How to Clear Your Windpipe

August 29, 2010
By theWood SILVER, Melba, Idaho
theWood SILVER, Melba, Idaho
5 articles 0 photos 0 comments

This is how to breathe easy. The first and most important step is to see what exactly is causing your breathing problem. Here are some common blockages you can expect to find: meat - can be a nasty clogger if forced down the wrong pipe; Legos - unforgiving brutes; love - will go more in depth on this one; stress - same as love; disease - stay away from me. In honor of upcoming Valentine's Day, this guide will focus more on love, but I'll give some quick help to those of you with meat, legos, or stress stuck in your throats. Have someone perform the Heimlich on you. Preferably someone of the opposite sex. If no one is around, it is possible to perform the Heimlich on yourself, but make CERTAIN there is no one around... you could mentally scar them for life, and you really don't want that on your conscience. Stress is a particularly tough one to get out, but if you keep on 'liching, it should be ejected eventually. If you have been Heimliching yourself for more than forty minutes, stop immediately and go see the nearest psychiatrist.
Don't get too confident, that was the easy scenario. If you have troubled breathing from something as complex as love, it is another matter entirely. But worry not, we will work through it together. After you have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that love has got you by the neck and is constricting your breathing, the next step is to determine the species. Love comes in many types, and I will cover how to deal with each of the most common types:
The Pale-blue Pixie of Interest: Also commonly referred to as "Crush", the PP is the most easily dealt with type of love. PP has a very loose grip on all throats, and usually is quite harmless. Typical symptoms include lightheadedness and uncommon stupidity. Oftentimes the PP will try to confuse its prey, and fool them into believing that it is actually a good thing. Do not fall for this. The thing has its hand around your most vulnerable part. Simply stroke the hands that loosely grip your neck, and eight out of ten times the Crush will slink away to find another unwary soul. If left untreated or under certain circumstances, the PP can evolve into something more sinister.
The Sickly-green Snake of Unhealthy Love: Also commonly referred to as "Relationship Gone Wrong", the Sick Snake is not to be trifled with. It is, however, to be truffled with; the only known cure is a chocolate truffle. Typical symptoms include a permanant scowl, mood swings, and hair growth on the heel of the foot. The SS is a pale Pixie with a partner. A bad partner. These two don't get along, and as a result, neither do you and your love. As painful as it may be, the relationship will never work, it is best just to feed the Snake a truffle and be on your way.
The Gravy-colored Gremlin of Adoration: Also commonly known as "Unrequited Love", the Gravy Gremlin is one of the nastiest varieties you can get, second only to its evolution. Typical symptoms include an odd sheen to the hair, a strange odor secreted every half-hour, and little to no eye contact. When the Pale Pixie gets lonely and has time to fester, it slowly evolves into Gravylicious beauty. GG has suction cups, not unlike octopi. Octopi are revolting. If GG gets you with its suckers, prying it off will be a very unpleasant experience, most often requiring a plunger and up to three pairs of lacy underwear, depending on the size and disposition of the Gremlin. Get the Gremlin off immediately. It is very dangerous and can evolve even further.
The Pitch-Black Pest of Lust and Desire: Also commonly known as "Rape", there is nothing worse than the Pest. Typical syptoms include a haggard appearance, fits of rage, and a disturbing way of looking at the opposite sex. Transforming from love to unhealthy desiring/lusting, it developed gnarly claws and beastly canines. Sinking its razor sharp appendages into you, it is next to impossible to remove, and has led many a good person down a dark and lonely path. It whispers terrible things in your ears, making you forget everything but your desires. If you have allowed things to progress this far, you really don't have any hope. Not only will your windpipe be crushed, but your head will eventually be severed.
The Multi-colored Monkey of Healthy Love: Also commonly referred to as "Bliss", the Monkey is the polar opposite of the Pest. Typical symptoms include a perpetual, ear-splitting grin, seeming lack of interest for all but a few (One) thing, and a distant look when their partner is not around. A virtuous and benevolent being, the MM is the only good thing that can come about from love. If you are lucky enough to get the monkey, (You aren't) here are some characteristics. Depending on the intensity of the relationship, the Monkey and its partner can shift colors, but they always coincide with each other. While at first it may feel somewhat like choking due to the light-headedness and irrational behavior, you will come to realize that it is, in fact, stroking. The Monkey wraps its warm, furry arms around your neck and caresses you. This is different from all the others in that you have a choice to make. Get rid of the monkey in case it devolves into a snake or keep it around, it is up to you. I cannot help you on this, as this is a guide on how to keep your throat clear, and the Monkey is not throttling you... (Get rid of it. Use an axe. Or a chainsaw.)
There you have it, the most common breath-constricting objects. I hope you have learned how to keep your throat clear of any obstructions through various methods. Good luck and breathe easy, sweet son/daughter.

The author's comments:
It's supposed to be funny. Get it?

Similar Articles


This article has 0 comments.


MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!