I Am Gone

July 17, 2010
I lie in bed peacefully dreaming of lovely meadows and magnificent places. Then
that awful horrific sound pierces through my head, it shatters all the wonderful thoughts. The sound of blasting music, music that I love to listen to, just not when I am asleep. It’s that wretched alarm going off for the third time this morning! I hear my mom yelling for me to get up and can almost make out the sound of the blender making my breakfast. Slowly I pull my self out of bed and open my drawers to get ready, but to my astonishment I can’t pick up anything! Quickly I turn around to look at my self in the mirror but instead of seeing those big blue tired eyes stare back at me something much worse appears…NOTHING! When I dash downstairs to tell my mom I run right into her. Expecting a collision I duck, but instead I slide right through her. I start to holler, “What’s going on,” but realize that she can’t hear me! The thought hits my brain much too quickly for me to comprehend the cold truth…I am invisible!
Slowly and gradually the horrible truth sinks in, I do not exist to the human eye. I
say human like it’s an alien species. I’m still a human, aren’t I? I watch painfully as my family searches the house for me, they search everywhere, hoping that I left a trace. Was I kidnapped, did I runaway, or am I dead. Those are the questions they ask each other, the questions that no one can answer because none are true I’m here! If I could only make them realize maybe if I scream just a little louder or run at them just a little faster, maybe then they could see. My voice is just a helpless cry muffled and distorted by the swirling air, I wish they would listen maybe they could hear the silent whisper in the wind. It’s hopeless I can’t be heard, seen, or felt. I am a little piece of their lives taken away, or am I? Is their really no cure, no way out of this invisibility? Surely there is, I mustn’t give up so quickly.
I have to get out of here! I have to find somewhere to think! I start to run as fast as
I can, my mind doesn’t think about where I’m going my legs just carry me to…to where? I’m headed strait for the dark dense forest! The kinds of forests that you hear stories about, the ones with trees that you feel hide secrets in their roots. I don’t care I run faster, I have to keep moving! My muscles ache for rest but my head longs for speed! Finally I come to a clearing, a place where the sun beets down on the damp green grass. I stayed there for what seemed a long while, but finally came to the conclusion that I must go back. Even if I am unseen maybe in my own way I can find a way to help, to be the lookout. I was a girl, a daughter, a sister, and a friend, but now I am only a piece of blue sky that is gone, a memory lost. I am…dead.

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This article has 13 comments. Post your own now!

Imaginedangerous This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Sorry, but it's a little confusing on her actual condition- she can feel pain but can't touch anything? Is it impossible to speak or is it that they just can't hear her? Does she still have a body or is she just disembodied thought?
WriterGirl33 replied...
Jul. 27, 2010 at 10:10 am
she is a ghost, people cant hear her.
sleeplessdreamer said...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Ok, so I'm super honest with my opinions and coincidentally (since I'm a writer) I am not very good at tactfully saying my opinion. So, I must first and foremost say that this is a wonderful IDEA for a story. And I loved the ending. I didn't see it coming at all.

BUT the punctuation needed some serious work. I got lost in the words sometimes because there was nothing there to seperate them.

Also, (and if anyone disagrees please tell me) but when a narration uses more than o... (more »)

WriterGirl33 replied...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 2:52 pm
thanks for the opinion and I know the grammar was off, I typed it up really fast because it was handwritten originally
midnightlove7 said...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 11:01 pm
I liked it, very good plot and good detail i cant wait for you to write more things your very good. could you please check my stories out too and comment?
lusis said...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Ooh this reminded me of Things Not Seen by Andrew Clements. I agree that this has so much potential, and the ending was unexpected for me too. I think it'd be cool if you explored more of the ghost sensation among the living and how she interacts with her family.
CloudWanderer said...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 1:07 pm
This has very serious potential. I love the plot, and the ending! If you were planning to write more on this, that's a great cliffhanger. You just had some grammatical errors and a few run-on sentences. And it was a little spacey, lacking emotion. But otherwise, awesome job. Keep practicing! (And check out my article plz: Secrets of the Night)
WriterGirl33 replied...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 4:38 pm
oh ill have to work on the errors then
DifferentTeen said...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 7:10 am
It was really good but I was kind of getting restless. Maybe I little too much detail when not needed, in some parts it was just 'run-on' to me. But other then that it was excellent, I thought maybe you'd make it seem that she was just ignored and alone but she was dead, I loved the fact that my prediction was wrong. I hate when I can predict the ending :D
cantfindascreename said...
Jul. 22, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Not quite the ending I was expecting actually haha.  But yeah, I thought it was good, I would just say to try and go for some deeper emotion, it was a bit surface deep maybe.  Now if you are trying to make a statement with a lack of emotion since she is dead(and do you mean that literally?) then I would say make it have like no emotion at all. Either way would add just that much more to the story, right now it's kind of dangling in limbo emotion wise.  I liked it though most ... (more »)
WriterGirl33 replied...
Jul. 23, 2010 at 12:52 am
haha yeah i mean it literal, kinda (im not sure wat i mean, i just wrote) lol and thanks ill try that next time
Whylime replied...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 8:20 am
it is a bit run on but only because she is panicing.. some phrases seemed childish to me, like, dark, dense, woods.... overall great plot, great idea, and great writer! :D
Whylime replied...
Jul. 24, 2010 at 8:21 am
oops i did a reply instead of a new comment.. haha i do that every time!
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