that I am weak.

But you beat me for it anyway.

And the children gather round me now,

And start to chant my name

I try to yell and scream, but cannot express my shame.


They loudly scream my name.


And they cannot have shame.

I mustn't have emotions,

Being crippled and a mute

I'm not alive at all, it seems.

Just an Empty face.


They loudly chant my name.


And they punch me in my face..


And they stomp upon my face...


And now they crush my hand...

And they wait for me to cry...

But then they let me stand

Still wait for me to cry

And they look to my broken hand

And they wait for me to cry

But I don't

I don't!

Theres no reason left to cry!

I've grown to love the pain!

And this is Daddy's idea of love,

So the kids at school must love me too!

So I laugh!

And the children back away, (Ahhhh!)

As I hold my hand...

(And oh, how I love that sound)

And I laugh!

And when I go home...

It happens all again

And I smile through the pain

And I say as much as I can
I love you Dad

And His fist tells me...
I love you too Son...

(And what a Sweet Dream)
And I wake up again, to realize I've been conscious
All alone and these shapes within my head

Were static on the television set
And those screams within my head...

Came deep from within..

Chapter 6

The sun is rising in my eyes

I slowly make my way across this room.

Up from my comfy chair..

To the bedside...To her...

Oh, Judi... How I love you...

How I want to make your skin turn blue
And ooo... Judi Jude... I'll always love you.

But It'll be easier if your skins gone blue.

I take that Grand Old kitchen knife

And commit the deed I've struggled with

my entire life...

And It makes me feel like a man.

I look around, now in a daze

I'm not really sure of what has happened...

I look down at my hands,

Still warm and wet with crimson blood!

ooo... I felt like a man.

ooo... We felt like a man...
Didn't we Daddy?

And I look to her, more beautiful than

I have ever seen her before.



And It gets my blood boiling.

And I love it evermore...

And I love you evermore..

Judi, ... . Jude...

Oh, baby... now what should I do with you?

This feeling in my heart tells me

I can't let you go...

I've got to let you know...

I love you... Oh, God I love you!

So I'll keep you.. Oh, Judi... I'll keep you...

Isolated from the world, Oh baby, what
should I do with you?

So you don't end up like Mommy...



Theres an Icebox in the basement.

So lonely and cold.

I sit beside and start to laugh.

Cause my only loves... in there...

(besides you, Dad)

and ooo... Judi Jude.

Are you ready for me now?

Are you as frigid as that ice on which you lay?

I can't wait much longer...
Oh, well... you won't care anyhow...

Now, oh, baby this is Love.

I can beat you anyway I want.

Every little thing is exactly my way.

And that Love I feel

In that cold, cold night.

No more troubles and no more fights

Love is real, all through the nightmares

Oh, Baby.. yes... this is Love!

And I'll keep doing it.

Again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again + again +....

And I never get bored. It never gets old,

reach and every day I crave your cold.

And i can keep this going for a

long long time...

And nothings gonna stop me.

You are forever mine.

So I head down to that frozen door, and

pull your soft, cool body out...

and your freezing to the touch,

Pleasing to the touch... My dear.

And without thinking I do it again...

Like a hundred times before

But I can't stop from thinking...

This time I'd like it warm...

But we can remedy that, can't we honey?

So downstairs to the furnace

I've got a chair for you...

Try not to burn the skin..

Warm you up.. ooh, just enough...

And I feel just like my Dad...


And I guess it had to come sometime,

They finally noticed she's been missing.

Far too long...

And too sick for trial, they take me...

Far away..

To home...


This home of padded rooms

I've been here too long..

Just me, my Dad.. these four walls..

Until, that is I met you!

That glowing strange channel,

empty but for you.

And though you'll never hear me...

I've been telling it all to you.

With that static humming in your face..

your empty, bodyless shape.

Oh, TV set of static hum...

Tell me, where have you been?

And I'm back again, in this strange land,
My Mind. And now it's all but empty.

And I'll live this tale again and again.

And It'll live on... in me.
In me!
In Benni!

The circles around my eyes are growing constantly darker

even as I write this down.

This is the inside of the darkest parts of my mind

going crazy as I start to drown.... ... .. .. . .

Chapter 7
My life is at a close now.

I can feel it coming on.

Haven't uttered a single word in

these... 80 years Alone.

With Me

With Benni

With Daddy

With TV

With Judi

With Mommy

With you.

That teacher and her students

That husband and her wife.

All made up of static.

Been humming through my life...

And I'm not a coward, Daddy..

Though Sometimes I wish I was..
But you took the easy way.
And left me to this route.

And now a tall man dressed in white

Comes and tells me many things.

About a place of freedom.

Heaven... I think he called it.

I wanna go there...

And he tells me the only to get there

Is through the love of God..

Gods love..

The love of love...

Living life in Love..


But tell me...

I've focused my entire life

On loving every one...

And I've shown my love so many times..
So if thats all it takes...

I'd say they'd be begging me to go there..

Wouldn't you, Dad?

You must be there too...

In fact, I'd bet that heavens full of people like us!
Cause people like me and you..

Know how to love..

Know how to show it..
And when I meet this guy they call "God"...

I'll love him too..

Dad... you must be there too...

I can't shake this feeling... It's growing on me.

And I think I like this... Insanity.

And it's more evident that its true.

Insanity is bred in love.

With Benni, Me and You.

The author's comments:
Writing it was quite a ride.

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