How to Make Your Little Brother’s Head Explode in 2 Hours, Tops

January 12, 2011
If you’re between the ages of 13 and 197, and are suffering from one of these potentially fatal conditions: boredom, EETS (Extreme Evil Tendency Syndrome), homework, growing up, and/or breathing, we strongly suggest that you take action immediately. Whether it be a Friday night babysitting job, the day before your research paper is due, or just a rainy day for lazing around, the following procedure is well-tested, centuries old, and sure to guarantee a quick recovery from any unneeded stress and monotony in your life. Behold: the tried and true method of how to make your little brother’s head explode in two hours, tops.

EQUIPMENT: It goes without saying that any successful operation will necessitate a few simple tools. However, if you are unable to obtain some items, never fear - unlike a dessert recipe, you probably won’t fail just because you substituted egg shells for egg whites. That being said, our suggestions have been proven to provide the quickest and most efficient path to explosion, and should be followed as closely as possible:

100 lb bag of smirks

Aura of maturity (we strongly recommend the ever-popular “Middle School Boy” brand)

Condescending tone (you may need to ask an adult to demonstrate)

Comfy armchair that can be easily converted into a classic “evil villain” throne with some scissors and a bit of duct tape

TIP: An actual, live little brother WILL be necessary for this exercise. You may, if needed, rent one from a friend or pick one up at your local joke shop. They probably have them at Walmart too if you look hard enough; I would personally recommend checking the tropical fish aisle or that large, forbidden “Employees Only!” section in the back of the store.

STAGE 1: Fully Understanding the Victim: We’ve all had a sense of outstanding uniqueness impressed upon us since an early age. (Kindergarten ring any bells?) However, it’s nearly impossible to stand by this assertion once you’ve met a group of young boys. While you may think that your target is a complex being, requiring hours of observation and careful note-taking, there are really only three basic rules of life that you need to know in order to better understand your little brother.
(1) There is no such thing as “dirty”. Little brothers could become veritable mud pies, and they would still be swearing that they took a shower that very morning. Same goes for the brushing of hair and teeth. Therefore, the threat of a bath should work out nicely in your favor.

(2) Everything, and anything, is edible. That which does not look edible at first is
probably the most edible of all.

(3) Most superheroes, vehicles, video games, and large plastic things with
movable limbs are to be worshipped. Religious following depends entirely on the
number of weapons involved.

STAGE 1: Preparing the Battleground: Now that you fully understand the inner workings of your little brother, you’re ready to begin! First, ensure that your parents are fully absent from the premises. Innocently saunter into the room where the target is situated, and take a seat in your evil villain chair. Begin some productive work quietly, then paste a loving smile on your face and go in for the attack. Start a nice conversation about his day, asking about his friends, his teachers, and what dangerously tall playground element so-and-so jumped off of during recess today. Continue this sibling bonding for a short time, constantly scanning his comments for something that could be the launching point for your crushing offensive.
Here are some examples:

“Mr. Smith says that mathematics is the best subject in school.”

“I like cheese pizza.”

“I was cute as a baby.”
Proceed to be shocked by this revelation! “Who told you THAT!?!” (It is very important not only to insult him, but also to insult someone he holds in high-esteem, such as Albus Dumbledore or any TV character with sick-nasty ninja moves.) Then begin your strategic counter-attack, i.e. “You’ve never liked cheese pizza – you’re lactose intolerant, remember?”

STAGE 2: Utter Ridiculousness, AKA Pure Genius: The argument you’ve started is so completely false that a young mind won’t be able to resist the opportunity to prove you wrong. But be careful! When your brother steps into your trap of explosive doom, you must resist the overwhelming urge to celebrate your impending victory! Extensive DNA tests have proven that little brothers are ancient descendants of the dog, and have the ability to sniff out any wafts of joy floating in the air. They will smell your glee and all of your tedious preparation will be lost forever. Therefore, you must appear perfectly confident in your viewpoint, even if it’s completely insane. (i.e. “What do you mean? Of course polar bears live near the equator!”)

Launch into a detailed but blatantly false lecture, and top it off with a perfectly tailored condescending tone. “Now listen, Jimmy, I know you might not be mature enough to grasp this concept, but please listen carefully. Back when the world was a parallelogram, polar bears were always born with dark green fur. They stood out so much in the North Pole that they were a constant target for any number of monsters – say, the Abominable Snowman, Medusa, or even the scariest of them all: Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle. So they sprouted wings – necessary evolution, you know…”

TIP: This is the perfect moment to point out how horribly ignorant he is!

“Oh wait, you couldn’t possibly understand evolution – you’re too young to have learned biology!” (Look at him like he’s three years old.)

Continue: “Anyways, they sprouted wings and flew to the equator, where the sun bleached their fur white.” It is vital that you leave a gaping hole in your argument, as I have demonstrated here. Depending on how intelligent he is, your little brother should pick up on this flaw, and realize that the now-white bears could’ve just flown back down to the North Pole. Little does he realize that he has just been sucked into a vortex that will lead only to his own utter destruction! Please refrain from letting out an evil “MUAHAHAHA” at this point in the plan, and instead focus your energies on completely finishing him off. Whip out your pocket dictionary (or a good imagination), and throw in some words he’ll feel embarrassed not to know: “You haven’t heard about the Grotezoanation Era? There was no North Pole for at least 5 billion millenniums after the eradication of the famous species Androrenousous Octomanous. The world was just left with gaping holes – Unanimously Irreconcilable NAFPZXB’s, they were called.” (Acronyms are always intimidating.) In this stage, delivery is EVERYTHING. Some good improvisation skills will also come in handy, such as the ability to pull Latin-sounding species names out of thin air. You need to speak as if you’re quoting a textbook – dry and unimaginative, even if what you’re saying is completely ridiculous. Just pretend you’re a chemistry teacher – with a good monotone and nasal lilt to your voice, you should be able to increase the annoyance level of your brother by at least 50 percent.
STAGE 3: THE FINAL STRETCH! At this point in the process, you’re well on your way to victory. With a little practice and determination, you should be able to get your brother’s head on the road to explosive bliss in no time! From here on out, there are only a few key things that you need to keep in mind, most of which we’ve already gone over.

Keep a cool head. Even if your brother is going absolutely bonkers, you must remain quiet and self-assured! This will probably drive him up the wall even more, and may even provide a short cut to explosion. Observe a classic example:
TIMMY: “AGH! YOU’RE SO WRONG!”
YOU: “Oh, I’m so sorry – you look a bit flushed! Have I offended you? Why don’t you just take a quick breather. Surely you’ll realize the truth in what I’m saying when you’ve calmed down a bit.”
TIMMY: “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” *splat*

If, by some miraculous feat, your brother has conversationally cornered you, never fear! Simply strategically turn the argument around, making it seem as if you were on his side the whole time. If done correctly, the results can be amazing, and in most cases will involve a most fantastic explosion.

Your worst nightmares come true – your parents come home from dinner to find their beloved son seething with anger, maybe even hurling Aunt Edy’s antique vase at the wall! STAY CALM. I mean, honestly, have you really done anything wrong in this situation? You were talking! Sharing some sibling love! Plaster on a bewildered, yet ever-so-sympathetic smile, and pretend to be soothing the little raging monster. WARNING: This course of action may also lead to explosion, and in front of your parents no less! So be careful- if your parents are the clean and tidy type, or wouldn’t appreciate the neighbors talking about a mysterious large “BOOOOOOOM” they heard next door, keep the cover-up simple and short. Next time, your efforts at explosion will surely be realized, given how much practice you’ve already had.
Above all, remember the three S’s of Sisterhood:
SOPHISTICATION,
SADISM,
and
SUPERIORITY.


AUTHOR’S NOTE: Please keep in mind that new research has shown that little brothers might actually be members of the human species, and ethics could come into question. Also, stay tuned for next week’s article: “How to Keep Your Own Head From Exploding When You Have a Little Brother”.





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