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Ghosts of External and Internal Nature
Daniel, Or rather Kurt, leaned in slowly as if I was the one who would dissapear. I could feel the heat reach my cheeks and to my toes. He pressed a warm hand to my cheek. Warm, not the deathly chill that his form normally consisted of. And for a split second, I felt like we could just stay like this and not worry about how irrational this was. Just suspended in time. He leaned in more, his eyes watchful. I began to lean in too, but looking into those familiar brown eyes, I turned away. "This is wrong." I whispered.
Sure, I knew Daniel was the one feeling, the one moving. But looking at the face that I had grown so used to seeing every morning I realized that those were Kurt's eyes, his lips and his lengthy eyelashes. Kurts full lips that I had almost pressed to my thin ones.
And just like that, Daniel was gone and Kurt's eyes blinked at me, obviously confused as to why we were both sitting so close on my bed. He took me in, my face turning red and my eyes stinging with embarassment. The awkward feeling was almost tangible.
"Aw S***." He said, leaning back and bringing his hand to the nape of his neck.
"I'm sorry. We didnt..." I began, but I knew that there was no way to really explain what happened. At least, not with the emotions clouding my mind.
Kurt grimaced, "I thought the whole point of this was to get the guy to move on? Not stay stuck on you... And stuck in my body."
This was so embarassing, "I know. I'm sorry Kurt." I clenched my teeth, hoping he could feel just how sorry I was. That way we could change the subject and talk about video games, sports, or books. Just anything to get the topic off of Daniel's ghost.
He shook his head, "Look, get this Daniel kid to move over, or on, or whatever you call it. But more importantly, save your heart for someone alive. Someone who can appreciate you to the full extent."
I couldn't help but laugh and joke as I tried to change my embarrassment into something we could both smile at, "What? Someone like you?"
His expression didn't change, "I'm just saying."
Daniel hadn't shown up for eight days and I could only assume that he was angry. Angry at me for pulling away and rejecting him. Angry at Himself maybe. Angry that he wasn't alive. But I couldn't be certain since I haven't even so much as felt him around like I used too. I kind of missed it. The feeling that someone was hovering over your shoulder all day. It almost made me feel...well special.
It wasnt even like I could talk to Kurt about it, I had actually been avoiding him just like Daniel was avoiding me. It was just too awkward to see him after I came so close to kissing him, even if he would have never known it If I did. Kurt didnt seem too eager to talk to me either so I was sure the embarassment was mutual.
I couldn't really blame him though, I mean if I found out that some dead girl was using my body just to have a makout session with Kurt...Well I'd be pretty upset too.
I walked in quickly through the door, trying to be as quiet as I could. I never really was good at being stealthy and I prayed that today went as planned. I just wanted to get to my room and stay hidden all day until Kurt went to sleep.
I tiptoed around the corner to the hallway, cautiously passing by the living room where Kurt normally spent both his days and nights. Even as I was thinking of just escaping to the comfort of my room my mind was like a constant re-run of candid camera. I kept seeing what happened with me/Kurt/Daniel from a third person perspective. Each time I felt embarassed and on rare occasions; angry. Angry at what I had no idea.
My bedroom door was in full veiw, three feet away. I had made it. mission accomplished. I felt releif wash over me like someone was drenching me with it with some sort of fire hose. It was almost like a great accomplishment. 'I should get a gold medal... I thought to myself as I let out a sigh.
"Are you gonna talk to me now?"
Kurt. I felt my face pale and seriously considered running for it, the door was only a foot away now, I could easily pretend that I didn't hear him. As I took a step to escape the impending and dreaded conversation, Kurt reached out and wrapped his warm hands around my small wrist.
"Look I know you've been avoiding me. It's pretty obvious," He started saying but I could barely hear him as my heart was beating so loud in my ears I was certain I was going deaf, "and I can understand but I want you to know that you don't have to be embarassed."
I wanted to feel releif at those words, like I had felt earlier, but I felt like I was under some bright spot light. I looked up at him and he stared back expectantly, wating for me to respond to his words. I realized that he was braver than me just then. He had taken the first step forward, reached out when he was expected not too.
I wanted to say something, anything, but as I frantically searched for words I found none.
"Sorry." I said before I could even comprehend that I was speaking. Kurt let go of my wrist and then we were there again, the awkward silence.
Kurt sighed and shook his head, "This is ridiculous, Kid." He said looking like he had just run the quarter mile, "You know what we have to do now right?"
I back peddeled, what? "Pretend that it never happened...?" I replied but I knew it was impossible, trust me I had tried to forget about it for over a week.
Kurt shook his head, his face looking sad like we were about to part seperate ways for good. I had an instant of panic, is he going to kick me out?
"We have to hug." He interupted, sounding defeated, "It's the only way to reduce this awkward feeling."
I looked at him dubiously, was he serious? "You're joking right?"
He rolled his eyes at me and reached his hand out and wrapped it around the back of my head, forcing me toward him. I stumbled and fell face first into his chest. I breathed in, he smelled like cigarettes and soap.
"I hate you." I mumbled into his grey T-shirt, the b******.
He chuckled, unfazed by my words, "You're just mad that you didnt get to kiss these studly lips." I could hear him making crude kissing noises above my head.
I struggled out of his grasp and glared angrily up at him, "You're sick, Richards."
"Back at you, Hurst."