The Legend of Lady Gaga

October 27, 2010
The Legend of Lady Gaga

It was a dark, cold, and windy night for the Land of Oz I was on my way home from work and was just it getting out of the very creepy forest where I was mugged again by some extremely fast spinning brown thing. I was just about a mile from home when I heard a rustling in some bushes. Then out came this peach colored tall thing with blond hair (Lady Gaga)! I looked up at it and said, “So what the heck are you?! Anyways I am a Domo I am a chocolate brownish color, I am very fuzzy, loyal, lovable, huggable, funny, and EPIC, species.”

Lady Gaga replied, “I am a human, and I am not chopped liver, that is what I am wearing. I am truly lost because only a blond like me would hire a butcher as a personal stylist and pilot. You see I was trying to get to New York City and I somehow ended up in this dump.”

The Domo replied now knowing who and what she was said, “I can help you get to Green Apple City. If we ever get to go there we can ask the wizard to return you to this New York City of yours.”

With that Lady Gaga agreed with him and decided to stay the night with him so that tomorrow they could go to Green Apple City. Even though she had to stay outside behind the Domo’s house in his unporportionally huge garage to his house so she was warm and didn’t die of hypothermia.

The next morning after breakfast they set off for a long journey for Green Apple City. About five miles away from home they found a sidewalk that was made of gold that should lead them to the Green Apple City by the next morning. After about five miles on the road a groovy, retro style, blue, green, and orange van came charging up the road and the next thing Domo knew was that Lady Gaga was on the sidewalk crying. Then there was the sound of a “Rugh- roh!” from inside the van and then they came out, there were four of them and a little brown dog.

The one in orange said, “Fred, you idiot, you stinkin’ idiot, you hit Lady Gaga!!!”

The little brown dog said, “Rady Raga!”, and then it really turned into a horror show because he started singing Bad Romance horrifically along with Fred who looks like he always is wearing an orange ascot, the one in orange who talks with words that make your head go ka-boom, the in purple who is incredibly vain, and the pig who won’t stop eating who was wearing a green shirt.

After all of this horrifying four minutes and fifty four seconds went on and finally ended, the Domo asked them their names. They replied, “Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby Doo.” After this was all over they apologized to Lady Gaga and made sure she was alright and that she could continue on her journey unharmed.

Once they all had left Lady Gaga said, “Well, I don’t believe in superstitions, but I think this journey will take more than a day.”

The Domo agreed and they set off again for Green Apple City again. They came to a spot about ten miles up the road and there was a trickling stream and a huge roaring waterfall, which the Domo thought was beautiful, but Lady Gaga said, “It makes me want to pee, but I think I can hold my bladder for a little longer.” With that they continued along the road again, but then about five minutes later they arrived at a swamp and saw two ogres, three baby ogres, a really stupid donkey, who sounded like Eddie Murphy, that was eating waffles, and a really cute orange cat that was wearing boots and a hat.

They approached the biggest ogre and asked him who he was. He replied, “My name is Shrek, this is my wife Fiona, these are my three children, my friend Donkey, and my other friend Puss in Boots.”

Lady Gaga now looking like her bladder was about to explode asked, “Can I please use your bathroom because I’m famous so I usually am able to pee whenever I sneeze!”

Shrek replied, “Yes, you can just as soon as Fiona gets out.”

Then Fiona had to scream, “Shrek can you help me? The toilet is plugged again! I think it was Donkey’s waffles again!”

Then Donkey screamed at the top of his lungs, “Well I heard you say that you were all backed up again so I gave your waffles lots and lots of extra fiber.”

Then Shrek said, “Fiona get out of there and let Lady Gaga pee already!”

So she yelled back, “Okay, but unplug the toilet first otherwise she would die of the stench, and by the way I think it would be best if you got the planetary size Fa-breeze!”

So Shrek went up to the toilet in an atomic waste suit, then rushed Lady Gaga and Domo to an underground bomb shelter and then he pulled a cord that reached all the way to this huge can of air freshener that made the swamp smell like oranges. Then Lady Gaga said, “I finally can stinkin’ pee!”

With that she ran faster than the flash up to that bathroom and didn’t come out for another hour. It was then when Fiona finally said, “I hope she’s okay because she might have fallen in or passed out in there just do to the fumes of the past package.”

With that she went up to the bathroom and a minute later pulled out the green Lady Gaga. Then she started giving her CPR until she came back to life. Then Lady Gaga said, “Well this was fun, but I think we should be going now. Thanks for all of your help, but bye for now.”

Then she picked up Domo and bolted out of the swamp, not realizing she was being watched by Oz’s most feared person, Mr. Six(that crazy old guy from Six Flags that dances a lot). He was watching them ever since last night when Domo was almost mugged by one of his minions, Taz the Tasmanian Daredevil. They haven’t met his second minion yet, but he had plans for them to meet Stitch well quite frankly very, very, very soon.

Then after they past their stalker walking to the golden sidewalk again to hopefully get to Green Apple City... hopefully. Then about fifty miles up the road and after a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, cranberry sauce, a bottle of A&W root beer, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, and a huge and I mean huge ice cream sundae. Then as they were returning to walking again, the question crossed Lady Gaga’s head and that was, “How the heck can you fit that ginormously huge lunch in one teeny, tiny little bag?”

The Domo replied, “What did you expect, us Domos really know how to pack a lunch.”

With that they set off again hoping that nothing would disturb them again. Obviously they were going to be wrong. Then about ten more miles up the road, they saw two kids building this HUGE catapult that looked like they were going to ride it. Well anyways, the first kid was shorter, had a triangular head, had a little tuft of orange hair, and he was wearing blue pants and an orange shirt. The other kid who was with him was a little taller than him, had a head shaped like an F, was wearing purple suspenders, and a white t-shirt, had a little more hair than the other kid, but his hair was green, and had a British accent. They walked up to them and said hello to them.

The shorter one said, “Hi, I am Phineas and this is Ferb and you’re... gone!”

Yes, she was gone, Lady Gaga was kidnapped by a little blue, cute, funny, evil alien named Stitch, well sort of Stitch isn’t evil, he’s just being used by Mr. Six as a minion.

Domo started panicking, hyperventilating, and then he started screaming, “Where is she going? We have to save her, like now!”

“Calm down little Domo,” Phineas said soothingly, “We know exactly who captured her, where she is going, and why she is going there. She was kidnapped by Stitch, who is a minion for Mr. Six. He is at his private Six Flags right here in Oz. He wants her because every day he tries to throw a dance party, but with Lady Gaga singing, everyone in Oz will show up.”

Domo, still feeling a little skeptical about this said, “How will we get there though?”

Phineas was now extremely excited and pumped up, overly excited said, “That is what we have been working on today, a catapult to Mr. Six’s private six flags. Now if you will come with me into this black ball, I will show you to the very small person seat.”

With that Phineas walked up to the black ball, pressed a button on it, and a door opened up. All three of them walked inside, and was greeted by a computer automated voice that said, “Welcome to Phineas and Ferb’s ultra awesome catapult ride. We will be departing in about one minute. Please take your seats and lower you restraints.”

They all walked to their seats and pulled down their restraints. Now that the computer had detected that they had sat down and pulled down their restraints, it began to say, “Please stay as far back as you can in your seat for safety reasons, as the restraints are soon going to be locking now. Please push up on your restraint to make sure that it is indeed secure,” so they all did just as they were told, then the computer said, “restraint check complete, starting launch sequence now.”

There was a slight delay and then the ball rose out of the ground in-between two supports in a sling. The two supports were both 100 feet tall and they began rotating around an axis 50 feet tall. The ride did this ten times building speed each time until they had built enough speed to be launched into Mr. Six’s private Six Flags. After they were already enough so that Domo had turned pink and Phineas and Ferb had turned green because they were spinning at approximately 250 mph, were flipped upside down ten times, they were finally launched on the twenty mile journey.

Phineas finally commented, “Ferb, I think we got way too much spin on the ball.”

Well to tell you the truth they did because they were all stuck to the top of their restraints and the back of their seats. This made the two minute journey feel like an hour. Finally the computer said, “Landing in ten seconds. Prepare for a wall crashing (take this literally) into the private Six Flags.”

After this sentence was finished all that they heard was a huge crash. Then there was the cracking of the ball. Then they finally were in. It was a thrill junkie’s paradise, every ride or coaster imagined was here. It was the largest thing in the Land of Oz, taking up 50% of all its land.

Phineas extremely excited again yelled, “We finally made it, Ferb! Now we can go hang out with Mario, Peach, Bowser, Bowser Jr., Toadstool, Toad, Toadette, and Luigi.”

Then Domo asked the driving question, “Where is Lady Gaga? If you know tell me and how can I get there?”

Phineas responded, “I don’t know, but if you ride the coaster in the back of the park it might tell you where she is.”

After Phineas told him this Domo thanked them and went to the very back of the park to find that the most death defying roller coaster in the world. The “Puke Your Face Off While Screaming Your Butt Off!” He was the only one in line, although the park was extremely packed today, shocker. As he made his way through the maze of a waiting queue to the ride he had second thoughts then third thoughts about doing this but he made up his mind and faced his fears and did it. He got buckled into the ride, got cleared to depart, and there wasn’t turning back now. His car climbed up the 500 foot tall hill and stopped at the top to look at the 90 degrees drop 550 feet down underground traveling at 150 miles per hour being pressed to the back of the back of his seat again. He was finally relieved when the drop was finally over but then he had to go through the 300 foot tall cobra roll and then a 250 foot tall drop again leading into a 200 foot tall vertical loop. Then the rest of the ride is so hard to tell because it just turns into a huge tangled mess no one can follow. This can never be followed because just about everyone who rode on this coaster was screaming their face off by now, puking their face off by now, or doing either both.



Even now Domo was just lost because was one of the ten people who have rode this coaster that hasn’t screamed, puked, cried, or turned another color besides a normal peach color. Domo knew that this would pay off soon because he was told Mr. Six was somewhere at the end of the ride somewhere. Finally the ride was over. Domo felt a piece of plastic like thing peeled him off the back of his seat and off the top of his restraints. Then he saw a sign that read, “If you go left you will not end up at the park again, then if you right you will end up at the park again.” Then there was a sign under this one that read, “If you go right you will get back to the park again, then if you don’t go right you will end up at Mr. Six’s layer.” After reading this domo used something he learned in geometry called the law of syllogism and read the signs as, “If you don’t go left then you won’t end up at the park again, then you end up at Mr. Six’s layer.” So he took the left path and just in time too.

He was just in time because one of the station managers heard that he was here and was ordered to deport him from the park. After he dodged every booby trap and figured out every conditional statement using the law of syllogism to get to the heart of his layer where he was hiding Lady Gaga. Once he saw her, she yelled, “Let’s go! The wizard is only three miles away from here and I want to get out of this insane place.”

As she was yelling at him he untied her, so they could run away from here and get to the city. So they ran off before anyone would know that they were gone. Once they found out where the road was they started walking again and then they saw it. There was this huge green apple with glowing lights all over it. They arrived at the gates and saw a huge stairwell leading up to a canopy with a sign saying wizard.

Domo said, “We’ll be up in no time at all… hopefully.”

So they started walking and they were actually up in no time at all. So they entered the canopy to meet the wizard.

Lady Gaga asked, “Is anybody there?”

A booming voice replied, “Git r done, you bet I am!”

Lady Gaga grunted, “Oh god it’s Larry the Cable Guy.”

Larry The Cable Guy said, “Well what does little Miss Lady Gaga want, to go home?”

Lady Gaga replied, “Yes.”

So the wizard replied, “Well why didn’t you just say so. All you have to do is sing Poker Face and you will be transported back to NYC.”

She thanked him and the Domo, saying, “I will truly miss you. You are a very incredible little thing.

After all of this was done she began to sing Poker Face. Then a golden light surrounded her and then she disappeared. As Domo was leaving Big Apple City, he looked up at the stars and hoped she arrived at her world with no problem at all. Now all he had to do was go home. Only this time just as he got home he saw Katy Perry. Then he yelled, “No, not again!”


Fin.
By Liam Jilek





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