April 29, 2010
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Why doesn't God make a rewind button? Why can't the words I that just sprouted out of my mouth go back in? They needed to be said, but I know what's going to happen next. Pain, and maybe this time the pain might just stop.
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing, I promise. Can we just keep watching the movie?"
"What you don't want to say it again?" You can hear the anger boiling in his voice. I can feel his body getting intense. I can feel the air in the room growing tumultuous.

I need to find a way out. I don’t know why I keep coming back here. Why I keep coming back to him. The chair sinks in. The desolate white walls come closer. I peer out the window all I see is darkness. The staircase looks so far. Oxygen levels in the room are getting lower.
“I am going to go.”
“You’re just going to leave, just like that?” Ian has a curl smile on his face. I know what he wants to do.
I try to run to the staircase. Instead there is Ian blocking the door way , with his mouth curled up at the corners. He laughs taunting me. I feel his strong arms that once use to protect me, push me down onto the cushion. It does what he wants. My mind flies far away from him and this place.
Someone tell me why I am so stupid. I fall for his lies, every time he says that he has changed. Every hit I tell myself that he only does this because he loves me. I lie to myself. This time I have a gut feeling this is the last time. Soon I feel a heavy weight off of me. I hear the zipping of his pants. Ian chuckles. I curl in a ball. I sit and rock back and forth. Then I hear his pernicious voice.
“I bet you liked that.” I stay quiet.“What know you don’t like it?”
“I-I-I didn’t say that.” A tear falls from my eye. I know what’s going to happens next.
“You know what?” I close my eyes . Tighten my body get ready for what I know is inevitable.
The first hit is to my head , it knocks me a little, but it doesn’t put me out. I try to drift off to my happy place, but my mind won’t let me. Instead I am stuck in the room, blow after blow. Hearing the cursing. I want to scream but I can’t.
No one warned me. That love could be so twisted. With ever blow and every hit reality's grasp on me escapes. I am fading into the darkness, but at least the pain has stopped.

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