Glorious Old Bastards

May 24, 2010
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The Cinco Amigos are the craziest old dudes the streets of Compton have ever seen. They are the toughest and meanest wheelchair gang that roams the streets. Tragically all of them were involved in an unfortunate rafting experience. The result was three deaths five paralyzed from the waist down and one unaccounted for. They go by the names of Stinky Steve, Denture Dave, Dastardly Dave, Double D and Dirty Dave. Their bad attitudes and their lack of respect towards their elders have given the Amigos a certain reputation that everyone respects. Nobody messes with the amigos, and I mean nobody.

One morning with the birds chirping and the gunshots echoing through the allies of the Compton city streets, the Cinco Amigos Prepared to embark on a journey that will change not only their lives but the lives of many others. It all started when a rat scampered across the amigos apartment. Urging Dirty Dave to utter the words of “I’m Hungry.” The other four were hungry as well, so they decide they would go get something to eat. After about an hour of arguing on what place they should go to, they came to the agreement that they would go Famous Dave’s a barbeque restaurant.

“Going to Dave’s is a great idea and all but, we have no money” Said Denture Dave. “Why don’t you just shut up you old bastard” Dastardly Dave yelled. “Wait Denture Dave makes a good point, we have no money” said Double D. Dastardly Dave asked “what do you think we should do about that Dave?” “Street performance” Stinky Steve said excitedly.

It was settled; the amigos decided that Dastardly Dave being the bad ass that he is should do back flips through rings of fire to raise money so they could get themselves to Famous Dave’s. The Dave’s set up and started to perform, after about twenty minutes of the performance with an audience of four people, Stinky Steve dropped a nickel and it rolled away. Not knowing Dastardly Dave was mid back flip, Steve chased after it. He was smashed instantly and tragically killed. Along with the crushing of Steve, the ring of fire was knocked over and it burned down a building nearby. A nice old woman, who was shaken up about the events that had unfolded, approached the Dave’s and offered them money. She wrote them a check for a thousand dollars. They were all so happy they just started doing wheelies in the street.

The boys still had one obstacle to tackle; that was transportation. Famous Dave’s was a good fifteen hours away from where they lived. They went to the nearest Enterprise Rent-a-car to rent a wheel chair accessible minivan. Once the van had been rented, the gang hit the road immediately. Flying down the open road with their heads hanging out the windows and their wrinkles flapping in the wind. Denture Dave was behind the wheel with Dirty Dave giving directions while Dastardly Dave was in the back throwing Scooby snacks at Double D. Dastardly Dave unknowingly tossed a Scooby snack which ricocheted and bounced up front and got stuck underneath the brake pedal of the van. The eight five miles an hour van was approaching some traffic ahead, Denture Dave tried to brake.

“AHHHH!” screaming the whole crew simultaneously.

All of them tried to hurl themselves out of the windows before crashing and dying from the impact. Denture Dave, Dirty Dave and Double D had successfully hurled themselves out the windows, but Dastardly Dave Couldn’t get his seatbelt undone. As a result of the van not being able to break it slammed into the traffic killing Dastardly Dave and causing a massive seventy two car pileup.

The three remaining amigos were just lying helplessly on the side of the road without their wheelchairs. Being paralyzed from the waist down gave them tremendous upper body strength, they decided that they wouldn’t give up and that they would continue their journey by crawling along the side of the road the rest of the way or at least until someone picks them up. After a few hours of cars passing by and tossing trash at them, they came across a raccoon. This raccoon was a strange raccoon. The amigos came to the conclusion that Dastardly Dave’s soul entered that raccoon to help them achieve their goal. Later on a kind stranger stopped and picked the boys up and dropped them off at a gas station so they could call for help.

When they arrived at the gas station, they realized that they had nobody to call since they were each other’s only friends. Luckily they met a trucker who was on his way to Famous Dave’s as well, and he was stopping at an electric wheelchair store to buy a new wheelchair for a relative. So the amigos had hit the road once again, this time with their creepy trucker friend Irvin. They had made it to the wheelchair store and all of them stole brand new wheelchairs. Ten more hours had passed before they finally reached their destination. The three amigos were overcome with joy; they had made it to Famous Dave’s BBQ.

The three amigos rolled up to the front doors of Famous Dave’s, as they were entering, their biggest rivals by the name of the Steinbauer Bros exited. The three amigos couldn’t believe it, but they had no choice but to start a gang fight. The Steinbauer Bros are notorious for their cool catch phrases and their crazy stunts. Their ring leader by the name of Ike just got released from the hospital for jumping of a church rooftop and scraping his face on the concrete.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” said Ike.

“Yo’ son do you want to start something, or what? Double D said confidently.

“You know I do” said Ike.

“Well then let’s go bitches!” Dirty Dave Shouted

The gang fight started, it was basically just the amigos circling the Steinbauer bros over and over again in their chairs. Finally Ike took Double D out of his wheelchair anf shoved him into a trashcan

“HEY!” Double D shouted from the trashcan

That sent Dirty Dave and Denture Dave over the edge; they started punching the bros in the shins, which dropped them to the ground where they could successfully punch them in the face. Once they had knocked out all the Steinbauer bros, they went inside to go enjoy some Famous Dave’s, leaving the bros outside unconscious

They sat down at the table and all ordered ribs. They ate those ribs extremely fast, and in no time there were three left, all of them reached for their last rib. While enjoying their final ribs, the Steinbauer Bros busted open the doors of the restaurant with guns in their hands. The three amigos were all so surprised that they started choking on the ribs, within a few moments all of them were lying dead on the table.

The cops arrived and arrested all the Steinbauer Bros for first degree murder. They all go the death sentence. After that, the streets of Compton were a lot safer now that the two craziest and scariest gangs were off the streets. The death and crime rate dropped dramatically. As sad as this is, some would say it’s for the better now that those glorious old bastards aren’t roaming the streets freely anymore. The moral of the story is don’t hangout with old men who are in gangs, and don’t get caught up in the rush of Famous Dave’s BBQ.

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