Wikinators

June 12, 2010
“Meeting called to order,” said Harold. He looked at his fellow Wikinators – Liz, Dexter, Ron, and Annie. They were sitting at a round table in Harold’s apartment, each with a laptop ready to edit Wikipedia.

“Liz, please read us the agenda for today,” said Harold. Liz was the group’s secretary. She prepared the agenda and kept records of everything the Wikinators did.

“This week we will discuss ways to prevent other people from editing what we fix and discuss the response we received from the founders of Wikipedia concerning our letter to them about us becoming CEO’s.”

“Ah. Let’s start with the letter, shall we?” said Harold, pulling a piece of paper out of his coat pocket. “Read it for us please.” He handed the large-print letter to Liz.

Liz cleared her throat.
“Dear Wikinators. Get a life and stop bugging us with your crazed masterminded schemes to take over Wikipedia. I highly suggest you hire yourselves a therapist, get a social life, and a real job. Your obsession is rather frightening and stalker-like, and we will file a lawsuit and get a restraining order if you don’t stop. Happy Holidays!
-
Jimmy Wales and Larry Sange, Founders of Wikipedia”
The room was silent. Dexter started crying hysterically and began banging his head off the table. “I don’t need a therapist!” he screamed wildly.
“Dex, calm down!” screamed Annie, tears streaming down her face as well. “They didn’t mean it…they didn’t mean it!”
“Order! Order!” exclaimed Harold. “Everyone just be quiet for a second. We need to handle this as calmly as possible. Liz, tell us some of the ways we planned last week to keep people from editing our fixes.”
“Um…actually, Harold, if you looked at the news this morning you’d have noticed Wikipedia is changing some of its website features. One of which is a lock on pages only members of the staff can edit. They held a conference stating it was due to a high percentage of vandalism and false information due to a certain group called the Wikinators.”
“WHAT!?” screamed Harold. He grabbed Liz’s notebook and tried to rip it in half but his puny arms only succeeded in ripping out one page.
“No! They can’t lock the pages! This is my job! How will I get paid!” shouted Ron.
“Ron, you don’t get paid,” said Liz.
“Shut up, I didn’t ask you!” cried Ron, then curled up on the floor.
“Annie, Dexter, go and surf through our Wikipedia pages we edited yesterday and see if they’re locked,” commanded Harold. Annie and Dexter were the wiki surfers of the group, browsing millions of pages in different languages looking for false information. Harold and Ron were the ones who fixed the false information after it was found.
Annie managed to open Wikipedia and started looking. Dexter was still banging his head against the table.
“Dex, you’re going to get a concussion,” said Liz.
“Too late,” said Ron from the floor, watching as Dexter sunk to the ground. Drool trickled from his mouth and Liz vomited all over him in disgust.
“They’re all locked! Every single one!” screamed Annie. She started to rip out some of her hair, flinging it all over the room.
“No…” whispered Ron. “No!” He lifted himself off the floor and jumped out the window, falling three stories.
“Oh my god!” yelled Harold, looking out of his broken window. Ron was running down the street, unscathed.
“Ron! Where are you going?” called Harold.
“To find myself a therapist and a piece of pumpkin cheesecake!” screamed Ron, laughing maniacally. He disappeared into the winter sunset.
“I guess he never did get over his pumpkin cheesecake obsession,” commented Annie from the table.
“I just can’t believe he went out into all that snow. Anyways, I’m going out with my boyfriend. See you later guys!” said Liz, opening the door.
“YOU have a boyfriend?” asked Annie in shock.
“Um…maybe…” replied Liz, and ran out of the building.
“You promised me you’d be my queen once we took over Wikipedia!” cried Harold, following Liz outside. “You promised!”
Annie watched them from the window. Liz had got into her SUV and was trying to run Harold over with it, screaming, “Well, we didn’t take over Wikipedia now did we?!”
She shut the blind, and turned towards the still unconscious Dexter. “Goodbye Dex,” she called softly, grabbing her laptop. “I guess the Wikinators are no more.” Annie opened the door, and ran straight into Harold.
“Harold? What are you doing back here?”
“This is my apartment!” he yelled. Annie noticed the tire marks on his face.
“Oh yeah…I forgot. Bye, Harold.”
~.~


Five months after the disastrous meeting, Harold felt a deep longing to call up his fellow Wikinators. He stepped over Dexter’s body, still in a coma, and grabbed his phone. He speed-dialed Liz, who called Annie, who called Ron, who called back Harold to say that he was bringing his new wife, Ms. Pumpkin.

“So,” said Annie, resting her glass on Dexter who was serving as a coffee table. “How did getting a life work out for you guys?”

“I haven’t left my apartment since the meeting,” stated Harold.

“Are you serious?” asked Liz.

“I don’t joke,” said Harold coolly.

“Then what have you been living off of?” asked Annie, puzzled.

“I have my ways,” said Harold, smiling.

“I don’t even want to know,” said Liz, shuttering. “What about Dexter?”

“Oh, I just left him there. He’s been doing fine – he never talks and has never clogged the toilet! He’s the dream roommate!” exclaimed Harold, eyes gleaming.

“Harold – you do know he’s in a coma, right?”

“What?”

“Shut up! I don’t want to talk about comas I want to talk about my wife!” interrupted Ron.

“Where is your wife?” asked Annie.

“In my pocket,” said Ron, pulling out a rancid, deformed piece of pumpkin cheesecake. “Meet Ms. Pumpkin!”

“Oh my god!” choked Liz, crawling away from Ron. “How old is that thing!”

“That is so rude! Never ask a woman her age! And for your information, we got married three months ago is Las Vegas.”

“Ron! Put her away!” screamed Harold, tears running down his face.

“Make it stop!” cried Annie, clawing at the door.

“Fine! Gosh, calm down. Go back to talking about comas. Ms. Pumpkin and I will go to the bathroom.” Ron took Ms. Pumpkin into the bathroom, slamming the door.

“I’m going to be Fabreezing this place for weeks!” muttered Harold.

“So Liz, how’s your boyfriend?” asked Annie.

“Oh,” said Liz, shifting her eyes. “We broke up like a week after I quit the Wikinators.”

“Really?!” exclaimed Harold, seeing his chance to get Liz back.


“Yea, but I dumped him though. He was so not my type.”

“What’s that noise?” asked Annie. Strange sounds were coming from the bathroom.

“Oh my god, sick!” said Harold. He got up and started banging his fists against the bathroom door. “Get out of there Ron!”

“Not until you apologize to Ms. Pumpkin!” yelled Ron.

“No! I am not apologizing to an inanimate object!”

“Apologize!”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“NO!”

The battle of YES’s versus NO’s continued for ten minutes before Annie interrupted. “Guys! Look!!” She was holding her laptop, and pointed to the screen. It was the Wikipedia page about Britney Spears.

“Oh my god! Her new album is coming out in two weeks!” exclaimed Liz, who started jumping up and down.

“No, not that! Look at the top! The lock button says the page is only semi-protected! That means we can find a way to edit it!” shrieked Annie.

“What?” said Ron, bursting out of the bathroom. Ms. Pumpkin was nowhere to be seen.

“WE CAN EDIT WIKIPEDIA AGAIN!” screamed Annie, who started jumping up and down with Liz.

“And Brit’s album comes out in two weeks!”

“WOO!” said the four Wikinators together.

Suddenly, Dexter moved, sending all of the mugs and plates crashing to the floor. “WE CAN EDIT WIKIPEDIA AGAIN!” he yelled, and started dancing.

“Oh my god, Dexter’s alive!” Harold exclaimed.

There was a chorus of delighted screams, and the five friends started dancing in a circle. The Wikinators were back.


Postscript:
The Britney Spears album did not come out in two weeks. Instead, it came out two months later. During that time, Liz went into a spiraling depression and ended up going to a therapist to help her through the rough time. Harold did leave his apartment after he found out he could edit Wikipedia again, and married Liz a few years later. Dexter, suffering from after-effects of the coma, attacked a cow and ended up going to jail. He later went to rehab to help stop his addiction of banging his head against tables. Annie took over Wikipedia after marrying Jimmy Wales, and continued to post lies on Britney Spears’ wiki page to mock Liz. Ron and Ms. Pumpkin remained married and lived happily ever after until the fumes from Ms. Pumpkin led to Ron’s tragic death at age 32. Ms. Pumpkin never recovered from the shock of his death and committed suicide a few years later by feeding herself to a hobo.

~In loving memory of Ron and Ms. Pumpkin~





Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

DancerBabe said...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 7:21 pm
That was sooooo funny! I loved the "Postscript"! That really brightened my day!
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:29 pm
Lol(I hardly ever type that, but thought this article merited the occasion).  This was absolutely hilarious.  Great job.  I wish I could be this funny.  Except for a few small things, I'm not very good at writing humorous pieces or even putting humor in my stories.  I wish I could have parts that would actually make people laugh, not just all this serious s***
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:39 pm
That's great for you and I hope you win.  I think I'm a little young, though...
 
jaredwriter19 replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:41 pm
You have to be in 7th grade, I think. It's for 7th-12th...if you want some info about it, let me know.
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Um, I just finished seventh, but I kinda...skipped a grade
 
jaredwriter19 replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Gratz on skipping then :) You're eligible thou - the new competition doesn't start until Oct. so remind me then lol
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:52 pm
Ok, sure.  Thanks:)Now I have to go before my parents start screeching at me-it's kinda late
 
jaredwriter19 replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Yeah, it is lol. Nite
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Good night
 
katie-cat said...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 11:55 am
I loved this one!  It's sooo funny!
 
jaredwriter19 replied...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 12:54 pm
lol I know, it's like my favorite cause everytime I read it I laugh
 
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