Do you know what my favorite thing in the world is? It rhymes with the shmall at shmistmas time. Can you guess it? No? OK, well, my favorite thing in the world is the mall at Christmas time. I know, I know, it’s a strange thing to say. I think it has to do with the entertainment you receive while watching angry parents and an occasional old lady fighting for the last pair of ugly socks. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the man with a pillow stuffed under his red velvety jacket with an itchy (and strangely white) beard strapped to his face. No, I am not an untamed pessimist, just a goof who happens to notice how psycho some people really are, especially around Christmas time.


I figured all of this out when I was in a good mood on my way home from my soccer win. Not to be irrelevant or anything. Somehow, looking up at the off-white ceiling of the bus reminded me of snow. I associated snow with Christmas time and then realized how much I love watching frantic people doing last minute shopping at whatever mall. Even while I’m writing this essay, I love looking back and remembering my first encounter with a psychotic freak at the mall. I was in line at my favorite store, minding my own business and this frail, small, middle-aged woman got in line behind me. I thought it would be standard procedure to just get in line and buy my things. No, that was not the case for me. This woman was infected with the, “I was to lazy or busy to buy all of my Christmas gifts for loved one’s so now I’m rushing and I will trample anyone in my way,” syndrome. I turned around to smile, just to be polite, and this woman snarled at me! When I say snarl, I do not mean she snapped at me to be nasty, I mean she sort of literally growled at me. It scared me indeed. I mean come on, she might have had rabies or something! But no, she was just another poor defenseless lady who was infected with this horrible disease of Christmas time.


After the incident, I became obsessed with watching these people do their work on each defenseless person at the mall. It’s quite entertaining to be honest. Christmas is the time for a Yule Tide Carol, Fa La La La La La La La La. If you really pay attention, you see that this is not the case. Littlest children try to stay up as late as they can to try and get a sneak peak of this Santa Clause and his famous sack of toys. What they don’t do, is wait for the infamous family Christmas dinner. I’m not being a hypocrite either. I admit that the night of Christmas Eve I’m waiting for the morning so I can receive all of my joyous presents. Isn’t Christmas about being with your loved ones and then spending an hour sitting in a hard chair listening to a man preach to you in church? I think the whole image of Christmas has changed since the olden times. Now, instead of little Bobby Jr. waking up and giving his mother and father a hug and kiss, then praying that he doesn’t get coal in his stockings for sticking his tongue out the other day, it’s four children fighting to get down the stairs first so they can rip open their carefully wrapped presents and then throwing just about the biggest temper tantrum because they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. It’s the same thing for the people at the mall. I’m sure the lady who growled at me was truly a nice person, but the fact that Christmas just makes us wild dogs gave her the privilege to let out all her stress on a teenager who was simply buying a scarf! The sole purpose of Christmas is to be with your family and loved ones, so this Christmas, why don’t you try to donate nice things to children who don’t get to be with family or friends at all. Instead of dealing with the insane pedestrians that lurk around the mall looking for the best sale, just have a sweet family dinner and ignore that your children despise the fact that they got no presents. And remember, when Christmas comes along, get yourself to the good old mall, not to buy anything, but to watch the free entertainment walking past you every step.