I’ve fallen.
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
I think it’s my fault, too. Well, I’m not even sure. So I guess it’s less of ‘I fell’ than ‘I was thrown’. Maybe half and half, if that even makes any sense. I’ve been told it was my fault, and that was why I was exiled. But I don’t even know WHY. I know I’m being punished. But I don’t know what for. I don’t know if I deserve it. I’m trying to get by with my head down, not being too noticeable… but I’ve met someone who’s taught me that keeping to yourself isn’t always that great. They’ve taught me to question authority… of course ‘authority’ isn’t quite so fond of that. It also doesn’t help that authority could probably blast you off of the face of the earth. But I’m starting to think that she’s right. How can I keep doing this, not even knowing why? I ask them, but the only reply I get is a ringing silence.
Supposedly I did something bad. Like really bad. But in a world as perfect as theirs, I’m never quite sure how ‘bad’ is… I guess it could be something as simple as chewing gum on the street… they send you to prison in Singapore (I believe) if you do that. Maybe it was worse, though. Maybe it was hurting someone else. But… my personality doesn’t seem that type. Or so I’ve been told. But I’m not sure. I’m not exactly sure of anything, which can get on my nerves sometimes. It’s like… anything is susceptible to change. I’ve got nothing really firm to stand on. Sometimes, I even doubt myself, just because there are so many others telling me differently. It’s hard to get by. I’m lost, I’m confused. I want answers. But they’re not coming. And I have no way to go out and find them. I just get to sit here, through this daily torture and wait. Wait, hope, pray.
I try to manage. My path is so blurry, so full of twists and turns, so… unclear. I’m barely sure what’s right and what’s wrong; let alone what’s best for me and the rest of society. I hope that they will answer my prayers, so that maybe I’m not so lost. So maybe I feel like I have a meaning in this life, rather than to sit around and rot away.
I’ve fallen. I’m fallen. I’m broken. I’m beaten, rundown, only a shadow of the glory that I used to be. I have to try to make it through, because what waits on the other end… it could save me.
When you fall, you need to pick yourself up.
I’m just not quite sure how to.