Lipofunction: The Fatty Fuel of the Future

If you have ever watched the news, you know that two of the most pressing problems of our era are obesity and the shortage of traditional fuel. As Americans grow fatter and fatter, they also become more dependent on electronics that create easy ways to have fun without shedding a single pound. Obesity and the fuel crisis have often been linked, because they are both results of the overuse of technological innovations, but what if they could instead be linked in a positive way, creating an unstoppable duo? What if there was a way to solve both the fat problem and the fuel crisis in one fatal swoop?
Waddling their way through history, millions of modern Americans are obese. Whenever you walk into a food court at any local mall, it is easy to see people sagging off their seats, and stuffing their faces full of greasy, slimy, fattening food. Being overweight is dangerous. Including diabetes, stroke, heart disease, lower back pain, and even death, the risks from obesity are quite severe. Although social ridicule is not as common of an effect as it once was because of the large percentage of the population now taking up two seats in an airplane, it is still a frequent problem today.
It has often been repeated that, “obesity is one of the top causes of preventable deaths nationwide and we should be able to fix it.” But how can we solve this mammoth problem? Some obsess about how the answer simply lies in eating lighter, more balanced meals, but what can we cut back on? Big Macs 540 calories; Large French Fries 500 calories; 12 oz chocolate shake 440 calories; total 1490 calories; a light meal. Even the idea of eating less than that makes me feel famished! Doctors declare that 2,000 calories a day is what the average person needs to maintain a healthy weight. 2,000 calories!! That is ONLY two Burger King Steakhouse Burgers, four Dunkin' Donuts Reduced-Fat Blueberry Muffins, OR 28 pounds of romaine lettuce. Obviously, this is nowhere near what one needs to get though the average day.
Another ridiculous suggestion is exercising. Heaven forbid that we were forced to raise a finger in order to shed those precious pounds. No one has time for that anymore. Today Americans are much too busy doing important stuff; racing Nascars, killing demons, (without even leaving the couch!!) watching others adventures on TV, and always searching for “the easy way out”. Obviously, there is time to waste exercising. Instead we must prepare for the next battle with the virtual dark side.
Many people have looked for alternative methods of weight loss such liposuction, but this is too expensive and time consuming.
What if weight loss could be free, effortless, and without changes to your diet or even leaving your favorite fast food restaurant? What more could an American want? Of course there are other necessities for a happy and successful life, including cars, rollercoaster’s, and TV’s…all of which are powered by fuel. Therefore it is imperative that we solve the other major modern American dilemma, the fuel crisis. Now we can do this with the help of our fatty friends.
Everywhere propaganda streaks about the terrors of the oil crisis. On the TV, radio, and even SNL individuals continuously complain about either fossil fuel or alternative methods for fuel production. The problem with fossil fuel is that our resources are limited and it will take millions of years to replenish the fossil fuel that we have already used. As you can see whenever you gingerly glance at the gas prices before pumping your tank, this makes fossil fuels extremely pricey. Unfortunately, without this fuel there is no vroom vrooming or zip zipping; Us Americans would have to make drastic changes to our lives if we ran out of fuel.
Many solutions to the energy crisis have been explored: Windmills would be fantastic at illuminating houselights, but there is not always wind; solar power would work except, how could power from the sun make light bulbs to glow in the dark; and coal causes greenhouse gas. Why try expensive new methods of fuel when there are better ways to makes gears turn and let exhaust enter the atmosphere? What we truly need is an unlimited, renewable, cheap method of fueling our ice cream trucks.
My new solution will help you to fit in your pants, still have time for food and fun, and even help to save our country from the oil crisis. This miraculous, new discovery is called Lipofunctio, which is the use of human lipid to attain a biofuel. The operation would not be at all complex. Simply proceed to a sucking plant near you,1 there you can order your meal and ask for a special Lipofunction table2 where one of our friendly service people will hook you up to our simple and comfortable Lipofunction units, which will be appropriately tightened around the each individuals’ bulges of fat, thus optimizing the weight lose and energy generating potential. In a matter of minutes, a quiet ticking noise will begin. Then “suuucccckkkk”, the pounds of fast could be stripped from your limbs with no more effect then it takes for you to slurp the milkshake during the operation. You could be back down to the 300 pounds3 you weighed years ago in high school without any pain or even noticing that the operation had occurred.
The billions of tons4 of body fat collected would be quickly shipped off to government facilities, which will replace the hideous windmills in Kansas. There it would be processed producing an oily, greasy fuel that could be sold to local gas stations and other companies at a fraction of the cost of Middle Eastern oil. This would quickly lower fuel prices, again helping the average American. It would also increase the U.S. labor force, because of the thousands of workers needed to sift though slim and boil blubber. Without any unforeseen complications, this product would help in ever segment of the economy and greatly booster the nation’s well being. Early statistics show that within a month enough fat could be sucked and replenished to power 7 cities the size of New York City.
This energy would be perfect for powering the world, because people will always find pleasure in eating fattening sloppy Joes and greasy pizza thus renewing the energy supply. Eating is what Americans do better at than any other country. Because of this the United States could quickly provide enough fat cells to fuel the nation. So now is the time to open you mouth up wide and stuff in everything and anything you want, because it can simply be converted into a fuel that could certainly save the world. Visiting fast food restaurants has never been so patriotic.

NOTES
(1)
These plants would be conveniently located in your local McDonalds thus targeting those fortunate enough to benefit form this procedure. In addition, this would allow people to never wait a second without vital nutrition, such fat, carbs, and sugar.
(2)
These Lipofunction tables will look precisely like regular Fast-food restaurant tables, the same cold plastic seats and colorful table tops, except that they have nearby easily accessible liposuction equipment.
(3)
According to federal government, we can only suck 300 pounds at a time, so you are encouraged to return whenever you feel you waist belt tightening.
(4)
“Tons” is not used as an exaggeration here, as it often is, but as an actual estimate of the weight of excess fat that could be collected.