The Art of Idling

June 7, 2009
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Now more than ever, the art of idling has become a desired talent. Idling consists of one being unproductive with their time. The once rare species of idlers has grown to the massive size of a pimple on a pubescent teenager’s forehead. The art of idling isn’t easily achieved I’m afraid; it takes careful precision and complete concentration.

For one to idle productively, he must put all work and important things aside. An empty room is ideal; if in a busy, public area, zoning out is the key. To begin, the prospective idler must clear his mind of all sensible thoughts. Thinking rationally destroys his focus on becoming idle. Once the mind has reached a blank state, the idler must think about how bored he is and how he has nothing to do. Now, this part tends to be tricky because he might begin to think rational thoughts, which could replace these idle thoughts, and that could end idleness when he realizes he’s procrastinating on important tasks. Once this step has been mastered, the idler may move on to step two.

By this time, the idler is probably bored out of his mind. The idler can feel free to shout things like, “Ohhh I’m sooo bored…” or maybe something like, “Uhhh I have nothing to do…”; anything along the lines of that will do. However, if a busybody bystander happens to suggest a solution to the boredom by offering that the idler could do all the work he has piled up, then the idler can either ignore the bystander or hopefully, he’s already mastered the before mentioned ability of zoning out. If it’s the latter, then bravo to the idler to be. In this case, the idler can move on to the next step.

Well, at this time the idler has most probably rid himself completely of the thought of going back to work, so now the idler can proceed to perfecting his idling. The idler now has several options. He can either a) watch junk TV until his eyes burn, b) wallow in his self-pity, c) wander aimlessly around the house or area (trying not to make eye contact with other things he could possibly be doing), d) eat until he gets a stomachache, or e) all of the above. When the idler has finally arrived at letter “e”, he can go on to the final step.

After successfully completing all three crucial steps, the prospective idler can finally graduate to the position of expert idler. When reaching the position of expert idler though, he must deal in a cautious manner. Warning: Idleness can lead to loss of jobs, fun, friends, and most importantly, precious time. While the art of idling is a gift, it cannot be overused, because then it will lose its touch, and cause one to live a lonely, mind-numbingly boring life.





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