Letter To A Fledgling Seventh Grader.

To my dear unfortunate novice:

My somewhat unique choice of adjectives is chosen because truly, Life has dealt you an extremely unlucky hand. Except Life doesn't control everything, does it? You are-- and most likely will-- be caged in by your own oblivious actions [no, thoughts, really] and I can't do anything about it. So good for you-- consider yourself honored.

The initial purpose of this letter is to prepare you for yet another burdening yet revealing year of school and lycanthropes. I'll do my best... well, try. I warn you now: my advice specializes in immaturity and fighting off mystical forces only... I'm not sure what use the following will contain for you. Yes, it most certainly will be useful, but now? I can't say for certain.

Bit of Advice Number One: "Be Prepared." This is the Boy [or Girl] Scout motto, and it does indeed hold a certain kind of truth in it. Potential carnivorous giraffe attacks are regular, so always bring a tennis racket. Vampires are a big threat, so bring garlic, holy water and a silver stake to arm yourself. Dragons are even more threatening, but if you're calm, they won't bite-- only singe. For them, you only need a hearty pinch of common sense and a sturdy fire extinguisher.

Bit of Advice Number Two: Go Zen. Chances are, you can't control the future-- or anything, really-- so if the substitute teacher is doing something contrary to before, just let it go. You guys make much too much of a fuss, so please-- just. Let. It. Go. It most certainly won't do any harm. And if you're about to get very mad and start yelling, start singing quietly to yourself instead, and imagine that everyone's words are actually feathers, and watch them blow away in the wind. This also works if you're being harshly chastised by a yelling teacher.

Bit of Advice Number Three: Be Creative. If you're one for standing out, try to twist your teacher's words in anyway possible. Trust me, it'll be super cool. And if you want to stay invisible, just go with the flow.

Bit of Advice Number Four: Earn Everyone's Respect. This way, no one will suspect sweet little you when you play dirty tricks. [Don't push it, though.]

Bit of Advice Number Five: Always Second Guess. You never know anything for sure... and never make promises. Scientifically, they're next to impossible. Sometimes you even learn more this way.

Bit of Advice Number Six: Read the Dictionary [among other books]. This, above all, is an extremely interesting pastime and it definitely makes you smart.

Bit of Advice Number Seven: When in Times of Assignments... When you write an assignment that's supposed to be only a page long, instead of summing up your thoughts on the back, just write them vertically in the margins. If you're reading in front of the class, it attracts the strangest looks from students and teachers alike.

Bit of Advice Number Eight: Regarding Cheating. If you're going to cheat, at least cheat well, please. Such as going to the bathroom or a study hall... not in class! That's just stupid.

Bit of Advice Number Nine: Don't Underestimate The Teachers. That's also very stupid-- they didn't get through elementary, middle, and high school and college for nothing. They will know when you are cheating or doing something else suspicious.

Bit of Advice Number Ten: Don't Be Cocky. In other words, you don't do any definite-- there's always an exception, and maybe you can't really do it. Or maybe you can't do it all of the time.

Bit of Advice Number Eleven: Associate Yourself Very Closely with Everything Strange. Then you'll know all of the ways to defend yourself from the daily evil squirrel attacks.







Yours in profoundest grief,








Your unfortunate mentor.
Post Script:

I suffer from Acute Langeweile. It's a very serious-- and lethal-- mental disease that I was diagnosed with when I was nine. But to keep symptoms [and daemons] at stake, Skittles and Matchbox cars are extremely reliable.





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