Wasted

By
I, Raelan Meyers, wasted a year and a half of my life, trying to get over Kieran Thomas. I tried avoiding him at all costs, but you could say it was nearly impossible, because his sister, Marina, was my very best friend. I can’t deny that there were times when I wondered whether I went to their house to be with her or just to possibly catch a glimpse of him. I felt like a terrible friend for even thinking that, but I’m not going to lie, the thought had ran through my mind more then once. The worst part about the entire thing was the fact that he knew what effect he had on me. He knew that if he wanted something, he could find it in me. The events leading up to my catastrophic disaster of a summer were more important to me then anyone ever realized. I was too scared to tell the truth, so instead I kept the emotions bottled up inside, threatening to overtake me at any time. So now I’m going to let them all out. But wait, I think I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Why not start where this story really begins, eighteen months ago.

At this point in time I had pushed someone I cared about way too much, entirely out of my life. I’d let Austin Alexander push me around for too long. You must have heard the saying, when one door closes, a new one is opened? Well this came true that night. I’d finally plucked up the courage, and said goodbye to Austin for good. We’d dated on and off for the past seven months and I’d finally decided that I needed out. And Kieran helped me make that decision. He was charming, compared to him Austin was dull. Kieran made me laugh at the worst of times, while Austin was usually the one causing my distress. Kieran showed me the way I was supposed to be treated, completely leaving Austin in my dust. At the time I thought it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Now I’m wondering if maybe things would’ve been better if he’d never walked into my life. The month we were official together, was one I won’t forget. For once I felt completely happy with myself. Because around him I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. But Kieran saw a flaw in our relationship that I couldn’t find. From then on we started to fall apart. Maybe it was because I was afraid to open up, afraid to get to close to him. I couldn’t stand to get hurt the same way I was in my previous relationship. I think that’s what got him. So, really I was the reason we crumbled, and I knew it. It killed me, and the people I needed most weren’t even there to catch me as I was falling. Instead they gave me a shove, making me fall faster. It was the wrong time, the wrong place, but they did it anyways. They spit out nasty word, cruel phrases, thing I never thought would be thrown my way. Especially not out of the mouths of people I thought were my best friends. They destroyed me at the point in my life when I felt completely put together, and I didn’t know if I would ever forgive them.

Now of course, after Kieran and I went our separate ways, he moved on and mesmerized other girls the same way he mesmerized me. I, on the other hand, never got over him. An insane jealousy took over me whenever I saw him with other girls and it drove me crazy. I deserved to move on just as much as he did, but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. I was still caught in the clutches of his heart and I couldn’t wriggle free. As the summer past I’d kept my distance. Marina and I weren’t close at that point, sure we were friends and we’d hung out a couple times but we hadn’t yet become the best friends we are today. It was easier to pretend I didn’t care then to tell people why I still did. As the summer nights faded away I realized how much I was dreading the start of the school year. It wasn’t even a week after September 2, my first day of high school, that I started noticing a difference in the way Kieran talked to me, the way he looked at me. I’d been spending a lot more time at his house, mostly trying to avoid looking at him because it was hard to look away. What did he want from me? How was I supposed to get over him when he was everywhere I looked? The night of September 15, I slept over for the first time at the Thomas house. I bet this doesn’t sound like much of an event. But believe me, this is when I realized how different Kieran was. He wasn’t the sweet, caring, funny guy I remembered. There was a look in his eyes that scared me, an edge in his voice that made me quiver. We were sleeping in the basement and Marina had fallen asleep. I was sitting on the mattress leaning against the couch, watching out of the corner of my eye as Kieran played video games. Eventually he moved over to the couch and lied down. I didn’t think anything of it. But I could feel something, a vibe of some sort, I felt it coming and that completely terrified me. My stomach erupted with butterflies.
“What are you doing?” I asked, a little louder then I’d meant to, as I felt his hand brush my shoulder.
“Raelan, shh, you’ll wake her up.” He replied in a soft voice.
“So?” I said, irritation creeping into my voice, I turned my head to look at him.
There was a look in his eyes, one I didn’t like. It resembled one of a lion, ready to pounce on its pray, I quickly turned away, and stared at the TV, not really seeing what was playing. Again his hand found its way onto my shoulder, tickling my neck. I giggled softly.
“Stop, that tickles.” I said, but I truly didn’t want him to stop.
“I know.”
In one smooth movement he was kneeling beside me, squeezing my sides. I laughed nervously at this, trying to push his hand away. The next thing I knew his face was moving closer, slowly working his body on top of mine. Our lips met. I was in complete awe. Was this actually happening? Wait, this is wrong. So wrong, on so many different levels. Marina’s in this very room! How could I do this to her? But I didn’t stop him. I let him use me, because I wanted so badly to believe that wasn’t what he was doing, I wanted to prove myself wrong. But I was sadly disappointed. His ignorance was like a stab through the heart, and I felt it whether I liked it or not. The deliberate way he avoiding my gaze, the icy manner he overlooked me as we walked past each other in the halls, it all shattered me. Marina found out about that night, and the hurt look in her eyes murdered me. I’d sacrificed the feelings of my best friend, for something that in the end wasn’t even worth it. As the weeks went by and the weather turned colder there were other encounters with Kieran, but none nearly as intense. As his attention slowly turned back towards me I tried not to notice. I kept away because I couldn’t let it happen again, wouldn’t let him take advantage of me. One stands out clearly in my mind. At some point during the month of December, I was with Marina; we had a job putting together the bags full of flyers and then delivering them the next morning, before school. I’d walked to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and Kieran blocked my way as I walked back towards the door to the garage.
“What’s your problem today?” he asked, with a smirk on his face.
I’d been fidgety and nervous the entire time. My heart pounded when ever he was around and my tongue got tied. I could understand why he thought there was something wrong.
“Nothing” I lied quickly.
I tried to walk past him, but he side stepped in front of me.
“Why are you in such a rush?”
“Kieran,” I said with impatience in my voice, “Move!”
He simply smiled and stood back to let me through, but I heard is footstep behind me as his followed me towards the door. I turned around.
“Is there something I can help you with?” I asked, with one eyebrow raised.
He smiled.
“Well there is something,” he said tenderly.
He moved towards me grabbed my hips and turned me around pressing his back against the door brining me with him. I was flustered and could feel my cheeks burning, my heart picked up pace.
“How about a kiss?” he asked gently, with a genuine look in his eyes.
I almost gave in, but I knew I couldn’t. I refused to let him win the game he was playing with me.
“M-maybe next time.” I stammered.
“Aw, please?” he questioned.
No. He wasn’t winning. Not this time.
“Nope.”
“Fine then, be that way.” he said with a smile in his tone.
From then on we went our separate way, him to the kitchen, me, through the door to the garage. And that was it. I tried to push this memory out of my brain, but as I lay in the bottom bunk of Marina’s bed, knowing he was only a few feet away from me, it ran over and over in my mind. Like a broken record, it replayed multiple times. It took me awhile to get to sleep that night.

Months went by, and he ignored me more and more. I tried to pretend like it didn’t bother me, tried to fake a smile. I tried using other boys to get him off my mind, but they just made it worse. They too tore me down with their words, cruel and unneeded. I slowly started to feel myself withering away. How was it fair that I was going through this while he walked around without a care in the world? Couldn’t he see what he was doing to me? The school year ended like any other, I was still hung up on a boy that wouldn’t give me the time of day. As sleepless summer nights went by I started to realize that I really needed to move on with my life. Yes, I know, it took me awhile didn’t it? I don’t know what it was that kept me attached to someone who didn’t know I existed. There was one obstacle I hadn’t added into my plan of completely forgetting him. Every summer the Thomas’ went camping and this year Marina invited me to come along. I was excited but as the days flew by bringing the day I would leave to spend a week on an island with HIM, I felt my stomach become more and more knotted. When the day finally came I was engulfed in self-consciousness and I could barely speak, while all Marina could talk about was her new found friends. I was annoyed; if she liked them so much why the hell was I the one she decided to bring.

I was in awe at what I saw the first day. It was beautiful, something completely different for me. I was finally free from the bubble of a town I lived in, a place where everyone, knew everything, about everybody. The first couple days flew by and sure we flirted but I never expected what would come next.
We’d been left alone in our quiet isolation and I innocently went to change not ready for what I would find outside my tent. I was dying to let him in, longing to let something see my true self; I was desperate to find a way out. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, that I’d never felt so alone and scared. I was letting myself go, I was falling apart in his arms and I couldn’t bear to watch. His hands moved in ways that amazed and petrified me, all at the same time. Quickly covering my body, gliding over my hips, grazing my back in a gentle, yet hungry way. My legs trembled as he fiddled with the belt loops on my shorts, and my breathes came out in shutters and I wondered if he could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Did he notice? Maybe he just didn’t care. I don’t think it was out of fear, because I know I wanted it just as much as he did, but I wanted it for a different reason. Once again I was being used, but I truly felt a connection. I really wanted to believe that this time it was different. His lips were soft and greedy, he held me tighter, kissed me more as though desperate for it. I felt safe, his arms wrapped around me protectively, for the first time in awhile I felt at home. He whispered complements in my ears that sent chills up my spine. I never uttered a sound because I didn’t believe a word he said. He sounded breathless as he spoke, and I wondered to myself, do I really leave him breathless? I think I had my hopes up too high, just begging for someone to shatter them. The sound of a boat echoed in the distance, but he didn’t immediately back away, it was an awkward moment but within seconds he was walking away from me, like so many times before. I was sick of watching him turn his back on me, I just wanted to yank him around and scream the truth in his face. Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Do you ever care at all? He sat down at the table, raised his eyes but didn’t really look at me.
“Cards?” he asked quietly.
I agreed with a simple nod. I could still feel him on my lips, could still hear my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I held my cards, tried to keep my voice from trembling as I spoke, tried to keep my cool. I was trying to keep it together when all I wanted to do was fall apart. I looked for an emotion in his eyes, but saw nothing. It was times like those I wished I could read minds, because I was dying to know what he was thinking.

So I truly hope he’s happy. I’m slowly falling apart and I know he can see it, it’s impossible not to. He left me behind and now I’m choking on his dust, trying to catch my breath. As we left what I thought would be my getaway I thought about how deceiving the whole place looked. How could something so beautiful contain such ugly secrets? That was my final straw, feelings are fragile and he’d completely shattered mine. That experience has completely changed me. I let myself be manipulated over and over again. He destroyed me. But it was entirely my fault.

And now I’m here, and being torn apart by my own deep, dark, secret. Through the remainder of the summer, he was running through my mind and I didn’t think I could handle it for much longer. You can’t hide from your own thoughts. You can turn of the sound; you can’t ignore your conscience. I was relieved because I thought that with him going to a different school I’d finally be able to move on with my life. But as the leaves began to turn, he stomped right back into my life, completely walking all over my progress. So now, as I’m trying to live my life, he’s constantly in the back of my mind, whispering silent memories.
“Please Raelan?”
I can’t forgive, but I can learn to forget. Someday I’ll truly gain back my wasted days; someday I’ll let it all out. Because he needs to know what he’s done to me, and so many other girls. If not, his ball of broken hearts will just keep rolling and I refuse to let that happen. He needs to open his eyes, and I’d love to be the one to show him the damage, because I’m a perfect example.





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ReturnWithHonor said...
Nov. 6, 2009 at 9:20 am
I can relate to this. It is my very first encounter with a boy, almost to a T. The emotion you've put into this tale is overwhelming and powerful; it hurt to read this, but in a very good way. Pen on!
 
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