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I’ve reached the edge, I’ve fallen into a dark abyss. I no longer hear or see the warnings of those who may or may not have ever cared for me. This place, this state was reached because finally, after much pushing and shoving I have fallen into a place of no return with only one escape. Death.
You suffocated me with your pressure, you stabbed me with your words, you locked me in a cage of no imagination closed it with a lock of no opinion, and took the key which carried my freedom, my voice. Mute in this cage, you allowed me the worst of senses, the ability to see your anger, your disappointment in me. The ability to hear your curses and yells, words that slowly shrunk me down and tore me piece by piece.
I took every hit in silence, allowing only my tears to give you a glimpse of my breaking heart. Yet, even in this cage I tried to sing for you, regardless of my stolen voice, I tried to perform tricks for you, tried to please you by wearing a mask that hid my true feelings. This mask grew bigger and heavier over time in which period I began to forget who I was.
People would pass by my cage and stop to admire me, in which case I felt safe to remove this growing mask. They were friendly and fed me compliments that I refused to believe, my mind by then was much too clouded by a storm of negative thoughts created by you.
I grew close to these people, but alas, they were like tourists, they came and left, never truly taking the time to learn about what they had seen, never staying long enough to love it. Once the tourists were gone, I was alone, unloved, unappreciated, even useless, as you’d call me.
You’d push my hand back into my little cage when I tried to reach out to you. You ignored me, refused to understand me when I needed you most. Instead, you helped me build a mentality of self-loathing with every brick you added to the stack. Whenever you would remove me from my cold, lonely cage you’d hold me on a leash and scolded me the entire way for whimpering over my mouth cover.
Then, one day, as you walked me, you let your guard down, you were unaware of my self-destructive ways so I broke-free, I ran and you followed close behind. I wanted to lose my sight and hearing, I didn’t want to see or hear you, you caused me too much fear.
I was always obedient, but it was never good enough, I never rose to your expectations even as I stood silent, listening in on your ideals and falsely agreeing to avoid your wrath. As I ran, fear-stricken, I longed for my voice only. I broke my mouth cover and I suddenly heard the voice I hadn’t heard in ages. I spoke out the beliefs and opinions I had long concealed deep in my subconscious, a place I had believed would forever remain cobwebbed.
You were much too fast for me, I risked all for a scarce moment of freedom, but it was worth it. I ran to my salvation, I jumped into the abyss that you drove me to. I lost the senses I dreaded for so long. This place was much too dark, however. I lost my sanity, I was no longer rational, I could see none of the people who tried to reach down to rescue me. I could hear no one yelling, “don’t do it”.
At this point, I was only smiles, I had found my escape. In this abyss that was my mentality trapped me inside myself. Now my only escape was sweet, glorious Death.
Oh, Death, how I longed for her. I spent so much time in fear of her that I pushed her away, allowing myself only glimpses with my razor blade of what she’d taste like. She was staring me in the face now and I felt no more fear.
She was my friend, and as I stood as close as I did to Death, that’s when I said my silent farewell and accepted my fate as I walked in from the light. As this “light” ran me over, I heard none of the cries that the audience around me cried, I saw none of the mortified faces my friends and family made as I lied motionless on the ground, drowned in my own pool of blood.
I didn’t care, by then I was gone.