The Inside Scoop of the real Mother Nature.

December 24, 2009
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Hi, my name is Mother Nature. I was brought here against my will. Apparently, I need to tell some people [you] my story. According to you, it’s very rare. There’s no real beginning to this story. It just started. I really did not notice anything at first; I did not even feel like there was anything wrong. However, after awhile, I felt like I changed every three months into new, distinct personalities. It seems to happen every year, around the same time. I can be falling for some guy one month, then the next breaking into a school. This is not something I try to do or not do; it is in my brain as and I don’t have a choice. This is my story:
You told me to write it all down. You know what? I do not want to write it all down. It is not going to help me. There’s so much wrong with me you won’t even know what to do. You will not know how to function. I guess since I have to do this I will start from the beginning. It was a Tuesday; chilly breezy, morning. I was having a really good day. I get back my test in History and get an A+. That never happens. I go to my next class, English, and we watch A Beautiful Mind. Nothing embarrassing yet right? Wrong. I bet you don’t even want to know what happened. Well, I am going to tell you anyway. I am so clumsy sometimes. Like this one time, I fell RIGHT into the guy I liked! It wasn’t even because one of my friends pushed me into him as a joke! All me! I tripped UP the stairs! That’s my specialty! I did not even tell you the best part. The guy I liked was coming down the stairs and I fell right into his arms! And it was not like those Hollywood movies where he looks directly into your eyes and the next thing you know you are madly in love with each other. Nooo, he totally just looked me up and down and had a strange look on his face! I remember what happened as if it was yesterday! Oh, because it was yesterday! I remember my friend standing on the side of me wishing she did not know me. As soon as I gathered myself, I ran straight for my friend who was laughing hysterically. I looked back and the guy stood there looking baffled and winded. [Editor’s note: get it? Winded- windy- fall is windy?] He started brushing himself off like I had just given him cooties or something. I cannot believe I did that. It was the most humiliating event I have ever been apart of and it was not even that humiliating. It’s not like Mother Nature to fall for a guy who would not catch her.
Why do people give me that dirty look like I am a criminal? I did not do anything wrong! I promise you I did not. You see, this is not me. I am usually just a normal gal roaming the school and I have a lot of friends. But sometimes I feel like I get the cold shoulder when I walk past people. So I feel I need to do these things to make me happy and to fit in. Ok, maybe, sneaking into the school and changing my grades was not the greatest idea, but what’s a girl to do? As I was sneaking around, my toes began to freeze, almost automatically. My ears turned red and I turned into Rudolf the reindeer. I had no warm clothes on so my body was shivering. . In my head the way to do that was to sneak around. It’s fun anyways. You get to wear cute, very thin, mission impossible outfits, all black. I guess there’s the problem. I thought it was fun. Which is kind of scary if one were to read this. But I get home from school only to find my mom waiting there with a stern look on her face. She is disappointed in me; I can feel it. I’m getting the lecture about how my actions were so wrong and that I could have just told her I was doing bad in school. Perhaps, she said , if you had told me sooner, I could get you a tutor. Yeah, Mom, because I would really do that and be even more of a loser. She told me the school had called and told her that I was suspended for 5 days and in school lockdown for 3. And during that time I was supposed to “think” about my actions and what I was going to do about them. Easy for her to say. She does not have to face the school. When I return, no one will look at me the same. No one will treat me the same. I will not get the reaction I wanted. I wanted to be cool [it was WINTER!] and I thought this was the way to do it. I guess not. Mother Nature does not get punished. She does not get the cold shoulder. Why can’t people see that?
I wanted to try out for the jump rope team at our school. I went to the gym and was told I had to go to the American Jump Rope Team gym. So I went. I bought a jump rope on the way and some food. I was driving. I was fine on my own; there was nothing to worry about. Or so I thought. When I get to the gym, there are people jumping rope. It was so cool to watch. I watched for a little and decided to just be on the sidelines for now. Maybe the coach would come over to me and see how dedicated I was and ask to be on the team. No, instead, he comes over to me and tells me I am on illegal property and that I should go home. Well, ok sir, you do not have to be so rude. So I pick up my things and go home. When I get home, my Mom is waiting for me once again. She says the American Jump Rope Team called both my school and her. They told my Mom that I had left my wallet in the gym. That was my first mistake .Well, I guess my first mistake, was trying out for the team; because there was no jump rope team at my school. But in my head, I totally thought it existed, which is why the school called my Mom. Unbelievable. Now my Mom gives me the lecture of how, I really need to tell her where I am going at all times, no matter what; even if it is something bad. Especially if I am planning suicide she said. I wanted to tell her that I was never going to kill myself, that I did not even have the courage to kill myself. But I could not get anything out. I was too afraid to talk to my Mother. I could not even say that: I was afraid. She would not believe me anyways, especially with my circumstance, which I will get to later. It seemed so real, though. I saw signs on lockers promoting the team. I saw people reading the signs looking so excited and pumped. I even saw jump ropes in the gym. Why couldn’t anyone else see these things? I guess I will find out at the end of this doctor’s session. So apparently, since there was no jump rope team, I was to start one as my punishment even though I did not know a thing about jump rope. [Editor’s note: Get it? The season spring? Jumping spring! Jump rope?] As I walked outside of my house to my school that first day back, pollen escaped the trees and into my nose and I received the worst allergies. Why do I always get allergies? I just turned my little butt around and decided maybe today was not the best day to jump. Mom refused to let me stay home. She said I needed to do what is best for me. But what was best for me was to stay home. No one believed me.
Go ahead. Just try to tell me being perfect and happy is wrong. I will not believe you. I am perfectly content about where I am in life. Getting straight A plus’s does not mean I am perfect. People do that all the time. What’s that? The state of perfect does not exist? Yes, yes it does! It’s me! I am perfect. I love this world. Everyone loves me. Everyone gets along with me. No one teaches me any new ideas – because I know them all. I do not need anyone’s help. Sometimes, when I meet new people, I introduce myself as perfect. No, why would people give me a strange look? Perfect is my name. Perfect is what I think of summer. Summer is such a perfect season. And it is a perfectly normal name. You do not think perfect and normal should be in the same sentence? Why not? Oh, it is an understatement? Nothing can be an understatement. Yes, I am always happy! I do not understand how you can say that. I also always feel great. I always like the way I look. No complaints.
Well, you guys asked. You guys asked me to write it all down. I told you everything. Now you tell me some things. What is wrong with me? Because obviously there is something wrong with me if I am writing all this down. Telling you this, against my will. Oh, what’s that? I have Multiple Personality Disorder? Why, just because I think differently than you people? Yes, I did just call you, you people. I also have, on occasion, some hallucinations and delirious moments? I also have a phobic disorder of my Mother? Are you telling me I am afraid of my Mother? That seems odd. It seems odd because I am a mother. But I do have a mother correct? Ok, then why does she tell me strange things that I do? I do not believe this is the truth. I believe there are four different people inside my brain! That’s what you are trying to tell me? Then tell me! I am a strong woman! I can handle the truth! The truth lies inside me! It is YOU who cannot handle the truth! No, I will not calm down! Do not touch me! Don’t touch me! Don’t touch meeeeeee!
[Editor’s note: If one is confused about how this relates to the four seasons; do not worry: I am here to help. The first segment is fall. Mother Nature falls into her crush- who does not like her back. Get it? You fall into someone? And the season Fall? The next paragraph is supposed to depict winter. Mother Nature gets the cold shoulder. Get it? Cold-Winter? The next is spring. Get it, jumping rope is a spring into action!? Finally you have summer. I had summer be the concept of everything perfect. Mother Nature, also, at this time is very content and there is nothing wrong.]

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