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What is life but not a series of events all leading up to the same conclusion, a story where the end is already written. Everybody strives to be different, even though nobody can ever really be the same as someone else. It’s like we all are playing a game with strict rules, but the rules always change, new ones always added so that nobody can really win.
It doesn’t really matter though. In the end we all die, the way we die may be unique, but it’s still only a unique way to take the life from the body, the ultimate result of death. Maybe we go somewhere new after death, maybe the destinations are all different, filling that desire to be special, I can’t honestly say I know. What I do know, or at least believe, is that in that one moment; when life leaves our body, we all share a universal feeling of leaving something behind forever.
Believing this is what has lead me too this point in my life. Standing alone, looking down on the white foam of crashing waves below.
If I jump, I won’t survive the fall. And in that moment of leaving this life behind I can know that the experience was something my mother and I will share. I can connect with her at least one last time and be content that I have made atonement for my sin.
My body edges closer to the place where the cliff sharply drops. Its unbelievable how much every nerve in my body screams to stop, but I know I can’t. The adrenaline begins to rush through me giving a euphoric high that helps to push me forward. My head spins, and I fight for my muscles to calm, to cooperate with my will.
"Lei. Please don’t do it."
Why did he have to find me, my one reason not to jump.
"Stop, it wasn’t your fault."
I can feel the heat begin to emanate from my cheeks, warm tears pooling in my eyes. It was my fault, and there isn’t one thing he could say to make me believe otherwise.
"Don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to know that your mother is dead because of you. This is something I have to do make it right."
But even as the words came out I could feel my resolve beginning to crumble, if I don’t do it now I probably never will.
I sharply cut him off.
"Good bye Haru, I love you."
And then I do it, I jump. It’s an amazing feeling. To make a decision and then give up all control, to just go along knowing that there’s no longer anything you can do. It’s freeing, a feeling of true bliss.
Then I feel reality snatch me out of my reverie. A large pair of hands wrap around my waist pulling me back down to the earth I had just resolved to leave behind
"I will not let you go."
I can feel his determination emanating him like the fierceness of a mother bear when protecting her cubs, and I know that death will have to wait.
Surprising myself I can hear a laugh of surrender escape my lips.
"I know, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to go."
Exhausted by the whole experience and engulfed by the feeling of my brother’s warmth as he cradles me in his arms I allow myself to drift into sleep. Maybe I will be able to find redemption in my dreams.