How To Be a Teenager

January 10, 2010
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It has once been said that understanding teenagers is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree. Perhaps this is because the forebrain is not fully developed in teens, creating an awkward mix of emotions and inhibitions. More specifically, the frontal lobe, responsible for thinking, planning, morals, and emotional control, hasn’t quite matured. This tiny mishap in the teenage culture can often result in property destruction or life loss, but looking on the bright side, it can also result in a “freaking good time.” So whether you are an adult who wants to relive those adolescent days or a teenager who isn’t living life to the fullest, read on, because you are about to learn how to master that unique and special craft of being a stupid, sporadic, crazy teenager.

First, it is essential that you should clear your mind of any mature or logical thoughts. Concentrate on becoming spacey and forgetful. Things you would normally think of should be whisked away into a hole of nothingness and crazy, irrational thoughts should take their place, such as, “Whoa dude, so can a bird be afraid of heights?” or “Righteous! Let’s go hang our crap from that tree and build a swinging fort!”

If you have properly completed the above task, you should soon find yourself doing stupid things that entertain the rest of the world but can be critically painful to you. For example, you might try to put icy hot on your sore butt to find a burning sensation in your pants or try sticking foil in sockets to discover flames shooting at your face. These things are perfectly normal. However, it is crucial for the safety of this process that there is someone within two miles that has at least 50% more common sense than you, taking into consideration the fact that several items are going to catch on fire, and overdoses on simple drugs, like asthma inhalers, are very likely to result.

Once you are completely lacking in mental stability, it is crucial to learn how to transport yourself. If you have a car, you must give a ghetto name like Moshani or Shaniqua. Although you should trash it, you should also treat it with the respect of a friend and make up an extreme personality to go along with it, getting angry when people do not treat it with the proper amount of warmth. Optional, though recommended, you can also come up with an alter identity to go along with your car. Your alter identity should be displayed only at certain times and should include either a change in accent, race, or attitude.

While actually driving the vehicle, there are several important things to remember. You must drive the wrong way in parking lots and utter a curse word every single time you see something that resembles a cop. Blow as many stop signs as you can, and if someone mentions anything to you, say that you were distracted by the hunk across the street shooting hoops. It is also vital that you express your opinion at all times while in the car. While driving, hold up signs at other drivers that say things such as “Are you drunk?” or “Settle Down.” However, positive messages can be conveyed as well. If someone looks rather attractive, or, in some cases, extremely unattractive, it is fun and teenage-like to hold up a sign that discusses how cute you think they are with a cell phone number to call. This accomplishment of acting before you think is indeed setting yourself up for stalking, molestation, and in some cases, kidnapping or rape, but it adds so much entertainment to the car ride that long-term physical and psychological effects should never pass through your mind. If you suddenly find yourself worrying about getting in trouble or creating problems with other drivers, you should consider going back to the mental deterioration step discussed earlier.

If you are not old enough to drive or do not have the privilege of a vehicle, there are several alternatives you can take. If you ride public transportation, mainly the bus, it is necessary to take advantage of the luxurious amount of space and attention. Do somersaults across the seats and start pile-ups on other passengers. Although someone, including yourself, may get smashed into a window and break a bone or two, it is far worth it to have the satisfaction of knowing just how stupid, crazy, and immature you really are being.

If buses aren’t your thing, you must either learn how to ride a unicycle or improvise an insane form of transportation that nobody has ever seen before. This could include a recycling bin bungee chorded to a skateboard or even sleds tied onto the tops of bikes, but it has to be dangerous and the passenger must not be able to stay in it for more than 30 seconds or it is considered intelligent and therefore a failure. If you are going to choose to do something simple, like ride a bike, you must add a twist to the experience by trying to ride down snow hills or putting a blindfold on. Helmets are off limits and completely unacceptable.

If, at this point, you feel that you have sufficiently mastered the art of fanatical transportation, the next step is acting the proper way in the school environment. If there is a kid with rubber bands from his brace face bag, if not you yourself, you must take these from him right away and begin flicking them at other students across the room. Bonus points are awarded if the teacher sees the flying band and blames it on another student. In study hall or work time in class, see who can fit the most rubber bands around their tongue and turn it the darkest shade of purple. Pain is good, and seeing who can take the most rubber band flicks to the arm is a prime free time activity.
Competition is a key force in being a successful teenager, so during the lunch hour, be sure to initiate chugging contests, and consistently challenge others to see who can stack the most bottles, who can eat a starburst without hands the fastest, and who can eat the most crackers in a minute. Although it may seem bizarre and uninspiring right now, it is guaranteed that if you make it this far in the process, your mind will most definitely be changed by this point.

The final step in becoming a wacky teen is by far the easiest: procrastination. It should be applied to everything you do, but should be done with style. If you have to leave for another country in five minutes, sleep for four of them and power pack a suitcase in the last 60 seconds. If you have a project due, do it on the bus or while walking between classes. Not only is time saved, but you have once again successfully done something irresponsible and completely negligent.

Becoming a teenager is a difficult task that takes time, practice, and a high level of skill. It takes the perfect balance of stupidity and outright lack of common sense. However, with determination and the right motivation, almost everybody can master the technique of being spacey while acting like you are paying attention and consistently making yourself look like a fool. So even though you can’t physically go inside of your brain and change the makeup of your frontal lobe, there is still hope that with a little work, we can all be as brainless and amusing as today’s coolest teen.

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This article has 12 comments. Post your own now!

twiwrite said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 1:54 pm
hahahahahaha bravo! very enjoyable. to bad i cant achive that state of mind :P
soccerstop9 said...
Jan. 26, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Nicollleee this was straight up hilarious and i found myself laughing out loud multiple times. you hit the nail on the head in every single point you made and if this is not picked to be in the magazine then people, for lack of a better phrase, are on crack. kay love you bye
Lesah2 said...
Jan. 26, 2010 at 10:17 am
Hey Nicole, you write with a wisdom beyond your years. I am very impressed with your writing skills and your sense of humor replied...
Jan. 26, 2010 at 10:29 am
i have a teenager and it is straight to the point i will have her to read it as well. Good job
sueg said...
Jan. 25, 2010 at 8:13 pm
Get article, Nicole. Very well-written. Can't wait to read your next composition.
cinrd said...
Jan. 25, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Creative and well-written. I thought it was very entertaining!
lulu said...
Jan. 25, 2010 at 1:34 pm
It takes a really creative mind to not only entertain but I get the impression that Nicole is totally entertained in the process. Great wit and writing skills.
sandykay said...
Jan. 24, 2010 at 8:48 am
The sense of humor in the first paragraph grabbed my attention, and as I continued reading I could identify with teenagers I know. Very enjoyable reading!
sueh said...
Jan. 23, 2010 at 3:05 pm
what an entertaining article. she certainly presented her zany antics in a way that make sense. I can't believe that I just said that!
Cacheela said...
Jan. 23, 2010 at 9:14 am
Nicole has provided advise to teenagers that is positive and very easy to apply to their lives. I have finally found some practical and useful tips to instill in my teenage children.
kajxn said...
Jan. 23, 2010 at 7:45 am
Nicole has given us a powerful glimpse into the mind of a teen. She not only has a gift for writing, but great insight as well.
georgek said...
Jan. 22, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Very well thought out and actually she has hit the high points of what she was trying to get across. Very thoughtful
I can see the teen age thought process going through what she described.
Very well done.
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