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The Epic of Dipnelsius, known by his friends at the pub as Dipnel This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

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On the eve of the 21st Century Renaissance, Dipnel embarked on a crusade, a holy pilgrimage, nay a random wandering for divine glory and satellite TV. As he staggered the streets of “New Rome” (Los Angeles), an overwhelming shudder coursed his body. An irrational urge to purchase new clothes and scented soaps ran through his mind, undoubtedly aftereffects of the great plague, a shopping epidemic that had reduced the city’s population to mall slaves and nearly bankrupted it weeks earlier. The urge passed and Dipnel continued on his way. Unbeknownst to Dipnel a white albatross was hurtling through the sky. Dipnel had a peculiar premonition that was proved correct an instant later when the albatross collided into him. But enough of that, Dipnel was on a quest-- much like Odysseus, except he wasn’t fooling around with a witch, poking out Cyclops’ eye, or taking important life advice from a swallow. Dipnel just wanted cable or Dish service, whichever was cheaper. With an albatross still chewing on his ankle, Dipnel stepped into a large cavernous building. Was this the cable store? He thought it to be drafty yet had lovely decor. Sudden realization hit him quite un-literally: he was standing in the Holy House of Coffee, his favorite church. “In The Book of Starbucks: 3:99 plus tax, the lord said to El Cafe, ‘you shall spread my coffee to all my people and charge them an exorbitant amount. Literally steal their money if possible and pretend the coffee is better than other brands.’” The minister droned on and Dipnel ducked out, not before taking some of the communion coffee.
What was that in the distance? The cable store! Before Dipnel could reach the door he noticed an auspicious meadow fraught with kittens. Cable or kittens? The choices! Needless to say, Dipnel spent the next three hours petting every kitten in the field. At last he climbed the fateful steps to the store. Walking to the counter, Dipnel rang the ringer or bell, whatever it’s called. Nothing happened. Dipnel rang it seven or eighteen more times before he noticed a large sign directly in front of him.
“Hey you!” it read, “Yeah, you idiot, who has been ringing the bell for ten minutes. You don’t buy cable at a store, call us and we’ll install it you moron.” Being versed only in beer labels, Dipnel studied the sign perplexed. At last Dipnel gave up and wandered back outside. A singular and most peculiar sight met Dipnel’s eyes. In a conveniently placed reservoir next to the kitten field, a man sat in a boat.
“What’s with the Boat?” Dipnel yelled innocently. “It’s not a boat!” the man yelled back. “The top is concave, and the bottom is convex. It floats on water and holds people, it’s a flotation apparatus.”
“So it’s a boat,” Dipnel replied. The man was just about to answer when the boat sank and the man drowned. Oblivious, Dipnel returned home. He deftly scaled his neighbor’s house and wrenched their satellite dish from the roof. With duct tape Dipnel attached the dish to his own roof, then ripped the albatross from his ankle and went inside. A holy miracle was on the air, revealing unearthly glory to Dipnel’s eyes, but football was on channel 10. As Dipnel contemplated, his hand inched for the remote.




Historical Note: an eyewitness, a blind man named Roger, recorded these historical events. They have been recovered today during a thorough archaeological investigation through the town dump. Historians generally cite this historic document as our chief source of understanding the 21st Century Renaissance.



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