ACT 1
SCENE 1
(The setting is a sitting room, in a two story house. We open on an empty stage with no lights on. There is a front door towards USL, with stairs descending from the threshold.)
Mary: (on cell, with brown paper bags in both arms, holding cell with shoulder, and shuts door behind her with her foot kicked behind her) Julie, I can’t take care of that right now, I have to make dinner. Bill and I are having a reunion with the kids. They’ve been away for college, and their all coming home tonight. So, just tell the press agent that the press release is going to have to wait. Bye, bye.
Bill: Hey there honey. I just got back from my jog. I’ll get a quick shower and I’ll help you with dinner okay?
Mary: Yes, Bill. That’s fine. Just let me struggle with these sacks, you know. I can handle it.
Bill: (short pause) Okay then! Bye!
Mary: Bill, get your butt back here. I’m not in the mood.
Bill: You haven’t been in the mood in 10 years. What a surprise.
Mary: oh bill, stop it. The kids are coming soon.
Bill: they’re all grown up now; I think they’ve heard the word sex before.
Mary: that’s not the point. Would you want your parents talking about that while you’re trying to have a dinner with your family?
Bill: My parents are dead.
Mary: Oh, bill I’m sorry. I forgot that. Geez, if I only had a brain
Bill: I wouldn’t have married you.
Mary: (annoyed) Go take your shower.
Bill: I’ll be done shortly.
Mary: I left your sweater suit on the door of the closet.
Bill: It’s Miami in June. Why would I want to wear a sweater?
Mary: Good point. Well, pick something descent to wear would you?
Bill: Oh I know. I’ve only been dressing myself for the last 40 years. Who knows what I’ll do without you laying my clothes out for me.
Mary: Okay, you’ve made your point.
Bill: I know.
Mary: Look, if you’re going to be down here, would you help me unload?
Bill: Well, I’ve only been trying for the past ten years.
Mary: Oh Shut Up.
(Doorbell rings)
Mary: Oh no, that can’t be the kids can it? I don’t even have supper started.
Bill: I’ll get it.
Carol: (entering) Okay, Mary. It’s time for you to stop doing everything and get Bi… Oh, it’s you.
Bill: (fake enthusiasm) Hello, Carol. It’s a pleasure to see you.
Carol: Yeah, well. I wish that I could say the same.
Mary: Oh good, she’s here. Thank you for coming Carol.
Carol: Well, I had nothing else to do, and I saw you holding those brown bags. And I knew that the moron wasn’t going to help.
Mary: Boy, you’re a real ray of sunshine you know that?
Carol: Well, when you’ve been without the company of a man for as long as I have, you get a little bitter.
Bill: (sidebar to himself that Mary heard) Well maybe if you weren’t so self absorbed.
Mary: Bill, those who live in glass houses
Carol: Should always shut the curtains in the bedroom.
Mary: (laughing) Come on, Carol. You can help me cook dinner for the family tonight.
Carol: Ooo, the kids are coming? I haven’t seen them in a while.
Mary: Well, good. You can stay for dinner.
Carol: Now, I don’t want to impose.
Mary: No, I insist. It’s the least I can do for you helping me cook dinner.
Carol: Well, if you insist.
(Bill exits SL)
(Carol and Mary exit SR)

SCENE 2
Carol: Well, I think I’m going to run back home and prepare for tonight.
Mary: Oh, do you have a hot date tonight?
Carol: No, but he does! (She laughs)
Mary: Well, if your date is finished early tonight, we’d love to have you stop by.
(Bill enters, SL, in a shirt and tie)
Bill: Speak for yourself Mary.
Carol: Mary, it’d be my pleasure. Bill, go to h***.
Bill: Can I borrow your map?
Carol: (little laugh) Bill, I’ve got a fake laugh with your name written all over it.
(Carol leaves)
Mary: Bill, help me set the table, would you please.
Bill: Sure.
Mary: I’m just so happy that the kids will finally be home. Gosh it’s been so long.
Bill: It really has. I just hope they don’t spring something on us.
Mary: bill, they’ve only been gone for three months; there can’t possibly be that much going on. Well, except for one.
Bill: What thing?
Mary: Well, I’m afraid to tell you.
Bill: why?
Mary: Okay, Sarah’s coming with her new boyfriend.
Bill: (drops a plate on the table) (odd high pitched voice) Oh! Boyfriend.
Mary: now honey calm down. I don’t think that it’s even that serious anyway. They’ve only been living together for
Bill: LIVING TOGETHER!!!
Mary: Cr*p I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.
Bill: Oh, so now she’s keeping secrets from me.
Mary: Well, I just found out this morning. So, she can’t be holding much else back.
(Lights go out)
(Spotlight on Sarah and Jeff, more towards DS)
Sarah: Okay, now my mom knows that we’ve been living together, but my dad doesn’t know that yet. I think it’s best that we wait to tell him. Here, take this.
Jeff: Wait, why are you giving the ring back to me?
Sarah: Well, I just didn’t want to spring too much on them at once. And besides, it’s not like they have to know immediately. Plus you haven’t even met my father yet.
Jeff: Oh good, every fiancé’s dream!
Sarah: Good, now before we go in, do not say a word about the other thing, is that clear?
Jeff: If we’re not telling them about the engagement, why on earth would we tell them that I got you pregnant?
Sarah: Because things slip out.
Jeff: Yeah, I know. Hence, the pregnancy.
Sarah: That’s the kind of stuff that needs to be out of your system when we go in there.
Jeff: Yes, dear. As you wish, your highness.
Sarah: I’ll get you for that. Keep it up, and you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Jeff: Hey wait, I have an idea. What if I could propose to you tonight? I mean I know that we’ve already done that part, and the part after that, but what if we made it an official engagement?
Sarah: Oh my gosh, you have brains? It’s a miracle!
(Back inside house)
Mary: Okay, Bill can you help me put the food on the table. That way it’ll be ready when they get here.
(Doorbell rings)
Sarah: Mom, I’m here.
Mary: (running to door) I’m coming. (Opens door)
Sarah: MOM!
Mary: Sarah, oh honey!
(the two share a hug, as if they’ve been apart for so long)
Jeff: (clearing his throat) eh-hem!
Sarah: Oh, Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Jeff.
Jeff: it’s a pleasure to meet the both of you, Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.
Mary: Well, hello there Jeff. Please call me Mary. This is my husband bill.
Jeff: Hello, Mr. Stephens, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Bill: Hello Jeff, you can call me Mr. Stephens. And I wish the feeling was mutual. (Shakes Jeff hand and squeezes, causing Jeff to slide to the floor)
(Bill goes to sit in the couch)
Mary: Jeff, you can sit down if you would like. (directs to the couch)
Jeff: Thank you Mrs. Stephens, oh I mean Mary.
(Jeff goes to sit down beside bill, and then scoots down a seat.)
(Bill smiles)
Mary: So, Jeff. What are you studying at college?
Jeff: Well, my current major is for Pediatrician, but I’m considering changing it.
Sarah: And, I’ve tried to tell you that you shouldn’t change it. Do you realize how much they make these days?
Bill: Yes, Jeff. Sarah is right. I mean if you have any dreams of marrying my daughter… (Sarah and Jeff share a brief awkward stare)… the least you could do is provide for her.
Sarah: Come on Dad. Stop it.
Mary: Oh, Bill. Leave him alone. He’s only been here for five minutes. He doesn’t need you jumping down his throat.
Jeff: It’s alright. I would be doing the same thing if I had a daughter as hot as Sarah.
(Bill glares at Jeff)
Sarah: JEFF!
Mary: (nervous laughter) uh, Sarah can you come with me to the kitchen Please. NOW!
(Sarah runs.)
(Lights off on the L. R.) (spotlight on Mary and Sarah)
Mary: Okay, Sarah. What’s going on?
Sarah: Why would you think anything is going on?
Mary: What do you think I’m blind?
Sarah: Cr*p!
Mary: come on spit it out.
Sarah: Okay, I think Jeff is going to propose to me tonight.
Mary: (screaming in excitement) WHAT!!!
Sarah: but that’s not all.
Mary: What else could possibly be more exciting than this?!?!
Sarah: Mom, you may want to sit down for this.
Mary: Oh god, you’re a lesbian and your breaking up with him tonight.
Sarah: No, no, no! Okay, I’m not gonna even try to hide it, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Just straight out.
Mary: Oh just spit it out!
Sarah: I’m pregnant!
Mary: (has a blank look on her face that doesn’t go away)
Sarah: Mom? Mom? Hello? Mom!
Mary: Maybe if I just sit here it won’t be true.
Sarah: I’m sorry mom but it is. That’s why we’re getting married.
Mary: I see. And what are we going to do about your father. I suppose you would like to tell him?
Sarah: Well, that’s what I was kind of hoping you could do.
Mary: You want ME to tell your father that he is going to be a grandpa?
Sarah: Well, Glad we had this talk! (starts to leave)
Mary: Sarah, get back here.
Sarah: (quietly) CR*P!!!
Mary: I’m not going to do it for you. That’s something that you should tell him yourself.
Sarah: Good Idea! How about via email? Cell phone? Mail? I’m really not partial.
Mary: Sarah!
Sarah: All right, all right. Say it don’t spray it! Saliva Plath!
Mary: Come on honey, let’s get back out there before there is a battle of wits between the three of them. Between your father and your brother, there’s barely enough to make one wit, much less a whole battles worth.
Sarah: Good Idea.


SCENE 3
(dinner has been eaten, dishes have been cleared.)
Sarah: Where’s Billy? He never misses a meal. Which is fitting because he is the big brother.
Mary: Oh he should be here shortly; he said he might be a little late.
Sarah: Figures. That’s my ever so reliable brother for you.
Mary: Ain’t that the truth. You can always count on Billy for two things, being the last one to arrive…
Sarah: And the first one to leave.
(Door opens)
Billy: Well, I wouldn’t say the first one.
Mary: Oh Billy you made it!
Billy: hey mom. Sarah, hey goof.
Bill: How you doing’ son?
Billy: Oh good I suppose.
Mary: Billy I’d like you to meet Jeff. He’s dating Sarah.
Billy: Jeff, nice to meet you.
(shakes Jeff’s sore hand, squeezes it making Jeff fall again)
Sarah: Stop it Billy!
Billy: what, it’s my job as the big brother to torture the boyfriend of the little sister.
Mary: come on Billy. Your father has done quite enough already.
Bill: What I was just being friendly.
Jeff: Really? I thought it was more like an interrogation to me?
(Sarah nudges Jeff)
Bill: Eh, you’ll get over it.
Billy: If you survive tonight. (mimics evil laughter)
Sarah: Jeff, I’m so sorry about this. I completely understand if you’ll hate me when we get home.
Jeff: I won’t hate you; I’ll be in too much pain to hate you.
Bill: You see that Mary, he can’t even handle a gentle hand shake. How in the heck do you think he could stick up for you? Or provide for you?
Sarah: Dad!
Jeff: It’s alright Sarah, I completely understand where your father’s coming from on this. Mr. Stephens, I can promise you that Sarah will never want for anything while I’m around. She will have anything that she asks for.
Sarah: No, Jeff that’s not the point! Dad, Billy, can I see you both in the kitchen, PLEASE!
Mary: Sarah, take it easy, you know how you get when you get upset.
Sarah: I’m not upset, why on earth would you think that I’m upset, just because my knuckles turning red?
Mary: And your face. And your arms.
Sarah: Alright mother, I get it. I look like a freaking Indian when I’m angry. Big whoop!
Bill: now Sarah, would you just calm down please. We have company.
Sarah: You know what Dad? I won’t calm down. You do this every time that I’ve ever had a boyfriend or a significant relationship. You even acted like this if I had a freaking lab partner. I’m tired of it!
Mary: Sarah, Please!
Bill: No, Mary it’s okay. I know what she’s meaning.
Sarah: No you don’t dad. You have no idea what it’s like to have a parent or father that never approves of anyone that you bring home to meet.
Bill: Sarah, I only do it because I want the best for you.
Sarah: Well, why can’t me being happy be what best for you?
Bill: You know you’re right. You make a valid point. Your happiness should have been my first concern. I’m so sorry.
Sarah: I know dad, I’m sorry too.
Bill: So, Jeff. What is your family background?
Jeff: Well, um, my dad passed away when I was 16, and my mom has been my best friend ever since I was younger.
Billy: I’m sorry about your dad.
Jeff: Oh it’s alright. I mean, we had our moments, but we weren’t that close. I was always screwing up, and he was always very strict and stern.
Bill: Well, I’m sure he was only trying to do what was best for you by making you tougher.
Sarah: His mother is so nice and sweet. I think that you both would love her as well.
Mary: Well, I’d love to meet her.
Sarah: Someday you will.
Jeff: Um, Mr. Stephens?
Bill: Yes, Jeff.
Jeff: Well, there is something that I have been wanting to ask you and now that there is a little time, can we speak in private?
Bill: Sure, let’s go into the kitchen.
Jeff: Sounds great.
Bill: We won’t be long.
(lights go out and the two are now on the apron)
Bill: Well, what can I do you for?
Jeff: Well, Mr. Stephens, I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand.
Bill: Why only her hand? Can you not handle the rest of her?
Jeff: No, no. I mean, I wanted to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Bill: Oh, well, there is just one thing that I want you to know.
Jeff: yes?
Bill: I just want her to be happy and if she is truly happy with you, then I have no objections.
Jeff: Oh thank you Mr. Stephens.
Bill: Wait if you’re going to be in the family, you can call me, Bill.
Jeff: Well, thank you.
Bill: Now, what do you see we go out there and make it official?
Jeff: Yes, let’s do that.
(they exit)
SCENE 4
Sarah: Mom, I just want you to know that I am truly happy with Jeff. He so sweet and kind.
Billy: But does he make you laugh?
Sarah: Oh, everyday. Sometimes, when we watch movies, he talks to them like he’s watching a soap opera.
Mary: Oh, young love. I remember when your father and I used to be young.
Billy: Mom, we’d like to still be living when the night is over.
(Mary glares at Billy)
(bill and Jeff enter)
Mary: Oh, the girls are back.
Sarah: Well, Dad. Did you enjoy your little girl talk session with him? Did you exchange make up tips?
Jeff: Sweetie, I didn’t know there were as many make up tips until I talked to your father.
Bill: Now, Jeff. Don’t get all cheeky with me. Or should I say, rosy cheeky.
Jeff: I think Billy’s the one who is Santa, not me.
Billy: Hey, I’m not fat… I’m pleasantly plump.
Bill: Yeah, if there were anything pleasant about you, maybe.
Billy: Hey, if you didn’t have a girlfriend for as long as I have, you’d be unpleasant too.
Jeff: Excuse me. If I could interrupt the roast fest, I’d like to say something. Sarah, you have been the most amazing woman that I’ve ever had in my life. You are the sweetest and kindest women that I’ve ever known, next to your mother of course.
Mary: (Blushing) Oh, stop it! (does hand flip)
Billy: Quit sucking up and get on with it!
Jeff: Okay, okay. And, Sarah. There is something that I have been wanting to ask you for some time now.
Sarah: Go on.
(He walks towards Sarah, and gets down on one knee.)
Jeff: I guess all I’m trying to ask is… would you spend the rest of your life with me?
Sarah: Oh, Jeff. There is absolutely no way that I could say no to that. (short pause) No.
Mary: What?!?!?!
Jeff: What?
Sarah: Well, I got to thinking and well there is something that I should tell you, Jeff. Billy!
(Billy walks over to Sarah)
Sarah: (into Billy’s ear) (whispering) Just play along.
Sarah: Billy is not really my brother.
Billy: I’m not.
Sarah: He’s my lover!
(Mary and bill get what she is doing, and try to hide their laughter from them, but the audience notices.)
Billy: I am!
Sarah: We’ve been dating since the week after you and I met. And I wanted him to come tonight so that I could tell you that him and I are the ones who are getting engaged.
Billy: We are?!
(Sarah hits Billy)
Billy: I mean we are!
Sarah: So, on that happy note, Billy come on let’s go elope.
Billy: Yes let’s.
Sarah: When I come back, I’ll be a married woman.
(Billy and Sarah exit out the door)
Bill: Well, Jeff there you have it. Now, I actually approve of that guy. That is a real man.
Mary: (still covering up the laughter) Oh bill stop it. Oh Jeff, you must be so (starts laughing) heartbroken. It must be agony.
Jeff: Yes, I can see how it’s so funny to you guys. My life is in the shambles because my one true love is marrying her used to be but isn’t really brother! HAHAHAHAHAHA funny!
Bill: Well, I guess now you don’t have to call me bill anymore. Back to Mr. Stephens.
(lights go out)
(come up on Billy and Sarah)
Sarah: thanks for playing along. I just thought this would be so hilarious
Billy: I have to admit it was pretty good. Gosh, I wish I would’ve stuck with acting school.
Sarah: Yeah well dreams die. See, I used to dream that you weren’t a girl. I guess dreams never really do come true after all. Come on let’s go back in there.
(lights go out)
(lights on in l.R.)
Mary: I’m sure that you’ll find someone. Not as good as my daughter but, you know.
(door opens)
Sarah: Jeff, I told you that I’d get you back someday!
Jeff: ahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Sarah: (laughs)
(the two kiss and embrace)
Jeff: So just so we’re clear?
Sarah: I said yes you bimbo!!
Jeff: Come here beautiful!
(the two embrace again)
Mary: Oh isn’t this just wonderful! This deserves the best wine we own.
Bill: I thought we were saving that for a special occasion.
Mary: Oh, bill. You stop it!
Bill: What? (smiling)
(Mary comes back with the wine)
Billy: I’d like to make a toast. To the bride and groom, may your lives be filled with happiness, and may you be together as long as mom and dad have.
Bill: And to my lovely daughter, I’m so glad that tonight was the night that I got to meet the man that makes you happy. Jeff, take care of my girl. I love her.
Jeff: I will! I promise.
Billy: That’s good because I have no problem going back to court. I’m on good terms with the judge now.
Jeff: Ha. That’s a good one. (leans to Sarah) Is that a joke?
Sarah: I wish it were.
(Duh duh duh duh! {horror movie chords}) (this happens the same time that Jeff turns to the audience with a shocked bug eyed face)
(lights off)
(curtains close)