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Steps to Success -- A Speech by Connor
*Editor's note: The way I imagine this scenario/speech: all of you (all 17 or so of you) readers are sitting in a poorly lit room with decaying dry walls and awful-smelling carpeted floors as I awkwardly stumble to the podium, shaking violently and holding a greasy piece of paper.
Hi, I'm Connor H, and I'm here to talk to you about how you can achieve success. Why am I qualified to define what you view as success and help you personally and complete these impossibly unrealistic goals? Here is my resume for any of you who would doubt me*:
*projector slowly flickers on
Own and operate successful website
Made innovative decision early in 2011 that my website was successful, despite known measurements for such "success".
Streamlined work flow at many fast food restaurants through incessant ordering of food
Named "Speecher Uv Da Yeer" by Illiteracy Magazine.
Wrote series of contemporary poems, noted for their "contemporariness" and "aimlessness"
Poem series previously mentioned, entitled "Why Are There So Many Colors In The Walls?", received prestigious award, Connor H Poem Series of the Year, from the Connor H Is A Self-Serving Egomaniac Guild.
Once ran a 40 yard-dash in about 5.3 seconds.
Known expert in field of the thoughted word
Known expert in the field of creating new words, notably including "thoughted"
Known expert in the field of known experts
Finished writing this resume five minutes ago
(Crowd reads each qualification, often taking breaths to gasp in revelation and respect. A slow clap begins once the slide has been read by the entire crowd, and Connor is forced to quiet them after holding for about ten minutes, then continues nervously reading his paper.)
I know, I know. You all are now receptive to my message and presentation, which I am here today to grace the masses with. Silence your clamors for carrying and parading me through the streets, for there would be too many tears of happiness shed by the world that day. It is now time for my breakthrough PowerPoint presentation to begin, the platform upon which all breakthroughs have happened since the beginning of time:
(The projector flickers once again, and it seems all may be lost, until a mysterious man with a camo jacket punches the projector. The projector is immediately righted, the man whispers "It is done.", and then vanishes into the air. Luckily, the presentation is uninhibited, and continues.)
Ten Easy Steps To Success*
*Editor's note: The commentary of Connor H as he shows his PowerPoint slides (slides are seen in italic print) is immediately directly below the content of each slide (as previously stated, distinguished in italic)
-Find your space in life
This step is obviously to be viewed as completely literal. Go outside, find a small place in a forest, and build a tree house. When it is complete, climb inside and tell yourself ghost stories about tree houses.
Why do you think I told you to tell yourself ghost stories?! I'M ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU! ALSO, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE WILD LOOK IN MY EYES!
-Get a hobby
Two hobbies I always suggest as building blocks:
1) Form an early 2000's classical music cover band.
2) Join a peace club. Not as cool as a fight club, but more safe.
-Coin a catchphrase
Three suggested catchphrases:
1) "Where's the cereal at?!"
2) "That greenery is so boss."
3) "That ain't no unfortunate circumstance for that fine gentlemen." (inspired by "That ain't no thing.")
-Convince a group of people that the world is flat
One step to being successful can often be making yourself think that you're better than everyone else, and this seems like a terrific way to do so.
-Run a 1/16th marathon
Half-marathons are a little bit outdated, and a 1/16th marathon is still some kind of movement, making it an impressive achievement for today's society, including myself.*
*A sad trombone sound effect conveniently plays on PowerPoint as Connor says this.
-Call everyone you've ever done anything good for.
Just to say "YOU' RE WELCOME!", and then hang up.
-Learn a new language
I would suggest either hieroglyphs or Latin. It's always important to know prevalent and useful languages.
-Go on a year-long journey around the state of Rhode Island
There's never a bad time to learn about the wonders of the vast world, and what place is better than Rhode Island? Don't say Arkansas.
-Somehow put these steps into summation that leads to success in your life
I have no idea how any of this forms a cohesive strategy, but I just put it in a speech, so it must form together somehow.
(The PowerPoint flickers off. Connor H shouts "And that's why I'm so successful!", as a Pearl Jam cover band plays him off. The crowd is speechless. No one can assess the gravity of what they have just been taught. Through great exertion, a man is finally able to stand. He looks at the empty stage and turns to his right. There he views the Pearl Jam cover band. He looks the band members right in the eyes as he bravely and firmly states "I believe I speak for all of us when I salute you." He salutes the band, crying in happiness. Each member of the audience walks up to every member of the cover band and thanks them each personally. The audience members leave enlightened, as does the Pearl Jam cover band. The lights in the dirty auditorium flicker off, and you can hear whistling. Somehow, this is greatly symbolic, and the speech ends.)