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Good To Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die

Colin worked on the fourteenth floor of his office building. Today was different. He was riding the elevator to the thirty seventh floor. Colin was sad. Really sad. And he was going to jump off of the thirty seventh floor.

Riding the elevator to the thirty seventh floor with Jesse Lacey and a moose with an ivy league education was like waiting for water to boil.

“You see, great authors attend prestigious academic colleges because they are simply gifted at writing, and the universities recognize that. Take Vonnegut and Cummings for example. Kurt Vonnegut, one of the most renowned authors of the century, attended Cornell. E. E. Cummings, perhaps the most innovative poet ever, studied at Harvard,” said the moose. He spoke with an intellectual dialect. He probably read The New Yorker.

“Vonnegut majored in chemistry,” argued Lacey. He wore torn moccasins and the bottoms of his jeans rolled up. A white v-neck shirt loosely covered his upper body. Bloody bandages wrapped his wrists and shaking hands. He looked rough. “He just picked up creative writing to be famous. There are so many better post-modern writers than him. Take Tao Lin for example. One of the best surreal, stream-of-consciousness writers. But he lacks the east coast education credibility, so ‘Slapstick’ and ‘Slaughterhouse-five’ make the lists and ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee’ and ‘Bed’ go unnoticed. “

“You have it all wrong, my friend,” said the moose, shaking his head.

“I am not your friend. I am just a man who knows how to feel,” said Jesse.

Colin watched the elevator buttons indicate that they were passing the fifth floor.

“Well anyways,” said the moose, “how has songwriting been going?”

“I used to be such a burning example,” said Jesse. “I used to be so original. But this is the price you pay for loss of control. How about you take me out tonight. This ship of fools I’m on will sink.”

“Sorry, I have plans with the family tonight,” said the moose.

Colin was getting sick of waiting. He wanted to get this over with, and listening to the lead singer of Brand New and a pretentious moose was making him impatient.

The elevator stopped at the eleventh floor. On stepped a beautiful blond girl. She was probably twenty five and absolutely stunning. She smiled at Jesse as she walked in.

“Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face,” Jesse said under his breath.

“Hey,” she said playfully, “you’re Jesse Lacey, right?”

“Yeah, I’m Jesse Lacey,” he said. “I’m heaven sent. Don’t you dare forget.”

She blushed and giggled. The two struck up conversation. They were obvious flirting. Colin overheard her telling Jesse about studying abroad in England, away from her boyfriend. It sounded like the conversation was getting deep.

“How about this,” said Jesse. “Tell all the English boys you meet about the American boy back in the states.”

She giggled again. Colin had become sick. He couldn’t take this anymore.

The elevator reached the fourteenth floor. Colin quickly pressed the “open door” button and ran out. He walked into his office and sat down. Listening to Jesse Lacey, that girl, and the moose talk was not worth dying for. Not at all. Life isn’t that bad.





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