Track Flick High School - A Satire

October 16, 2009
By TrevorMuraro BRONZE, Berkeley, California
TrevorMuraro BRONZE, Berkeley, California
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Welcome to Tracy Flick High School! We are overjoyed that you have decided to attend our excellent school. At Tracy Flick, you will have access to a wide variety of enjoyable classes designed to maximize your learning experience at our school.

Introductory classes: All incoming freshmen must attend these classes, which provide a foundation, which you will build upon throughout your time at Tracy Flick. These classes are designed to expose you to as many of the options you will have as possible.

Beginning Stress: This class will form the core of your education, both at Tracy Flick High School and beyond. Here, you will learn the basics of agitation, overwork, panic, and all the other exciting activities, which will come to define your life. This is a prerequisite for every non-freshman class.

Busywork 101: This is another foundational class, one that will set the tone for your time at Tracy Flick High School. Busywork 101 educates students about such topics as basic cramming, inane, vaguely worded homework problems, and rote memorization. Most students lose a full 40% of their mental capacity by attending this class alone, and even the least successful lose 27%! Truly an exemplary achievement. This is a prerequisite for every non-freshman class.

Sleep Deprivation I: Another mainstay, this class is part of a four-year series required for all students. It will introduce you to the joys of eyestrain, self-neglect and brain-cell loss, and will also teach you the basics of dozing in class.

Basic Boredom: One of the most crucial and fundamental elements of any education, boredom is a student’s bread and butter. In this class, you will learn to sit through lectures, slideshows and video presentations, and will learn in a rigorous, invigorating, monotonous environment. This is a prerequisite for every non-freshman class.

Introduction to Angst: Angst is the first and foremost emotion of the majority of high school students, defined as an unfocused worry about the state of life or the world in general. This class will discuss the basic forms and manifestations of angst, how to encourage and manipulate them to achieve maximum stress, and will even try a few sessions of light depression to prepare students for the years to follow.

Freshman electives: In addition to starting on the five core curricula of stress, overwork, self-neglect/self-abuse, boredom/dissatisfaction and social emptiness, all students must take at least one elective. In addition to the basic electives, special overachiever electives are also available.

Watching Paint Dry: Our most popular elective, this class spends an hour every day watching various substances dry onto walls, ceilings and floors and taking measurements. As an added bonus, all students get double their required daily amount of toxins and carcinogens from this class alone!

Underwater Basket Weaving: One of the most classic inanities, our Underwater Basket Weaving class takes place in a specially equipped pool, ranging from 4 feet to up to 12 feet deep for advanced learners. Students will learn to work with a variety of materials and aids, such as weight belts. Please note that Tracy Flick High School is not responsible for drowning or any other injuries/fatalities.

Depression and You: This class is perfect for those students who consider the first two years of the social emptiness curriculum too easy. This class delves heavily into the subject of depression, with focus on nihilism, self-diminishment and the “Emo” movement. Later in the year, very advanced students will be allowed to experiment with suicide techniques.

Your Daily Standardized Test (Overachiever level): Standardized testing is the yardstick of any overachiever, they way for them to measure exactly how much better they are than everyone else. Students in this class learn how to get the best score on any standardized test, and drill daily, with an essay every week.

The Value of Worthless Credentials (Overachiever level): Nothing says “success” like a college application with every possible award, honor and statistic on it, and isn’t success what it’s all about? Students will learn about the value of Advanced Pandering classes, techniques for maximizing community service hours, and how to worm a glowing review out of anyone. This class is one the earnest overachiever cannot afford to miss.

Up the Line: The Quest for the Next Step (Overachiever level): Your parents bought you Baby Einstein toys and played you Mozart. They made sure that you did better than anyone else in your preschool class. You had straight As from kindergarten on out, and now you have enrolled in Tracy Flick High School for the express purpose of getting accepted into a prestigious college, which itself will be to help you get a well-paying job. This class is a perfect fit for those students who not only believe that life is a destination, not a journey, but also that the destination is always moving farther away. In Up the Line, you will learn how to keep and strengthen this mindset, and how to ensure that you even make it to a famous cemetery.

Crash and Burn (Overachiever level): Every hardworking student who neglects family, friends and wellbeing for a little more application padding should experience a full crash at least once every month. Characterized by alternating bouts of lethargy and mania and a mindset bordering on desperation, a successful crash is not nearly as hard as it sounds. This class will go over exactly how to experience crashes most often, and how to work full tilt through them, maximizing the damage done.

For extremely advanced students, the mental hospital only two blocks away from Tracy Flick High School also offers several class options.

“Flavor” classes: These classes give no credit and do not rank students, but do add a bit of variety to the school year. They are not available in the overachiever level, and are not required for graduation.

Why History Matters to You: Impacts on Everyday Life

Finding Inspiration Everyday

The State of the Modern Academic System (only occasionally available)

Just Be Yourself: the Meaning of Life

These are your choices for your freshman year classes at Tracy Flick High School, where every month is finals month. We look forwards to seeing you in school. "

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This article has 3 comments.

on Sep. 22 2010 at 5:32 pm
whatshername GOLD, Carlsbad, California
14 articles 1 photo 112 comments
this is great!

grandma said...
on Dec. 4 2009 at 10:17 pm
This essay is flat out funny besides being perceptive and very well written. Bravo!

mwmw said...
on Nov. 23 2009 at 6:07 pm
Fantastic! Witty and clever at every turn.


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