Here I Am

April 1, 2010
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This moment means so much to me that I can't even breathe. I stand up to tell my story in the middle of a crowded church. My heart is only broken but it will break five times over tonight. Then, and only then, will I be healed. God will open his arms to me and become my safe harbor the moment that I spill the words. "I am ready to be loved. Unconditionally loved. I am ready to be so loved that I never have to depend on another person again."

I've spent so long depending on others. I have had so many people tell me they love me in my life. Only now, I realize, none of them love me, because they would still be here if they had told the truth.

Here I am. I am ready to give over everything I have. My heart, my life, my soul, to someone that I am sure exists. I may not have any proof, but I can feel him moving throughout my body. He is there. He touches my cheek softly, wiping away tears. He tucks me into bed when I feel lonely in the dark hours of the black blanket night. He gives me hope when I feel like I don't have anything left. He is the Father that never left me, the Friend that kept all of His promises, the Lover who's love was truly unconditional. Oh my, He is EVERYTHING.

People don't understand about the connection that I feel with my God. Let me correct myself. People who don't feel the same connection don't understand. They don't see how I could give so much of myself to something that isn't tangible, to a person who isn't standing right next to me. I have an answer. I love Him. Love doesn't require proof. Love is an emotion that can cut so deep, a person bleeds for eternity. Love splits a person open and reveals all of their pink, bloody insides. Love is a fuel that burns the brightest of blues. God is Love.

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