Advice to Procrastinating Geniuses

June 1, 2010
By Anonymous

To my fellow classmates,
Over the years I have become all too familiar with those of you who go through school doing little to no work, yet somehow pulling off a perfect 4.0 GPA, all while taking at least four AP classes. To those of you that fall into this category, I have a few things to say to you.
These past few years have been great. I would like to personally thank you for making my high school experience so wonderful. Not only have you been cruising through the years turning in the occasional homework assignment and only taking notes to humor the teacher, but you have also somehow managed to single-handedly destroy all my self-esteem and let me know that I will never measure up to you. You’ve done so much for me that I feel it is only fair that I give you this little letter highlighting all that you do to make me truly happy to be your classmate and show you how appreciative I am for all that you’ve done for me.
Like all AP students, you take school very seriously. Not only do you show the utmost respect for both your teachers and classmates by sleeping through the lecture, but you also enjoy making truly insightful and totally relevant comments about politics, the latest sci-fi movie, or anything else that shows just how similar you are to the average American teenager, while I furiously try to copy down every little thing the teacher says. Keep up the good work. Your ability to be so nonchalant and carefree makes me feel honored to be in your presence, as I should. I am also incredibly relieved that the teacher chooses to laugh along with you when you respond to one of their questions with something totally off-base, instead of scolding you like they would with someone who was actually paying attention. After all, why should you get punished for being so smart you don’t have to listen? I would like nothing more than for you to continue this behavior as it has been proven to make your less intelligent classmates feel much more confident in their abilities to understand whatever it is we are learning that day.
Another awe-inspiring thing you should keep doing is neglect to turn in almost all of your homework or if that makes you too uneasy you can just turn it in no less than a week late. This will make your classmates think you are just another slacker, but in reality you have an ulterior motive. Once they begin to get comfortable believing you’re just idly cruising through the year and they begin to let their guard down, which should be around the end of the semester, around the time when finals come up; that’s when you make your move. That’s the time when you should go all out and study like crazy. Since the average AP student thinks you are freeloading, they won’t expect you to do well on the final, and therefore might not study as hard as they should have. This is cue for you to set the curve for the final by getting 100% and miraculously pulling off an A in the class. In turn, this will both baffle everyone in your class and leave them wondering how on earth you pulled such a thing off.
Perhaps the biggest benefit of doing this will be the ridiculously sought after honor you will receive for doing so well in all of your difficult classes; the elusive class rank of number one. This will crush the dreams of those who sat next to you in those classes where you did absolutely nothing, while they toiled away, working like madmen trying to do half as well as you. While they did every single homework assignment and took every extra credit opportunity they could get to get a decent class rank, you just slept your way through class and still managed the much wanted number one class rank. Don’t let their bitterness bring you down! You obviously worked hard and are just reaping the benefits! Be proud of all your hard work!
It is obvious that your ability to cruise through the AP curriculum is something that should be praised and even envied, but never criticized. I can only hope that this letter captures my admiration for the way you do this and that you take into account the suggestions I have given you. Obviously you are doing quite well on your own, but coming from one AP student to another, I would like you to keep my advice in mind as I think it can only help you in your worthwhile crusade to destroy the dreams of your fellow classmates.

Thank you for all that you do!

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