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Dear Mrs. Happ,
We received your letter on the subject of your husband’s perplexing condition. We are pleased to inform you that there is a cure to his alarming case of happiness. As your letter was read, my assistants and I were puzzled by your description of Mr. Happ singing in the shower and whistling all day long. At the age of ninety-four this is highly irregular as most old men occupy their time by scowling, driving at minimal speeds, and criticizing those younger than themselves.
For months I, along with my assistants Dr. Nathaniel Brown and Dr. Gloria Crabbe, have been conducting studies to diagnose your husband. We wish to find a cure to his condition. We have spent much time observing elderly men’s behaviors, and have traveled throughout the country to lakes, retirement homes, libraries and similar areas of high elderly populations in order to observe specimens in their natural habitat.
As we conducted our research, we came to an agreement that this condition does not pertain solely to the elderly, but is prevalent in each age bracket. In each location we visited, we observed people of all ages exhibiting symptoms and superfluous jubilation. For each age group there is a conventional behavior pattern that those we observed were not adhering to: the elderly are supposed to complain about the unfair circumstances of today compared to the time of their youth; the middle-aged couples are supposed to complain about the minimal amount of time they devote to each other because of energy spent on their offspring; the offspring are supposed to complain about the chores they are mandated to complete; the babies are supposed to cry constantly. None of the typical behaviors were prevalent in our observations: the people were happy. This phenomenon is very disturbing.
It is well documented that as humans age they become more irritable and bitter because their physical and mental capabilities and hindered by gene mutations. Specifically in American society, these natural changes perturb those centered on physical beauty and leisure activities.
We have created a cure for patients that experience excess happiness. Your husband is experiencing a high degree of elation due to an unbalanced chemistry of hormones that has created high self-esteem: Excess amounts of serotonin have led your husband to feel more comfortable with his anatomical development, which had lead to his chipper spirits. In order for your husband to return to an appropriate level of daily enjoyment I am prescribing Pseudogaudium, which is a drug that distorts one’s vision, balances cranial hormones, and temporarily weakens the arm, leg, and abdominal muscles. While taking Pseudogaudium, your husband’s vision will be altered so that he seems himself in an elderly, decrepit manner. Although it will not actually occur, he will believe that he has acquireed wrinkles, poor dental hygiene, and additional weight. In addition, his abdominal and limb muscles will enter a constant state of relaxation that will prohibit him from partaking in any physical activity.
When the medicine has taken affect he will become a stereotypical bitter man of ninety-four. His heightened self awareness will encourage him to spend more time with you playing chess and complaining, instead of playing sports, maintaining physical fitness, or promoting good self-esteem.
If Pseudogaudium gains popularity it will be mass distributed for public consumption. It will allow people a way to function normally without the need to fulfill goals or making something of themselves. It will allow for an increase in complaining and a decrease in actions toward fixing dilemmas. People won’t feel happy because they aren’t expending energy, but solely complaining. This lack of action will create a national sentiment of indifference. Indifference is the compromise between excess jubilation and irrational irritability.
Please encourage your husband to visit his physician and discuss Pseudogaudium, the only to his puzzling circumstance. Side effects may include periods of muteness, confusion, deterioration of endocrine system, and severe short term memory loss.

Regards,
Dr. William Lemieux





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