November 15, 2010
Sometimes you really need to think ahead.

So basically I’m an evil villain. Yeah, yeah you go cry to your mommy. I hate people. And you know I’m kind of the cliché villain at that. Basically, every day I wake up, invent a doomsday machine, and then get foiled.
But would you ever imagine the cliché villain winning? I didn’t. And that’s why I was surprised when my Sun-Multiplication-Ray gun-inator-o-doom worked.
It was a normal day in the office. I had built the machine and waited around in my big red comfy chair for the hero to show up. Low and behold not long after that, the CIA agent shows up. I’ve noticed from our several encounters that he’s rather bland. And dumb. Not once has he imprisoned me and he always wears the same suit. It’s black and matches his black pants and glasses. Overall, he’s just… Bleh.
Where was I? Oh yes so he broke into my base and I quickly captured him using my trap, the sudden-falling from the ceiling- box-o-doom. He was stuck and allowed me to give him the brief back-story on how I invented my machine and how I was using it to destroy the Earth out of spite. He cursed my name several times and I nodded. I knew this whole thing was just common courtesy and soon he would escape to kill me.

I approached my machine and smiled at how I had shaped it like a sun. I had given the sun little sunglasses also. Like those little cartoons.
It had a big wide smile on its face and all the little flares off its sides. Personally, I never draw the sun spots because I feel it looks like sun acne. And that wouldn’t be fun. Imagine all that puss…
Basically the weapon takes the sun rays and multiplies them by two gazillion. I had to invent the calculations myself. Then I could step inside and be immune to the giant ray of fiery doom.
So I’m in the really long named weapon. I sit down and buckle my seat belt because, hell, safety first. I then lean forward towards the large red button. I expect any minute now to be hit from the side and taken out by the agent. But the blow doesn’t come. I look around and see I’m alone in the machine. The small black inside area is quiet and isolated from the outside. I barely hear the muffled bangs as the agent tries to escape, little does he know you can get out by showing the scanner any color but black.

I gasp from how impossible this is. I’m actually going to win for once. I smile to myself and press the button.

This is when the world ends.

Outside my shaded viewport I watch as the ray redirects the sun’s heat, and multiplies it. A large yellow, light beam scythes across the surface of the earth cutting down everything in its path. I can’t stop smiling as I watch a suburban house complex being engulfed. The sky was a fire with even the smallest molecules of oxygen igniting in the flames. It was awash with reds and oranges. Any other person could see the beauty behind it, if it wasn’t for the total death and destruction. The pounding of the agent turned into a yelp.
Then I blacked out.
I apologize that I cannot finish the description of the spectacle; however I couldn’t handle its might.
I awoke to find myself strayed across the ground my machine strewn across the landscape behind me. In front of me was a wasteland. It appeared to be a downtown area with several burning hulks of skyscrapers scattered about. I slowly stood and began walking forward down the crumbled road. Every now and then a weed would poke out defiantly saying.

“I can take on anything! I survived the apocalypse!”
I enjoyed walking down the street stomping on these said weeds.

Finally, I found the first building to somewhat survive. Wal-Mart.
It was nestled between two larger buildings and its giant sign broadcasted to the area a great “Screw you world!”
I felt it was the perfect new home.

I entered the front door and looked around. The shelves were all fallen and tilted. Their contents strewed about the ground. Nearby I found an employee with a pole rammed through his head. I smiled,
“Ouch.” I laughed and continued into the store. I pondered on how it had survived the beam of light. I figured it must have been guarded by the nearby buildings. They could have shaded it from the super heated planet. It was an interesting conundrum but more important things were at hand. I was hungry.

I entered the food court of the Wal-Mart and looked around. It was just as disheveled as the rest of the place with tables strewn about. The neon sign for the McDonald’s was hanging limp on its supports dangling into a fish tank below it. I can tell you this, the fish didn’t make it.

I approached the McDonalds and said to the man behind the counter, “One Big Mac please!” He didn’t respond. I prodded him and noticed that he too had died. It seemed his eyes had burned out of their sockets and his brain roasted. I looked to see what had done it and laughed, “Bloody sunroofs.”
I looked back at him and noticed his outstretched hand clenching a bag. I pried his fingers off and opened it. Inside nestled one Big Mac. I took it and went back to my seat. I remember to call back, “Thanks man!”
I took my seat and began thinking about what I was going to do. I took a bottle of ketchup lying nearby on the floor and poured it out for my burger. I dipped the burger and took a bite. “Delicious!”
I figured out a few things, I could colonize my Wal-Mart, or I could declare myself ruler of the world. I could go around finding any remaining humans to be my subjects. I chose all three.
Step one: Colonization.
I started with my colonization efforts. I headed into the camping/landscaping area and looked around. There was a large green tent already set up with three different rooms. I was in awe. I chose this as my house and continued looking. I found a charcoal grill along with around 50 pounds of charcoal. Instead of lugging it all back to my house I would commute every day for meals. I pushed it off my mind. It wouldn’t be that bad. I took the two steps back to my tent and sighed. No it was too far.
I moved the grill to right outside the tent door. Much better.
I continued next bringing large amounts of food to my base. I grabbed the essentials, Hershey’s chocolate bars, Fruit snacks, 10 pounds of Red Vines, and some T.V. dinners. I also ripped out a microwave from the wall and took it with me. I could find something to power it later. I dumped my supplies in one of the rooms of the tent and left again.
This time I left for entertainment and decor. I found a big red comfy chair like the one I had at my old home. I picked it up and slowly carried it back to my tent. I left again and entered the magazine racks. I grabbed my normal porno’s, tech, and news magazines when I suddenly dropped them all in shock. They had what I would have searched forever for. The very last ever edition of O. I quickly picked it up and rubbed it on my cheek. Thank god Oprah survived the apocalypse. Well at least her magazine. I scrambled about collecting my magazines again and dumped them into the same room as my food. I continued my escapades throughout the first day.
By the end I had my tent completed. A Jim Morrison poster hung on one of the walls over a TV showing a fireplace. In front of it sat my large comfy red chair. In the next room was my food and magazines. I had found a frame for my O so that it wouldn’t be damaged. Then in the final room were my sleeping bag, some tissues, and a cut out flap so I could exit in the night for the bathroom.

Step 2: Declare myself ruler of the new world.

I held a ceremony. It was nothing really big. I had all the stuffed animals sitting in small folding chairs and there was a podium in front of my tent. I wrote up a little speech and read it to the masses.

“Since I am the only live being remaining on the face of the Earth I now declare that I am its supreme ruler. All shall bow before me and must give me a sacrifice on every Sunday. I accept only Virgins and large feasts.” I thought I heard a moaning and apologized, “I can’t take Visa or Mastercard because they’d default on the payment. Sorry.”
I folded my speech and tucked it away in my pocket. That would be in a museum one day. And the museum would be named after me.

Step three: Finding other humans to be my minions.

I left the solitude of my Wal-Mart slowly. For all I knew it was the only safe place on the planet. But I needed to find others if I was going to be their leader. I turned left as I exited and went down a side street. The orange sky loomed in front of me over the wasted horizon. It was a depressing sight, which is why I believed my attempts would succeed.
I turned another corner, keeping track of where I was in my mind, and saw a figure bending over a car. It appeared they were trying to open the door. I jumped in glee and ran forward calling, “HELLO CITIZEN! I am here to be your tyrannical dictator.” The person did not respond and I began shaking their shoulder.
“Hello? Madam?” I asked and shook harder. Then I noticed that her hand was melted onto the car door. I fell backward and screamed. “Oh my god!” I crawled away and was hit with a realization.

I really was the only sentient being left on the Earth.

Slight miscalculation in the design, I had hoped for groveling humans to rule. I think I overdid the groveling part.

I returned to my Wal-Mart with my face in my palm. I had royally screwed up. It was probably in part that I had never expected to succeed. If only that agent had stopped me! I wouldn’t be in this situation. I noted that. That’s what the history books would say. It wasn’t my fault it was the agent’s.
I was startled out of my thinking by the last thing I would have thought I’d hear. It was coming from right in front of my Wal-Mart.

“MOOOOO!” It said. I frowned and looked up. Right in front of me stood a cow. It looked at me with inquisitive eyes. I didn’t wonder how it survived the apocalypse, instead I rejoiced. I ran forward and hugged it screaming, “I’m not alone! I’m not alone.”
The cow gave me another inquisitive moo.
I hugged him harder and said, “I’m going to name you Ricky!”
-Several days later-
The days flew by with me and Ricky exploring the wasteland around Wal-Mart. He knew the rules and stayed far away from my O magazine. We got along fine.

It was a normal day, but I felt that Ricky was feeling off. I had cooked us a nice meal of Pork (for me) with green beans, skittles, and mountain dew. I knew Ricky wasn’t feeling good because he hadn’t eaten any of his skittles and I knew they were his favorite. I started to see what was wrong, “Now Ricky you aren’t leaving this table until you eat all of your food. ALL of it.” Ricky nodded and went back to his eating. I finished and crumpled up my plate before standing and going for a walk. I took my normal track around the store checking all the entrances, to see if someone had attempted to get in. I stopped by in the video game department to play a little, before turning and heading back home.
I had just come out of the frozen foods when I heard a crash. I felt my gut fall, “Ricky!” I screamed and began running to the tent. I arrived to see his plate missing from the table and a skittle trail in the front door. I followed it slowly in and found Rick standing in my room for food. Next to him was the O magazine. It had been broken from its frame and chewed up. It seemed instead of finishing his skittles Ricky had bitten into my favorite TV host. I stood in the doorway shocked and upset. Ricky turned and looked at me. The front page fell from his mouth and he cocked his head,
“Moooo?” He asked.
He had taken the one thing I told him to leave alone. I didn’t care if he was my only company. I was no longer a fan of my bovine friend. I began to weep over my loss and exited the tent.

The tensions continued to rise and rise. I had had it with Ricky. It was time we took our separate ways. After several months I began to run low on food from Wal-Mart and contemplated killing him for steak. I originally pushed these thoughts from my mind, but as time went on they became more and more prominent. I had decided to kill Ricky that night and on my nightly walk I grabbed a large cleaver from the meat department. When I returned I found the tent a mess and Ricky missing. I was shocked and wondered where he went. I jumped again when I heard a moo from behind me. I spun to see him standing at the end of the aisle.
I said,
“Come here Ricky. I have something to show you.” But he had figured me out. He ran out the front door and I followed. He led me on a chase through the city and to a large pit. At the bottom of the pit I heard a baby crying. I stopped in amazement.
“Holy crap! Ricky! Are you saying that there is someone down there? Little Jimmy is stuck in a well!” I approached the side of the pit and looked down.
The dark of the pit continued for what seemed forever. I kicked in a pebble and watched it plummet. I didn’t hear it splash. I frowned.

Suddenly, I felt a push from behind. I turned to see Ricky shoving me into the hole with his noise. I barely called out, “What the fu…” before I plummeted into the pit.

I hit the bottom and landed on a small toy doll. I recognized it because Ricky had been carrying it around with him often in the store. I had thought it was cute. Now it just seemed…

I realized something and looked back at the top of the pit. At the top stood Ricky. His eyes seemed to be glowing red, with an evil glint.

I had made a miscalculation.

I wasn’t the only sentient life on the planet.

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