Just a Silly Story

February 1, 2011
Picture the scene, green hills rolling by. It's a sunny morning, a small farmhouse is seen, then long blue sheds filled with the odor of manure. A young boy is playing in a pile of hay near one of the sheds. Thus, the story begins.

Harold was a strange boy from Wisconsin, the land of cheese as we all know. He lived on a dairy farm, not as if they grow cheese but they certainly grew cows, not from the soil, but in barns, by feeding them. and giving them water to drink. One cow in particular was very special to Harold. Henrietta was a small heifer. She was born the same day as Herald. They grew up together. Harold would come out to see her everyday when he fed the cows. He would talk to Henrietta and take her for walks. Henrietta never produced offspring or milk. No one knew why this was. When Harold was twelve, his father came to his room and sat down beside him on the bed.

"Harold" he said solemnly. "We need to talk. I know you love Henrietta, but it's been twelve years and she hasn't produced any offspring or milk. We're losing money caring for her. She's fat, and useless, so we're selling her to be made into steak, ribs and other beef products. I hope ya' understand son."

"NO!" Harold, shouted, his eyes burning with unshed tears. "You can't kill Henrietta! She's my best friend!"

"That's another thing boy. You're a freak! Ya' spend all yer spare time talkin' to that stupid cow, and now all the neighbors is gettin worried. Son they think yer crazy, and they think you're gay!"

"But Pa! I am gay!"

"Well I know that, and you know that, and the cows and yer mom and yer brothers and sisters know that, but you ain't got to tell the whole town!"

"Pa! Please don't kill Henrietta! I can't bear the thought of someone eating her for dinner."

"I'm sorry son, I didn't think you'd take this so hard. I had 'er butchered yesterday. That's where them steaks came from last night."

"Oh really? Well, what's done is done. Is there anymore of her left? I would like to give her a proper burial."

"I lied son, I haven't had her butchered yet. I ain't gonna kill yer cow. I see that it would hurt ya, but at least pretend that you're just a metro-sexual."

"I can't do that Pa."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to dress you like a girl." When his father left the room, Harold started packing his bags.

Harold pondered a moment what would be most important for him to take. He grabbed his Mardi Gras beads, such fond memories they held, his polka dot umbrella, scotch tape, his fortune cookie fortune collection, his favorite hula hoop, and a top hat. Grabbing his bag, he headed for the window. He had just opened it when his light flicked on.

"Gah!" he shouted in surprise. It was his great aunt Gertrude who was completely insane, she was probably just looking for a tooth she'd dropped or something like that.

"Gerald!" she said in her scratchy record player voice. "Have ye' seen my rubber chicken? I need it if I'm gonna take my weekly gravy bath tomorrow!"

"It's Harold, and no I haven't seen it."

"Geez Tommy, you don't have to be such a little jack rabbit's behind about it. Just give me the fricken asparagus!" She then began flapping her arms and squawking like a dying penguin.

Harold knew he had only moments to flee before his family came in to knock her out with the baseball bat again, he had to make his escape. He leaped out of the window like an eagle taking flight, a bed sheet tied around his waist to protect him from smashing to the ground and cracking open his skull. This was completely unnecessary however because he lived in a one story house and fell only five inches to the ground. He struggled to free himself from the knotted fabric as his father entered the room. CRACK! His father had knocked Gertrude unconscious and was now dragging her back to her room.He managed to escape the bedding and took off for the shed. Harriet was waiting. He grabbed her by her collar and tried pulling her from the the shed.

"Come on Harriet! We have to go!" He searched the room for something useful that could encourage Harriet to leave. There on the wall was an emergency supply box. He broke the glass and grabbed the only item inside, a box of goldfish crackers. He flung the crackers madly at Harriet, who snatched them, one by one, Matrix style, from the air, and devoured them. Invigorated, she snatched Harold up and tossed him on her back, then tap danced away from the farm.

She danced all night and late into the next day, but eventually, they had to stop for food. They stopped at a cheese store called, Cheesy Jack's, because cheese is the only food in Wisconsin, as we all know. Purple iguanas were the only animals allowed in the store, so Henrietta would have to stay outside.

They had only five dollars, so all Harold could afford was cheese whiz. A six foot Tall purple iguana was behind the counter. 'Prejudiced jerk' Harold thought, but he paid for the cheese and left peacefully, but when he left the store, Henrietta was nowhere to be seen.

"Henrietta," Harold called worriedly. "Henrietta, where have you gone to?" He combed the town but found no trace of his spotted friend. Saddened, Harold left the town on his own. He walked for miles but eventually it became dark and he had to stop to rest. "What will I do now that Henrietta is gone?"

"Dude, are you talking to yourself?" Harold turned to see a a young girl with short orange hair wearing a pink dress and combat boots.

"Maybe I was, is that so weird for a boy to talk to himself all alone in the woods?"

"A little bit yeah. Why are you out here by yourself anyway?"

"My Pa wanted to dress me like a girl and eat my favorite cow, so I took my cow and fled but now she's gone missing. Now that you're here though I have nothing to worry about, because we'll team up like two people from a silly story written on some social networking site, and together we'll find Henrietta!" Harold was so overjoyed that he had a new traveling companion that he began to dance. He danced all around and spun and jumped and did back flips. Unfortunately, Harold had accidentally performed a rain dance, and massive dark clouds collected and poured rain down, soaking him, the girl, and the fire.

"Great, this stinks." the girl said. "I'm soaked."

"My name's Harold. What's yours?" Harold asked, oblivious to the girl's annoyance.

"My name is Princess Alexandria Bernadine Fusionshine Fitzgerald III, but you can call me Fitz."

"You're a Princess? What are you doing out here?"

"It's a long story, but the short version is this. My mother wants me to be the queen but I don't want to because the queen isn't allowed to have butterscotch and butterscotch is my most favorite thing in the world so I ran away. Actually I guess it's not that long of a story at all because that isn't the short version, that's the whole thing and it was only like one sentence." Suddenly, three men jumped out of the bushes, dressed in potato sacks. "Oh no! It's the palace guards come to capture me!"

"Why are they wearing potato sacks!?"

"My kingdom's in Idaho!" The men grabbed Fitz and Harold and knocked them unconscious.

Harold awoke sometime later in a small, damp room. Fitz was sitting beside him.

"Fitz," he whispered. "Are you alive?"

"Oh course I'm alive you cheese eating bonehead!"

"Where are we?"

"We're in the dungeon of my palace!"

"Why would they throw the princess in the dungeon?"

"Because the guards captured some stupid flea ridden cow in the town next to where we were captured. They thought it was me and brought it back to the palace. When they found us in the woods they brought us back but decided they liked the cow better so they threw us in the dungeon and now their naming that cow the Queen of Idaho."

"Flea ridden cow? That's gotta be Henrietta! And Pa said she wasn't good fer nothin', well look at her now, she's gonna be the Queen of potatoes!" The door scraped open and two men in potato sacks came walking in and grabbed Fitz and Harold. They were instructed that from now on they would be assigned jobs, and that if they didn't do their jobs well, they would be pelted with olives. What were their jobs you ask? Why they were minstrels of course! They were immediately taken to the throne room, where the royal family would decide whether they would be pelted with olives.The king, queen, and the newly crowned Princess Henrietta, all sat waiting. Harold began to sing.

"This is a song about an egg named Joe, he wore fancy pants and he ran real slow, but no one ever cared because deep down inside, they knew he hid something that was yummy when fried! So one day they took Joe for a stroll, walked him right up the side, of a steep grassy knoll, when they got to the top, they knocked him down, he rolled into a fence and spread egg all around! Then they scooped up the egg and cooked it up real fine, and it fed the whole kingdom until 1969!" Fitz knew she needed to add something so she did jazz hands and said,

"Badum!" The King stared at them for a long moment, deciding their fate. He waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally said,

"That was terrible, pelt them with olives!"

"Well," Harold said to Fitz, as they stood in the street, ready to be pelted. "At least we had some good times."

"Good times? What good times? Our only times have all sucked! I barely even know you! I don't even like you!"

"Yeah, that was fun wasn't it. You're an awesome friend Fitz, thanks for stickin by me."

"You're completely insane aren't you? What is this to you? Some fictional story written on Facebook? This is real life dude! We are about to be pelted with olives!"

"Good times, good times." Suddenly, Princess Henrietta came walking through the crowd.

"Oh Harold," she said in a strange garbage disposal like voice. "Thank you for saving me from that evil father of yours."

"Henrietta! They taught you how to talk!"

"I could always talk, you were just too much of a ninny to listen. Despite that though, you were a good ninny friend to me, and for this, I am releasing you."

"Sweet!" Henrietta then untied his bonds and hoisted him onto her back.

"Hey!" Fitz called out. "What about me? Don't I get to be rescued? Hello?" But no one was listening because no one was really invested in her character, so Fitz was in fact pelted with olives.

Later that day as Henrietta tap danced Harold away from Idaho, they met up with an ostrich farmer named Joe. He offered to give Harold an ostrich if he traded him his top hat for it. Harold pondered a moment but couldn't decide so he consulted his fortune cookie fortune collection for help. He spun around three times, hopped up and down, shut his eyes and grabbed a random fortune from the box. He read it aloud.

"Give him the hat you stupid ninny." So Harold traded his beloved top hat for the ostrich. He wanted to name it Jeniveve but Henrietta warned him against, because we all know what happens to Jeniveves around here (psst! if you don't know, they get stabbed by evil mutant monsters in their sleep. true story!) so he named it Ben. "Well Henrietta, this is where we part ways I guess."

"But why ninny?" Henrietta asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"Because, you belong in Idaho, where you can be useful, and not eaten. Ben and I are going to go back to the farm, and I'll dress like a girl if that makes Pa happy, Aunt Gertrude always said what a lady I was."

"I understand. This is goodbye then." Tears spilled over and landed on the hard earthen ground.

"Yep! So long heifer!" Happily, Harold jumped onto Ben and rode him all the way back to Wisconsin where he dressed like a girl for the rest of his life. Henrietta was named the Queen of Idaho, and sent potatoes to Harold and his family once a month, and everyone lived semi-happily ever after, except for Fitz because like I said, she was pelted with olives. THE END

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Exstatic Rain Patron said...
Apr. 12, 2011 at 7:02 am





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