I wanted to jump, to end it all. I was tired, so so tired. I wanted to forget the car... the crashâ€¦ her screamingâ€¦ and the silence that followedâ€¦ They said it wasnâ€™t my fault that I didnâ€™tâ€¦ That she was drinkingâ€¦ that she was in the wrong lane. B-but I knew, I knew if I had watched, looked up for even a secondâ€¦ She wouldnâ€™t be dead. My legs felt so wobbly, I felt so sick, like I couldnâ€™t moveâ€¦but I walked anyway, I went to the one place I felt safe, free... The bridge. ..I stood there in the rain. Watching the waterâ€¦ I climbed on the edge, sitting there trying to forget. I remember the rain pouring then, so fastâ€¦ I looked down again, at the water right below me. I stood ready to jumpâ€¦ but I was going to chicken out... Leave and back away. But I wouldnâ€™t. I was about to jump when I heard it. Screams of terror. I looked up to see where the screaming was coming from and then I saw her, she was standing by her car, purchases in hand. I closed my eyes. I stood there a while just waiting for the silence to come. But all I could hear were the sirens, screaming into the nightâ€™s cold air. I called out to her telling her I would be all right now. I felt the freedom coarse threw my veins, saw her face contort into fear. But I told her it was okay now, that I felt so free, so light and happy. I tuned everything out again, her pleasâ€¦ everything. Now I only saw, saw the sirens, the flashing red and blueâ€¦ and then I jumped. Soaring through the sky I felt so happy, I think they called out to me, But I couldnâ€™t hear them. I didnâ€™t want to hear them. Soaring through the sky plummeting into the cold waters beneath it felt so right, to soar like no one before me, to dis- obey the wishes of the police and the one frail woman caught in this mess. I didnâ€™t hear anything anymore. I couldnâ€™t see. But I felt it. The coldness wrapping around my body, I couldnâ€™t breathâ€¦ But I didnâ€™t fight itâ€¦ I was okay now â€¦ And again everything was quiet.
Swimming with no air.
February 22, 2011