Santa versus the Pilgrims: Cage-Match This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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     Santa ran a wind-reddened hand through his white beard as he read:

Dear Santa,

Let’s talk turkey. Each year the Thanksgiving season gets shorter and shorter. Thou must stop encroaching on our holiday. We also heard that thee appear as a "spectral vision" in the night sky. We request thy presence at a barbeque in Plymouth to grace thee with a "Salem Hotfoot." Sincerely, The Pilgrims

Santa was perplexed. He called a conference with his two most trusted advisors, Elvis and Bonkers. Elvis, the diplomat, with his emerald-green skin and white hair that defied all laws of gravity, was the best looking of the elfin populous. Bonkers, head of security, was a common-looking elf and came from a long line of village idiots. Four hundred years ago, Bonkers made the North Pole so secure that now the only way to enter or exit is through the chimney.

Elvis, an avid fan of The Rock, suggested that the best way to settle the conflict was a cage-match with the Pilgrims under WWF rules at Madison Square Garden. For safety reasons, the North Pole champion would wrestle Plymouth’s champion in a cage engineered by Bonkers. Santa agreed, delighted that this good-cheer holiday-rights wrestling match might bring some joy to those black-clad Pilgrims, who only smiled when giving out scarlet letters.

Rudolph delivered the challenge to the Pilgrims, who promptly announced that their champion would be Fangor, the notorious saber-toothed Demon-dog of Salem.

Only two parties applied for the hazardous position of referee, Geraldo Rivera and the Headless Horseman. Geraldo’s resume bragged of frequent lunches with Julius Caesar. After careful consideration, Elvis chose the Headless Horseman because, he said, "He had more going for him upstairs."

As his champion, Santa selected the Abominable Snowman, a flaky amateur boxer and avid fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin. The hulking snow creature was only allowed to wrestle if he promised not to eat the spectators.

With a twinkle in his eye, Santa set off with Elvis, Bonkers and the stomach-rumbling Abominable Snowman in Santa’s sparkling anti-gravity sleigh. (The sparkles came from Mrs. Claus, an ex-Rockette with a flair for such things.)

When he arrived at the match, Santa found the crowd milling about and hissing. True to form, Bonkers had made the wrestling cage so secure that no one, not even the champions, could enter. In the commotion, the Abominable Snowman slipped his tether and, when found, appeared rather full and quite content. It was then noted that Fangor was missing.

A speedy resolution was needed. Elvis, a skilled mediator, compromised with the Pilgrims that from November 28 until December 12 there would be no Thanksgiving or Christmas. Instead, a D.M.B.H., or Demilitarized Bowling Holiday, would occur. This ear-splitting, mind-numbing holiday advocated by Rip Van Winkle would provide an adequate buffer and settle the feud. So dust off thy bowling shoes, and mark thy calendars, for this after-Thanksgiving season is D.M.B.H. celebration time!

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

In_Love_with_Writing said...
Jan. 6, 2013 at 4:10 pm
This was really funny. Awesome story. Rate and comment on some of my stories? It means sooo much to me if you do!!
 
i_am_nobody said...
Jul. 18, 2010 at 8:31 pm

hey! we hav the same name!

and ur story was very funny

 
Vampires101 said...
Jun. 23, 2009 at 6:57 pm
It was funny, but I think it could use some more fantasy action... you know, some of the Easter Bunny ;D
 
ganster503 said...
Feb. 3, 2009 at 5:04 pm
it was KOOL
 
No Thanks said...
Nov. 18, 2008 at 3:37 pm
kind of creative, sort of funny, advertisements are distracting, especially Rachel Ray's Weight Loss program with the Acai Berry
 
Nope said...
Nov. 18, 2008 at 3:37 pm
If it is a Christmas or Thanksgiving story, then the advertisements on the side of the page should be about Christmas or Thanksgiving. The story was very creative. I liked the way the author approached the story.
 
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