I Am Gone

July 17, 2010
By WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.


I lie in bed peacefully dreaming of lovely meadows and magnificent places. Then
that awful horrific sound pierces through my head, it shatters all the wonderful thoughts. The sound of blasting music, music that I love to listen to, just not when I am asleep. It’s that wretched alarm going off for the third time this morning! I hear my mom yelling for me to get up and can almost make out the sound of the blender making my breakfast. Slowly I pull my self out of bed and open my drawers to get ready, but to my astonishment I can’t pick up anything! Quickly I turn around to look at my self in the mirror but instead of seeing those big blue tired eyes stare back at me something much worse appears…NOTHING! When I dash downstairs to tell my mom I run right into her. Expecting a collision I duck, but instead I slide right through her. I start to holler, “What’s going on,” but realize that she can’t hear me! The thought hits my brain much too quickly for me to comprehend the cold truth…I am invisible!
Slowly and gradually the horrible truth sinks in, I do not exist to the human eye. I
say human like it’s an alien species. I’m still a human, aren’t I? I watch painfully as my family searches the house for me, they search everywhere, hoping that I left a trace. Was I kidnapped, did I runaway, or am I dead. Those are the questions they ask each other, the questions that no one can answer because none are true I’m here! If I could only make them realize maybe if I scream just a little louder or run at them just a little faster, maybe then they could see. My voice is just a helpless cry muffled and distorted by the swirling air, I wish they would listen maybe they could hear the silent whisper in the wind. It’s hopeless I can’t be heard, seen, or felt. I am a little piece of their lives taken away, or am I? Is their really no cure, no way out of this invisibility? Surely there is, I mustn’t give up so quickly.
I have to get out of here! I have to find somewhere to think! I start to run as fast as
I can, my mind doesn’t think about where I’m going my legs just carry me to…to where? I’m headed strait for the dark dense forest! The kinds of forests that you hear stories about, the ones with trees that you feel hide secrets in their roots. I don’t care I run faster, I have to keep moving! My muscles ache for rest but my head longs for speed! Finally I come to a clearing, a place where the sun beets down on the damp green grass. I stayed there for what seemed a long while, but finally came to the conclusion that I must go back. Even if I am unseen maybe in my own way I can find a way to help, to be the lookout. I was a girl, a daughter, a sister, and a friend, but now I am only a piece of blue sky that is gone, a memory lost. I am…dead.



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This article has 13 comments.


on Jul. 27 2010 at 10:10 am
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

she is a ghost, people cant hear her.

on Jul. 24 2010 at 7:49 pm
Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
31 articles 0 photos 404 comments
Sorry, but it's a little confusing on her actual condition- she can feel pain but can't touch anything? Is it impossible to speak or is it that they just can't hear her? Does she still have a body or is she just disembodied thought?

on Jul. 24 2010 at 2:52 pm
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

thanks for the opinion and I know the grammar was off, I typed it up really fast because it was handwritten originally

on Jul. 24 2010 at 2:11 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

Ok, so I'm super honest with my opinions and coincidentally (since I'm a writer) I am not very good at tactfully saying my opinion. So, I must first and foremost say that this is a wonderful IDEA for a story. And I loved the ending. I didn't see it coming at all.

BUT the punctuation needed some serious work. I got lost in the words sometimes because there was nothing there to seperate them.

Also, (and if anyone disagrees please tell me) but when a narration uses more than one exclamation point, it really gets under my skin. It's kind of like laughing at your own writing. It cheapens your work. (There is the exception to dialogue.)

I think you used to much of the story with the character just spitting out the random thoughts in her head. If the story had been longer this would not have been a problem, but seeing the length, it took up three-fourths. I know that she was panicking but when you're writing- although your character very well may be scatterbrained- you have to find a way to organize her ramblings and make them almost poetic so the reader doesn't get lost.

Really, I love the idea for this. And I know I gave a lot of critique but I wouldn't have given all of that if I really didn't see the potential of this piece.


Whylime said...
on Jul. 24 2010 at 8:21 am
Whylime, Brentwood, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 157 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grief is the price we pay for love -- Queen Elizabeth ll
Don't go there, I'll only follow -- ???
Why is a raven like a writing desk? -- The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland
Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most -- Willy W.

oops i did a reply instead of a new comment.. haha i do that every time!

Whylime said...
on Jul. 24 2010 at 8:20 am
Whylime, Brentwood, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 157 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grief is the price we pay for love -- Queen Elizabeth ll
Don't go there, I'll only follow -- ???
Why is a raven like a writing desk? -- The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland
Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most -- Willy W.

it is a bit run on but only because she is panicing.. some phrases seemed childish to me, like, dark, dense, woods.... overall great plot, great idea, and great writer! :D

on Jul. 23 2010 at 11:01 pm
Mariah_0.0 SILVER, Peyton, Colorado
6 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you want to see in the world

I liked it, very good plot and good detail i cant wait for you to write more things your very good. could you please check my stories out too and comment?

on Jul. 23 2010 at 4:38 pm
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

oh ill have to work on the errors then

lusis BRONZE said...
on Jul. 23 2010 at 2:51 pm
lusis BRONZE, San Jose, California
3 articles 0 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is the novelist's innate cowardice that makes him depute to imaginary personalities the sins that he is too cautious to commit for himself." Anthony Burgess

Ooh this reminded me of Things Not Seen by Andrew Clements. I agree that this has so much potential, and the ending was unexpected for me too. I think it'd be cool if you explored more of the ghost sensation among the living and how she interacts with her family.

on Jul. 23 2010 at 1:07 pm
CloudWanderer BRONZE, Wheelersburg, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 55 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing."

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of your true love. If you must steal, steal from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. If you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away."

This has very serious potential. I love the plot, and the ending! If you were planning to write more on this, that's a great cliffhanger. You just had some grammatical errors and a few run-on sentences. And it was a little spacey, lacking emotion. But otherwise, awesome job. Keep practicing! (And check out my article plz: Secrets of the Night)

on Jul. 23 2010 at 7:10 am
DifferentTeen PLATINUM, Seaford, Delaware
32 articles 2 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There’s no such thing as true love, just spurts of insanity—falling over and over again, thinking that won’t happen to me"

It was really good but I was kind of getting restless. Maybe I little too much detail when not needed, in some parts it was just 'run-on' to me. But other then that it was excellent, I thought maybe you'd make it seem that she was just ignored and alone but she was dead, I loved the fact that my prediction was wrong. I hate when I can predict the ending :D

on Jul. 23 2010 at 12:52 am
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

haha yeah i mean it literal, kinda (im not sure wat i mean, i just wrote) lol and thanks ill try that next time

on Jul. 22 2010 at 10:22 pm
cantfindascreename BRONZE, Chino Hills, California
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others"

Not quite the ending I was expecting actually haha.  But yeah, I thought it was good, I would just say to try and go for some deeper emotion, it was a bit surface deep maybe.  Now if you are trying to make a statement with a lack of emotion since she is dead(and do you mean that literally?) then I would say make it have like no emotion at all. Either way would add just that much more to the story, right now it's kind of dangling in limbo emotion wise.  I liked it though most definitley!




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