Will I?

July 31, 2010
Have you ever had the urge to do something_different? To step outside of boundries, whatever those boundries are? To kick aside the rule you are so used to following and take the plunge into a new point of view?
I ask myself these questions everynight and get the same answers.
Do I have the urge? Yes.
Do I want to step out of my boundries? Yes.
Kick aside the rules? Yes.
Take the plunge? Yes.
Will I? And that's where I always get stuck. On that same question at the end, will I?
Will I ever arrive late to class? Will I ever fail to turn in a homework assignment? Will I ever lie to anyone? Will I ever ditch school, say I'm going to the library and go to a party instead, drink, cheat, or run from the laws?
My mind whispers to me no. It says to me in the middle of my thoughts, "You will never do any of this. You're to afraid. You're to much of a goody-two shoes, teacher's pet, church girl."
It repeats those same words every night, a haunting chant.
My heart on the other hand practically breaks through my chest trying to grasp these opportunities?
Even if I did do something I wouldn't know what to do anyways. It all seems pointless.
I feel like I hear a soft chuckle coming from my mind. "I told you so," it seems to say.
A faint light glows from my bedside table and I hear a soft ding. The chuckling in my head stops. I reach for my phone and read the message.
Kristy: Party on the dock at midnight. Everyones going. You in???
I stare at my phones bright screen. My heart pounds at my chest, trying to break free and take the plunge at the chance it has always wanted. My mind is silent, knowing I won't do it.
I push the reply button. Am I in?
My hands shake as I type the one word.
Me: Yes.
My heart beats faster and faster and I faintly hear my mind whisper to me, "You won't send it."
My heart is stronger this time. It leaps out and pushes send.

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Stormythrone said...
Aug. 21, 2010 at 7:51 pm
I like this :) makes me wonder what will happen next. I'll check out the rest of your work 'cause I saw your post in forums. Every avalanch starts with a nudge. Keep writing!
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