The True Spirit of Christmas

January 21, 2011
Hello. My name’s Tom. I live in a cave on the far side of the woods. I stay in my cave all day and go out at night because I am big, blue, and hairy and hate everything to do with Christmas, which happens everyday where I live. I don’t live in any ordinary part of the woods. I live in the woods that connect the real world from Christmas Town otherwise known as the North Pole. You may have heard of my brother Bumble, he loves Christmas Town. Last I heard is he is in charge of putting the star on top of the Christmas Tree in the big man’s house. Ya, he was my favorite brother until he got that job. He doesn’t even get paid, I mean who would take a job where you don’t get paid? Him and his big heart apparently.
The other day I made a huge mistake. I was out hunting at night as usual when I saw the most scrumptious looking deer I had ever seen. He was small but he had great horns and strong, meaty looking legs. Perfect for roasting. When I was sneaking up to catch him, a bright, bold, red light shone from somewhere close to the front of the deer. Not knowing what else to do I quickly grabbed the deer and swallowed him whole. After I did the deer talked, “Why am I such a misfit? Why don’t I fit in?”. This scared me so much I ran. I am not sure why I ran because the deer was inside me and could keep talking to me. After a while I got a cramp and stopped running. The reindeer had stopped talking about his depressing life so he had either fallen asleep, was too scared to talk, or I killed him with all of my shaking around while running (I am a little overweight). Growing tired I fell asleep hoping that this would be gone tomorrow.
In the middle of the night I woke up because I started to get a little cold. As I opened my eyes I saw that I was no longer touching the ground. I was flying in the air and my stomach was glowing the same color red I saw earlier in the night. It must have been the deer in my stomach. I then knew that I must have eaten one of the big man’s reindeer he uses to fly to deliver little knick-knacks to little unfortunate children. Oh well the deer probably wasn’t important and Old Fatty Clause could find a replacement. While I was thinking of this I didn’t notice where I was flying. I looked down and saw some place that I have never seen before. It was covered in lights with a big Christmas tree in the center. There were a lot of people walking down the streets.
While I was watching the people I hit something really hard and skinny. It was a pole with a red light on top, on top of a big building. I grabbed on for dear life but the deer inside still wanted to fly so I was swinging around and around. Soon a ton of helicopters started circling around me. Before they came though a lady in a white dress came up and stood under me. She was acting really loopy like she drank too much egg nog at a Christmas party. Suddenly the girl was falling off so I grabbed her and held her tight in my hand. She was freaking out causing me to swing my hand with her in it around. This caused the helicopters to start firing little ball looking things at me. They kind of hurt so I screamed. One hit my hand so I dropped the girl. Luckily the balcony thing was under her so she fell on that. Unconscious, but alive at least.
I then felt a pain in the other hand that was holding onto the pole. I then let go and started the long fall to the bottom of the building. Before I even hit the ground I was out like a light.
When I woke up there were tubes connected all over me, I was pinned to a piece of wood, and there was a cage around me. Next to the cage were many tall men in white coats surrounding me with clipboards, writing down my every move. I tried to sit up but realized that I couldn't because of the bands connecting my arms to the board. I looked over and saw a clipboard that fell on the ground as a man ran away when I awoke. On it is said grunts when sleeping, likes to moan, passes gas when sleeping, and last but not least, according to cat-scan pregnant. So I have figured out some new things today, yippee for me!
After a while of laying some of the doctors left leaving a wide open hole. I then noticed that I was not the only one in here. There were many other odd creatures here such as a bunny with a basket full of colorful eggs, a tiny man with red hair and a green suit who kept going on and on about a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and an elf that had been missing up in Christmas town for a few months (I saw the signs posted on trees all around the woods). There was something else that was there too. It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, she had long blond hair, her blue eyes shone in the horrible lighting, she had on a beautiful shiny dress along with a hat that looked something that a princess would wear (it was tall and pointy). She was very short and a little stubby but still she stood out among the rest. There was something about her though that made her look fragile, that I could crush her in my hands and she would shatter into millions of pieces. I then realized she would. I have seen ones of her type in the front yard of the big man’s house. She was a lawn gnome, but she was still the most beautiful lawn gnome I have ever seen.
Hours had passed and all of the doctors had left to go to sleep, I then decided that this was a good time to talk to Patty (I heard the doctors call her that). I tried to say hi but nothing came out at first. I tried a second time and my words were a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. She just giggled and looked away. Finally after a third try I actually said
“Hi”. She then answered in the most beautiful voice I had ever heard
“Hi Tom”. How she knew my name I don’t know but I don’t care.
“If you stay still for a second the bands will come off and you will be able to move.” I then stood still and then she asked a question I never thought I would be asked,
“So are you really pregnant?”
I then pretty much screamed “NO!”
“Good because I was worried. Why do they think you are then?” She asked,
“Because of my dinner the other night. Here watch this.” I then shook my stomach a little to wake up the deer. My stomach then glowed a bright red. It made Patty’s face light right up.
“Wow. Some dinner.”
Then I heard the elf scream “Oh my gosh you ate Rudolph!” He then fainted.
“Who’s Rudolph?” Asked Patty.
“I have no idea,” I answered, “So do you know how to get out of this place?”
“I have an idea but it will be pretty tricky....” she answered.
“Tell me. I can help.” I said. So she told me.

When she was finished she was right it was going to be hard.

“OK. We should start now before the doctors come back.” So we did.
Right after the leprechaun finally held still and got out of his cage (The doctors had the same size bars for him and me and they didn’t realize that he could easily fit through) we heard a noise coming from behind the metal door. I quickly grabbed the green midget and hid him in my box filled with food, then I laid down and pretended I was asleep. It turned out that a doctor was bringing in another fairytale creature (I found out that people like me are called that here). He had blond hair, wings, was carrying a bow and arrows, and he had on a diaper. He was yelling jibberish like how people speak in the bible (I hear it read every day by the big man). All I could understand was that he needed to be out soon because he had an appointment with someone named Aphrodite.
The mutant bird/human thing wouldn’t shut up for hours. We finally got him to be quiet by telling him that we could get out of here. So the doctors hadn’t been back for a while so we decided that they weren’t coming back for a while. We took advantage of the time and got the leprechaun to find the key and unlock Patty from her cage. She then unlocked everyone else. After that we all pushed everything we could in front of the big metal doors. Doing that caused a lot of noise so doctors started coming. I then got an idea. I punched the pad thing that makes the door open so it wouldn’t work (hopefully). I then went and started helping with the rest. I grabbed the vent end threw it on the ground. I lifted everyone in next. The next part me and Patty didn’t think of. I won’t fit in the vent. Also I don’t have a way to get up there. I then said, “Go without me! I’ll get out!” They all left except Patty who was too worried.
I then heard the doctors ramming the door open with something. “Run!” I yelled at her. She then turned around and started running. Another thing that I hadn’t thought of before was that the heat was on. The heat would cause the eggs in the rabbit’s basket to spoil and then worse. Patty could melt. Tom had to save her. He climbed up and stuck his head in the vent. Right as soon as I stuck it in, I took it out because the heat was unbearable. I then knew that Patty was a gonner. I was so sad and mad with rage that I let her go that I ran and rammed into the wall. Luckily the wall was thin so it didn’t hurt too much. When I got outside I saw all of the fairytale creatures surrounding something. I ran over and saw what I already knew was there. Patty in her melted state. I was so sad that I just fell to my knees and wept.
Suddenly I was alone with Patty in the dark. Her puddle wasn’t liquid anymore because she wasn’t hot. She was now just a piece of porcelain. Suddenly I felt a warm feeling inside me and I saw a red light. At first I just thought that it was Rudolph going to the bathroom. But then I heard sleigh bells. I then looked up and saw the big man and all of his reindeer heading straight towards me and Patty. When he landed he got off of his sleigh along with three little elves including the one who was in the prison with me. He must have told Santa about this little mishap. When he got out he went over to pick up Patty. I reacted and wouldn’t let him. Then he told me, “It’s OK I am here to fix her.” I then let him pass and take her.
While he carefully picked her up the elves set up a station that looked like you would get surgery there. They then set Patty down on a table and shut the curtain. I opened the curtain up to watch but then an elf told me, “it would be best if you didn’t watch.” So I went and laid down in the back of the sleigh on top of the bag of toys and fell asleep.
I woke up to a big surprise. Patty was sitting on a reindeer without a scratch on her. I was so thankful that I started screaming with joy. This started everyone and they all almost fell over. Then Santa asked me “Why are you screaming?” and I just told him that I was so happy that Patty was all better. He then said to me, “You have just witnessed the true meaning of Christmas”. I then remembered that tonight was Christmas Eve. I then thought that Christmas wasn’t so bad after all. Then I heard Santa say, “You know it is a bit foggy out tonight. Tom with your stomach so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” I agreed as long as Patty could come with me. Santa said yes and then searched in his bag for a pouch thing to hold her.
After I was connected to the sleigh and Santa was finished getting settled for a long drive, we were off with my stomach leading the way. Then how I really loved Santa, as he shouted out with glee, “Tom and Patty you’ll go down in history!”





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