Student vs The Cold

January 23, 2011
By Anonymous

[The scene begins with the Student waking up one fine sunday morning with a bit of a problem on his hands...]
Student: What a beautiful morning! Surely today will be a good day-hay ACHOO! Forsooth, doth the cold visit me again! Lamentations I do ascribe to my dire situation. Doth my bane come forth to address me?

Cold: It is I, the common cold. How goes your day my good fellow?

Student: *sniff* Twas going capitally, 'till your diabolical self interrupted my morning with sniffles, sores, and sneezes! What actions of mine could have required me to pay indemnity through the vicious cold?

Cold:You have only yourself to blame. Look back the bygone day. What have been your activities?

Student: Well, I started off by relieving myself at the bathroom. Then I ate breakfast, and headed off to school, grabbing onto fences and stairwells along the way. I shook hands with my many compatriots on the school grounds, utilized the public desks, and opened many portals to a healthy education. Finally, I went to my favorite restaurant where I dined on my favorite salad. Surely you cannot claim yourself to have engaged in so many rigorous physical and mental activities through your day!

Cold: Commendations on your active lifestyle, but pray, tell me, how many times did thee wash thine hands through the events of the day.

Student: *cough* Perhaps three, nay two times through the day. Why does it matter so much to you?

Cold: Two times with all that grime, filth, and germs accumulating throughout your day! No wonder your body has called upon me to make a little visit. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Student: Germs, filth, and grime? I saw nary a trace of those three when I peered on my hands through the day. What you don't know can't hurt you. Surely minor offenses in hygiene do not warrant so harsh a punishment as you.

Cold: Minor offenses! If I were the constable, I would have you locked away for the endangerment you are to public health. Anyway, I am not a punishment, but a helpful reminder. In three days I will be gone, with no permanent damage to your physical health. On the other hand, you will constantly maintain a watchful eye on your hygiene. If we had not had this little talk of ours, you would surely have maintained your pig-like existence.

Student: ACHOO! I do not take felicity in your overbearing tone! I can watch over my own health, thank you kindly. Perhaps I shall remove you with my favorite over the counter cold medicine!

Cold: Ah, but the Trinity College of Dublin has reported that over the counter cold medicines are no more effective in eliminating the cold than painkillers. ( ) It seems you are stuck with me.

Student: Oh fie. Let us strike a deal, if you leave now, I will maintain my hygiene forever!

Cold: It is a deal, I will trust you this once, but should you revert to filthiness, I will be sure to visit, like a friend checking in on their favorite drugged out compatriot for an intervention. Toodle-pip! I'm off. One wash goes a long way!

The author's comments:
This is a parody of Benjamin Franklin's classic "Dialogue between Franklin and the Gout" in addition to being a informative piece on the causes, effects, and cures of the common cold.

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