Dear Mr.Conformist

January 19, 2011
have you ever co-existed in a place within yourself? a place where the difference between reality and fantasy is slim. where you must question everything you do or have ever done because you truly aren’t sure what’s real anymore. you’ve dreamed for so much for so long. yet, you know it is a natural function for your brain to subconsciously divide the fact from the fiction, you simply can’t find yourself to believe everything isn’t true. you ever still find yourself swimming through an endless sea of earl gray.

is it possible to survive?! questioning every move, every breath, every sound. can you be so overly jumbled up and yet still live and function properly? tell me because i feel as though i might be the only one that second guesses every move i make and every decision that dares to pop in my head. i feel as though i’m the only one fighting so hard to bare with life as i know it. that the things i so desperately for are in vision’s path yet are infinitely out of arms reach. am i truly the only one tricking myself into believing that thing as they are even ok?!

i seem to have somehow lost myself between the love lost and lies. when the cruelest people that i had ever so completely trusted ripped me apart, piece by piece until i am left now trying to recall the person i was. on most days i spend hour after hour in utter silence. not twiddling or tapping, just listening to the silence…the what i believe to still be good and fair and true. and that’s when the faint buzz of my reality sits back in. like an AM radio of hate and manipulation has been shoved into my skull.

crazy or not, i hear the voices tell me what it is i do is WRONG and all that i wish for is IMPOSSIBLE. that i could never be loved y the ones which i so desperately plead for something as small as a fragment of their attention or my honest yearning; their heart in return for me and only me, all of me entirely.

i co-exist between the fog in my head and who i truly am. but i feel as though the fog is deadly, it is my fear that it has already spoiled my mind. but i still must persevere. i must still live for the sake of the people around me. i must co-exist to survive. because this is a condition with no cure.

and with a quote i shall be done for this moment.

"I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall."

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