I was exhausted as a pushed open the door to my “home.” My voice rang out as I called for my mom. No answer greeted me, go figure. I would probably hear her stumbling in the door around four in the morning, drunk, with the controlling and abusive ‘thing’ that she calls a boyfriend. Work was horrible, as usual, I reeked of Chinese and I really needed a shower. I went to check on my little brother, Lucas, before I gathered some semi clean clothes. He was already asleep and thank the lord he never wakes up when mom comes home. As I looked at him I could only hope that my mistakes would not one day become his. My thoughts drifted to my other brother, Cole. Though he was like me once, He managed to turn his life around by getting into the army. I had hoped to follow in his footsteps, but my addiction to drugs is something I cannot overcome. Now Cole is half away around the world, and I miss him more every single day. I love Lucas, but he and I just are not as close as Cole and I. I am only a year younger than he is so we suffered our crappy childhood together. We were always keeping each other’s heads up. As I got into the shower, I really began to notice to the scars on my arms and wrist, so ugly, and they remind me of every ounce of pain I ever felt. The worst one glared brightly across my wrist, my last attempt to take all my pain away…forever. Unfortunately, I failed, and it just created more problems for me. After that, my mom decided to start caring and put me in counseling. What I really needed was a stable home life, and the abuse to stop. Everyone thinks the counseling helped, and it did. It taught me how to fake it. Now, those around me believe in my happiness as I plaster a false smile across my face. The water was hot, and it was probably the best feeling I had all day. It felt as though the water was burning away the burdens and sins of my past. After the shower, I grabbed a beer and laid down. Staring at the blank ceiling, I began to think of what my cruel life had to offer. Why was I chosen to live such a horrible life? Why does anyone deserve this? I slowly drifted to sleep where only nightmares awaited me.

I did not have to work the next day so I slept in until noon. After I woke, I got dressed and did my hair then I was headed to my boyfriends. I walked in and immediately could tell Mason was in a bad mood. I said “Hi” and he did not do as much as look up at me. I grabbed him and myself a beer, tossed him one then sat down on his bed and drank mine. It was about an hour before he said anything. Then, “I know you cheated on me!” he said, with anger. I stared at him in shock. “No I haven’t,” I almost yelled trying to defend myself. He stood up now, getting in my face “Don’t even try to lie to me, Sam!” “Bryce came over earlier and told me he saw you at that party last night!” “I was at work last night, just like I told you I was!” I yelled back as loud as I could while getting on my feet too. “I’M SO SICK OF YOU AND YOU’RE LYING!” as he yelled this, he swung back his arm and then with all his force his knuckles came crashing into my face. As I lay on the floor in a daze, he said, “It’s over” and stormed out of the house. I could feel my left eye swell as a walked out to my car. I sat out in the car staring at my already black eye. I considered crying, but what have tears ever done for me? They were useless. I was trying to come up with a story to tell me friends.

When I became satisfied with one, I drove to my friend Maria’s house. She is throwing a party tonight and I figured I could use some fun. Of course, as soon as I walked in Maria and Jessica screamed “OH MY GOODNESS SAM!” “WHAT HAPPENED?” “ARE YOU OKAY?” “Yeah,” I said as I gave a weak smile. “I got locked in the bathroom, and when I was pulling the door, my brother pushed it and it swung open and hit me in the face.” “You’re such a klutz Sam!” they both stated at the same time. “You always have bumps and bruises on you from something” Maria exclaimed. “I know...” I replied quickly. They did not know the truth, how could I ever tell them something so humiliating.

A few at a time, 11 or 12 more people came in. My drinking had started before everyone else’s; I was almost drunk by the time the last person got here. I could already tell it was not going to be a good night. I became more depressed with every shot of vodka. Soon I was stumbling around and ended somewhere by the couch when I feel to the floor. The world was spinning, and the sounds became jumbled. Voices were heard now, clearly, buy very soft as they were whispering in my ear. “Don’t tell anyone, they won’t understand” they said. “Everyone will be mad at you.” Finally, I recognized the voices from my past. Flashbacks of my uncles hit me hard. These were my hidden secrets. The things they did to me while they were babysitting. How they locked Cole in his room and all he could do was listen while I cried and screamed for help. He was the only one who knew, yet we have never talked about it. They had taken Cole by his shirt collar and threatened to murder him as well as me if he told. I remember the words “Nobody will miss you, and even if they do, they will never find your tiny, mangled bodies.” Next, I heard the screams of my mother, while her countless abusive boyfriends beat her. All I could see was Cole and I frantically grabbing Lucas and then hiding under Cole’s bed huddled close together. I felt myself vomit and the images slowly faded to black as I lost conciseness.


Pain was all that met me as I gradually regained consciences, excruciating, physical and mental pain. ‘No more, this life is over,” was the only thought I had floating in my head. I slowly crept out of the now quiet house. A vision came to my mind of an old abandoned building by my grandparent’s house and it seemed rather inviting. I drove over to their house and walked in. My grandma was the only one home and I said my hello with my face hid. Surely if she seen my face it would spark questions. “I heard an interesting noise over in that building,” I said casually. “I think I’m going to go investigate.” “Be careful Sam, take Sadie with you,” she said. “Okay” I replied. I walked outside and Sadie greeted me tail wagging, as usual, she follows me everywhere. A rope that had been lying on the side of that old porch for months now caught my eye and I bent to pick it up as I made my way over to the abandoned structure. I forced open the door and looked around. It was dirty and patches of grass dotted the ground where the holes in the roof had let sunlight in. A tree limb had grown through one of the walls and had since perished in the dark. It did not look like anyone had been in here for years. I sat down and thought for what seemed to be only a few minutes, however the amount of sunlight creeping in told a different story. I arose to my feet and paced back and forth, trying to decided if I was about to make the right decision. I noticed that I had begun to make a rut in the dirt where I had been walking.

What was the point? What did I have? Who am I? The answer came clear as day. Nothing. I let my thoughts come to an abrupt halt. Sadie lay on the ground, following me intently with her eyes. As if on autopilot, I quickly grabbed the rope and looped in over the thickest part of the dead tree branch. I stepped on a tall rock and placed that rough necklace where is belonged around my neck. Only one thought graced my mind as I closed my eyes and fell forward. With my feet dangling, I smiled as I slowly slipped into my final darkness.