A Wedding of Disastor

June 30, 2009
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Okay, have you ever wanted something soooo bad that you just HAD TO HAVE IT?! And I’m not even talking about those really cute shoes that are about 5x the price you could afford, you know the ones I’m talking about, ridiculously cute...practically calling your name. You’re friends tell you can’t afford them. Your mother tells you, you can’t afford them….and when it declines, even your credit card tells you, you can’t afford them. But yet, something inside still beats faster every time you see them. Something inside, longs for and urges for those shoes. Something inside knows that it will never feel complete without them.

Yeah see, imagine that urge, that want, that desire and that horrible dilemma only multiplied times a billion. Aghhhh its terrible isn’t it?! Well that’s my current crisis. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything but think about it. Now I’m assuming you’re all probably wondering what “it” really is. Weeeell, it all started a couple of weeks ago. I had just sat down for dinner in a beautiful restaurant with my beautiful boyfriend when all of sudden he pulls out the most beautiful ring. Aiiiiiiiii! It was the most romantic moment of my life! I was so happy. Then it hit me. I was going to be a bride. I had to get to work, so I immediately hit the speed dial on my blackberry and dashed away to the bathroom to book an appointment with my wedding planner. (yes I already had a wedding planner-it was an INCASE OF sort of thing)

At the appointment everything went great, but then my wedding planner said something so fabulous, so absolutely unimaginable that I almost (totally did) shed a tear of joy (numerous in fact). She said that she had found me the most perfect most wondrous wedding dress that was in my size and would look so incredible, so fantastic that she could guarantee I’d end up on the front cover of vogue, plus have a full 10 page photo shoot inside as well. I almost died of excitement.
Immediately we dashed to the dress store to purchase my dress. I was filled with this warm glow of happiness, I felt as though this unbreakable spell of calm and serenity was washing over me with each step I took closer and closer to my dream dress. But then, we walked inside and both my wedding planner and I gasped. THERE WAS A WOMAN buying my dress. (apparently the store didn’t do holds) And what was even worse, was the woman was my boss. Two things ran though my mind at that moment. Firstly who the hell did she think she was getting engaged at the same time as me! And secondly AHHHHHHHHH my dress! But there was nothing I could do, I begged and I pleaded and I threw fat comments all over the place. But she would not give me the dress.
I felt my Vogue dream slipping away from me at every moment. No! this was unfair, unjust. I deserved to be the star, the bride of the year, it was mine…not hers! I feel into despair but over a rescue caramel macchiato (full fat) from the nearest starbucks within running hysterically distance, my planner came up with a plan for me to regain my bride of the year title.

I would have to kill my boss.

I blinked twice at my wedding planner. Trying to determine if she was serious. When I determined that she was I immediately said no, but (now I don’t know if it was my body’s response to the first full sugar full fat macchiato its ever had) but, I started to wonder if it would be possible to do.

Now I know you’re all shocked. You think its just a stupid wedding dress but seriously, think about it…it was my dream. Every since I was a little girl…probably. I donno but VOGUE! It was too good of an opportunity to just give up on. So I told her I’d do it, and then she dropped me home and said that at work the next day I should offer to take my boss out to lunch to celebrate our engagements. Then I would poison her food….somehow.

This all seemed extreme, but I was willing to do it…until I closed my front door and walked into my apartment. I was all alone and I had tons of time to think. And think. And I began to question everything…

Alright so everyone knows killing is wrong, but I mean if I’m gonna do it then the best plan is to just do it quickly. As in tomorrow. Its like a bandaid right? Pull it off quickly and its way way less painful….actually I’m not sure that’s true. Well anyways, I say its better to just get over with right away. But I suppose that if I move to quickly, and don’t think out my plan properly, I could face the risk of getting caught. Being unprepared could entirely screw me over. Whatever so say I do it, and get away with it. Everything will be fine right? I mean I don’t even believe in god, he doesn’t exist….right?....ugh but what if he does, or what if there is some kind of afterlife….is one photoshoot and most perfect wedding worth an eternity in hell? Ughhhh but its soo pretty. Crap and what if I actually get caught, I cannot go to jail because my skin tone, hair colour and overall complexion do NOT work well with the colour orange. Definitely not. Plus I donno what about Karma, like that whole what goes around comes around thing? I never really considered it before but it doesn’t sound like something I’d wanna mess with. And honestly its my Boss we’re talking about. She hired me and gave me my job. She’s the reason I can even somewhat afford my crazy somewhat insane killer wedding planner. It would be pretty gutless to kill someone who I’m supposed to be helping.
And to be entirely honest, I actually really like my boss. She’s actually a really nice person. You know the type; the one who always asks you how your days going? how’s the family? What your plans are for the weekend? If you want a slice of her mom’s famous chocolate cake that she sends weekly? (do not ask me how she fits into the size 4 wedding dress that I had to practically starve myself to even consider the possibly of wearing) And she’s the only person who actually will hold the elevator for you when you’re 25 feet away, instead of quickly pressing the down button and saying, “omg dude I’m sorry I just don’t think I can hold it any longer”. She’s an honest to god saint, and killing her would feel so wrong. Plus everyone who hears would be so upset. She’s definitely the best boss ever and everyone who knows her would be so out to get her murderer. Ugh I don’t know what to do, I know what’s right seems so straightforward but I just can’t bring myself to give up the image of me, a glowing beautiful bride. It’s the only thing dragging me down this path I really don’t wanna take.





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Julia M. said...
Aug. 5, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Okay guys, so just to let you know this story is actually supposed to be my modern day (slightly different..okay more than slightly) version of Macbeth's Solilioquy, Act 1 Scene 7 from Macbeth by William Shakespeare.
 
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