Anxiety

December 8, 2010
Her palms were sweaty as she buckled her son into his seatbelt and her mind was uneasy as she drove him to school. When she dropped him off, she watched him walk away and she worried what his life would be like if she was gone. She had never been this terrified. At times, she could barely breathe.

While she was at home, she sat by the phone for painstaking hours, just waiting for an answer. She looked out the window. The sky was dark and the clouds had swallowed the sky. The earth was anticipating rain, but the clouds would not let it fall. She turned her head and looked in the mirror. Her whole body was swallowed by darkness; her eyes had bags under it. Her face was anticipating tears, but they would not fall. She could not show weakness and she couldn’t show her son her worry.

She gazed at the pictures on the wall and realized that she may not see her son grow up. Thoughts like this one never ceased to run through her mind. All of a sudden, the phone rang, and her throat started to close up. She felt heart pounding and her breathing became faster. Her stomach felt uneasy and her vision started to blur. She was about to find out the final answer. Her clammy hands picked up the phone and she held it to her ear. She had never felt like this before. She could barely contain herself while she waited for the answer. A million different thoughts ran through her head at one time. She tried to listen to every word that the man was saying on the other end, but she could not pay attention. Her mind was fuzzy and his words were running together. When the voice
on the other end became quiet she snapped her attention to back to his words. He repeated his words. When she heard them, she fell back in her chair. His words hit her like a ton of bricks. Words that are just merely strung together with letters had knocked the wind out of her. She had found out the awful truth.

She hung up the phone slowly hoping, wishing that it was just a dream. Now, not only did she have to face her new harsh reality, but she had to tell her family the news. She paced the kitchen, repeatedly shooting her gaze at the clock. She waited and waited until finally she heard a car in the garage. She heard the door slam and she could not catch her breath. Bullets of sweat were falling from her forehead as she braced herself. She saw her husband and her son standing in front of her without a care in the world. Her insides were squirming with anger, nervousness and above all hatred for what life had just handed her. She knew that she had to relay the news the doctor had just told her, but the words were caught in her throat. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the back of the kitchen chair. Her family stood there, looking at her like she was about to say something. They were holding on the edge as they waited for something, anything to emerge from her vocal chords. But she could not find the words. Her mind raced as she desperately tried to think of the write words to say. How would her family take the news? How would they react? How would they pay for everything? Her vision became blurry again. Her palms were starting to perspire and before she knew it, she could not breathe again. Her stomach was in knots, but she just couldn’t say what she needed to say.





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