The Life of Ruby

October 27, 2010
This is a spoof fairytale based on “Snow White.”

Once upon a time there was a secretary that was as sweet as could be and her name was Ruby. She was a jewel, she helped people out, worked at the homeless shelter on the weekends and worked in her berry garden when it was needed. One day her boss got so jealous of her lifestyle that she paid Australia to say “That they were bringing her on a business trip to ‘Las Vegas.” But, that’s not where they were gonna bringing her. If they were ordered to drop her in the outback, then they would kill her. When they dropped her in the outback they told her to run as far away as possible. When she took off she started to stumble and breaking her heels. Suddenly, she fell into a pile of kangaroo poop. When she got up, she said, “Well isn't it my lucky day! I was abandoned by the Australians, and now I just fell face first in poop. What else could go wrong?”

Suddenly there was a rustle in the bushes. It was a kangaroo and his name was Alfalfa. He had short scruffy fur, flies buzzing around him from the extensive stench, and teeth that were in the shape of rectangles, which had given him an overbite.

“Are you lost?” asked Alfalfa. “Why, yes I am!” said Ruby. “Why don’t you follow me!” said Alfalfa. “Okay”
“Where can I put my broken heels?” asked Ruby. “Oh we have a mound of high heels at the aborigines’ cabin. You’re not the first person that she’s sent away. Your boss wants to be number one, so that no one can fill her position. Do you want me to take you to the mound?” asked Alfalfa. “Yes please!” said Ruby. When they arrived at the cabin there were pots and plates that were dirty and a house that hadn't been cleaned in months. “Where are the aborigines?” asked Ruby. “They should be home soon.” said Alfalfa. “I guess I should start cleaning.” said Ruby with a sigh. “This is the messiest house I've ever seen.” said Ruby. So Ruby started with the dishes and then moved on to cleaning the rest of the house. Ruby was so exhausted that she decided to go take a nap. Once she got upstairs she laid down and took a nap.
When she woke up there were seven small aborigines standing over her. Their names were Gassy, Smarty, Binky, Tarzan, Cupid, Snooty, and Cooties. They had all created an appetite for goat balls and butternut squash. So Ruby went downstairs and made their supper while they were washing up. Next, they sat down and ate their dinner while listening to their favorite artist Michael Jackson and then they went straight to bed for an early start in the morning.
The next morning, they warned Ruby about what the boss did to the past employees. Then they went off to hunt. Ruby wanted to thank the kind aborigines by baking them a warm apple pie with Cinnamon and brown sugar. So, when she was on her way back from picking her sphere looking apples she had discovered a man wrestling a crocodile with his two bare hands. When he had first laid eyes on her his hand had gotten honked off”awoooooooga!!!!” said the gentlemen. “Are you alright?” asked Ruby. “Just a major artery and my hand.” said the gentlemen. “Let me help you.” said Ruby. So Ruby took him home and bandaged him up. “I’ll be right back I have to go pick some medicine berries!” said Ruby.

When Ruby reached the medicine berry bush, there was an old wrinkled lady just sitting and eating berries. The lady asked “Would you like some of my special berries?” “Why yes I would, but you need them more then I do!” replied Ruby. “That’s okay, just try one to make sure they won’t kill you, I mean to make sure these are what you need my pretty!” said the old lady. “Of course.” said Ruby. When she swallowed the berry she felt fine for a minute, but suddenly she had a Cesar and fell into a deep sleep. When the aborigines were on their way home from their long hunt, they had found Ruby lying on the ground. They immediately rushed her home as fast as their little legs could run, but they couldn't find a cure.

So the aborigines put her in a glass coffin and put flowers around it. When the wrestler found out the news he was devastated and rushed over. He had then decided to give her a kiss. When she woke up from her deep sleep, he told her that he was a king. “Really?” asked Ruby. “Yes” said the gentlemen. I am the king of crocodile wrestling. Then they strolled off on the crocodile and they were never heard of or seen again.


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