Staring at the Open Door

October 10, 2010
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Well, here I am again. While it seems to me that I spend most of my time sitting at this computer screen writing hopeless letters to my future self I'd like to think of it as keeping a record of how I am doing, just in case in the future someone does care. I guess that seems pretty ridiculous. I mean, I doubt anyone one will be sitting around asking, " I wonder how Lee was feeling twenty years ago right about now." Perhaps this is stupid, but I'm doing it, and arguing with myself over it won't make typing any easier. I guess I'd like to write about other people than I would about myself, because I don't think I'm that interesting as a whole, and well, this is my journal, so I can do what I want with it. Lily made lead role in her play. I can't remember what the play is called. She's been talking about it non stop and I guess I ought to have been listening, but I find it so boring that I zone out whenever she starts talking. I think she said her character was Ophelia, so that might mean Hamlet, but I'm not completely sure.
Jason made swim team again, which is good, I guess. He really isn't all that interested in it anymore but Dad wants him to stick to it. Once Jason announced his re entry confirmation or whatever, Dad turned to me and asked if I was going to be doing anything with my life anytime soon.
Well, I guess I should have taken that as an insult, but I didn't. Dad had been insistant that we all started some extra curricular activities. I think it was more of a, "I want the kids out of the house" thing than a "I want the kids to enjoy some new experiences" thing.
Realistically I think my Dad just wants to get our minds off of mom as soon as he possibly can. I get that he doesn't want to think of her, but I do. I want to remember my mother as she was before the car accident.
After our talk as a family I sat down at my desk and I wrote out a list of things that I could possibly do with my life and most of them consisted of irresponsible nonesense, and a few of my most genius plans started to sound less and less doable as time went on. Eventually I got so frustrated that I turned you on and started writing.
One last thought before I go and turn you off, go downstairs, eat left over pot roast then go to sleep wishing that tomorrow won't come.
What if mom hadn't died? What if Dad and Mom and Lily and Jason and I were still all together and a big happy family? Would I still be frustrated with all these thoughts about what I'm going to do and who I'm going to be? I am the oldest. I do have more responsibility to "make" it than my siblings have. I have alot more to think about and worry about than I did five months ago. Why is life so harsh?





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